-- I'm no expert, but I don't think any funds you choose to give to your adult children will affect alimony or CS in any way. I am pretty sure that child support can be/is supposed to be used to pay rent/mortgage. After all, if she was not caring for the children, she could live in a cheaper place. The larger place is a direct cost of childcare.
-- I hope she does abide by your agreement about dates and the kids as it would be better for them, I'd just be very surprised if she does. And, you are better off not trying to control that. Her R with the kids is really her business once you are D, as are her Rs with OM.
--OK, regarding joint responsibility stuff, two things. First, I strongly recommend eliminating any joint responsibility stuff after D. Divide the debt so that she gets some amount that is hers alone and you get the rest that is yours alone. Don't try to keep paying things off "together" once you are D.
Second, suppose right now that you get 20k/month net in your pocket and W gets 2k/month net in her pocket. That might sound like it would make it reasonable to divide make the debt ratio between you and her 20:2 not only now, but also in the future. However, after D, you will no longer net 20k/month. You will net 20k-CS-alimony, while she will net 2k+CS+alimony. Let's say you pay 5k/month in CS+alimony. That would mean that you would net 15k/month and she would net 7k/month. So, it would seem that the debt ratio after D on that scenario should instead be 15:7, which is alot different than 20:2. Suppose you had $220,000 in debt. On the first scenario, you'd take $200,000 of the debt. On the revised scenario, you'd only take $150,000. (This is all very rough, there are tax implications to consider, and I'm sure a bunch of other factors, but at least you know what I was thinking...)
BTW, have you considered a lump sum offer that could save you money in the long term rather than alimony? She might find a big hunk of change attractive (like equity in the house if there is any plus some big spending money). Just fair warning -- the continued financial link of alimony is a huge soul drain. If you can avoid it, your life will be better. She could of course then remarry sooner without the risk of losing alimony, and then you could play the oh-no-I-would-have-saved-money-paying-alimony game with yourself. But, if you were paying alimony, she'd likely just delay marriage rather than lose it.
"So again, if this goes the "contested", get-the-attorneys-involved route, I stand to do a LOT worse."
Yes, well, this goes back to: as soon as you get a whiff of an agreement that sounds like a good deal for you compared to what could be legally required, snap it up. In my experience, more time will only make you worse off.
By all means, keep being nice, keep being reasonable, keep trying to find something that is workable while still being in your best interest, but stop showing your hand as much as possible. Be vague, friendly, supportive, and interested in her having a decent life, within the context of you have a reasonably decent life as well. You will, of course, have dating expenses and stuff, possibly a new wife, possibly new kids. You need your life as open to new possibilities and she does.
I think permanent alimony usually ends if someone remarries, so, the lump sum might be even more attractive to her because it will free her up to remarry in her eyes, once she "gets on with her life."
If you've only seen one L, you might want to consider at least another couple free consultations. When I got D after a 17 year M, the stakes were smalltime in the big scheme of things. You've got a lot more money, probably more debt, and kids involved. You need to have a very good understanding of what is legally required and what a good deal for you will look like.
I agree, try not to make her balk. Pick your battles, and don't make dating/OM issues one of them. It is not worth it.
I am pretty sure that child support can be/is supposed to be used to pay rent/mortgage. After all, if she was not caring for the children, she could live in a cheaper place. The larger place is a direct cost of childcare.
Sounds reasonable. I will try to get this counted.
Quote:
I hope she does abide by your agreement about dates and the kids as it would be better for them, I'd just be very surprised if she does. And, you are better off not trying to control that. Her R with the kids is really her business once you are D, as are her Rs with OM.
Agreed.
Quote:
OK, regarding joint responsibility stuff, two things. First, I strongly recommend eliminating any joint responsibility stuff after D. Divide the debt so that she gets some amount that is hers alone and you get the rest that is yours alone. Don't try to keep paying things off "together" once you are D.
I've seen this recommended elsewhere, too; AGREED.
Quote:
Second, suppose right now that you get 20k/month net in your pocket and W gets 2k/month net in her pocket. That might sound like it would make it reasonable to divide make the debt ratio between you and her 20:2 not only now, but also in the future. However, after D, you will no longer net 20k/month. You will net 20k-CS-alimony, while she will net 2k+CS+alimony. Let's say you pay 5k/month in CS+alimony. That would mean that you would net 15k/month and she would net 7k/month. So, it would seem that the debt ratio after D on that scenario should instead be 15:7, which is alot different than 20:2. Suppose you had $220,000 in debt. On the first scenario, you'd take $200,000 of the debt. On the revised scenario, you'd only take $150,000. (This is all very rough, there are tax implications to consider, and I'm sure a bunch of other factors, but at least you know what I was thinking...)
Now THAT I can wrap my brain around!!! PERFECT!!! Thanks; I will do NET allocations, not GROSS.
Quote:
BTW, have you considered a lump sum offer that could save you money in the long term rather than alimony? She might find a big hunk of change attractive (like equity in the house if there is any plus some big spending money). Just fair warning -- the continued financial link of alimony is a huge soul drain. If you can avoid it, your life will be better. She could of course then remarry sooner without the risk of losing alimony, and then you could play the oh-no-I-would-have-saved-money-paying-alimony game with yourself. But, if you were paying alimony, she'd likely just delay marriage rather than lose it.
Read about it and thought about it, but I can't. With the housing market the way it is, we'll have to wait just to sell it at any sort of profit at all, and there are no other sizeable lump sums that I could use.
thanks for everything -- this one's gettin' archived,
I know, and I appreciate the sentiment, WP. I just have to make sure I'm not operating from a position of "Well, that BENEFITS HER, so it CAN'T be the right thing to do!"
Instead, I have to continue to operate from my old standby of "What is the RIGHT THING TO DO? What would God Himself have me do, if He were standing right here in front of me?", and to put my kids first, me second and my wife last in this. Otherwise, there might be something that benefits my boys, and is also "the right thing to do," but I stubbornly refuse to do it/agree to it because it somehow benefits my wife.
I will throw in my .02. Get the divided debt in either her name only or your name only before the divorce. That is a big part of why I have had to file bankruptcy. He couldn't qualify to pay those debts that we were jointly responsible for after the divorce, so when he filed, they came looking for me. I was just making it before that happened. The credit card people don't care what a divorce decree says as to who is responsible for the bill. They had the contract with you before the divorce. (I would love to get a lobby going that would change that!)
Harsh but true.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I agree that this is preferable, and it's what I've always seen advocated. But how does one actually go about DOING that? Can you change the name(s) on a credit card account, or do you have to close it?
As to your question about what child support is supposed to cover, there are no set rules. Its intended purpose is to "support the children" so that includes: Housing, electricity, water, food, essential items (school supplies, personal care items,etc...), things that are used in direct relation to the child and their everyday living. It is not intended to support the parents lifestyle, holidays, trips, personal grooming, entertainment.
I've done a little research and it sounds like in the state of FL. that they take your net, her net, how many kids you have and what percentage of the time will the children spend with each parent and that is the formula used.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
