"So again, if this goes the "contested", get-the-attorneys-involved route, I stand to do a LOT worse."
Yes, well, this goes back to: as soon as you get a whiff of an agreement that sounds like a good deal for you compared to what could be legally required, snap it up. In my experience, more time will only make you worse off.
By all means, keep being nice, keep being reasonable, keep trying to find something that is workable while still being in your best interest, but stop showing your hand as much as possible. Be vague, friendly, supportive, and interested in her having a decent life, within the context of you have a reasonably decent life as well. You will, of course, have dating expenses and stuff, possibly a new wife, possibly new kids. You need your life as open to new possibilities and she does.
I think permanent alimony usually ends if someone remarries, so, the lump sum might be even more attractive to her because it will free her up to remarry in her eyes, once she "gets on with her life."
If you've only seen one L, you might want to consider at least another couple free consultations. When I got D after a 17 year M, the stakes were smalltime in the big scheme of things. You've got a lot more money, probably more debt, and kids involved. You need to have a very good understanding of what is legally required and what a good deal for you will look like.
I agree, try not to make her balk. Pick your battles, and don't make dating/OM issues one of them. It is not worth it.
