Letting the shoreline go

[mockers2]

Thank you Lee, Jackie and Kitti ~

Lee~ Those are great suggestions. I think it's key to be able to stop myself before I fall back into our old patterns. It would also be very good if I ever get to the point at which I am able to stop myself from responding with a knee jerk angry response, before thinking. Having a plan is important - this means I need to come up with some specific goals.

Jackie - I have found that one thing that has helped me is to have goals to read. Something tangible and specific that I can look at each day. This helps me see the small positives and stay focused on the small steps I need to take. Having a list of things I'm working on changing in myself also helps me stay focused. Reviewing my goals also makes it easier to bring them to mind in the tough moments. One of the most useful phrases in DR, I think, is the "filter" of "Will this get me closer to or further away from my goal?" Ijust need to get better about consistently using it. (It even helps with the children. )

Think about what you want at this next stage. How are you going to go about getting it?

You are so good at pulling out a concise question to help me get started. Thank you for your clarity.

You are right that my H likes me strong and confident. Now, if I only truly felt that way more often. Making progress, but still a long way to go.

Kewlkitti ~ thank you for stopping by. Hopefully I'll get to read your thread soon.

Update: My H will begin his trip home in about five days. This gives me a little time to get myself up and get some things done around the house. He has been really kind the last several days - calling me just to say goodnight or to tell me something he knew I would think was funny. I have played the messages on the answering machine several times. I can't quite believe it.

Goal brainstorming (Just beginning - not specific - need to get them down while I have them in mind):

For me:
1. Feel more confident
2. Exercise
3. Eat well
4. Get enough sleep
5. Forgive those who have hurt me during this time
6. Continue to pray, pray, pray
7. No snooping
8. No clinging
9. Act as if I am confident in my H's love for me
10. Continue to develop patience with the children
11. Continue to see my H with empathy, to recognize that he has been hurting too
12. Try to live every day in faith and not live in fear
13. Keep track of me - looking back to pre-bomb times, I seem to have lost myself somewhere along the way (Having alone time helps - nurture my interests, see friends, etc.)I have started going to a girls night out- we eat at someone's house - with some friends once a month and am planning to join a book club with some of the same girls. .
14. Learn new skills - photography class, yoga.

House goals - I have a separate list. Continue Flylady program.

R goals:
1. Date night once every two-three weeks
2. We will go to Retrovaille
3. We will pick a new church and go back to mass
4. Balance of individual, couple and family time
5. Continue and strengthen new communication skills (discuss without arguing - key here is for me not to raise my voice or be sarcastic; also includes no interrupting; continue to listen and validate)
6. Trust him
7. Show him that I trust him
8. No R talks initiated by me
9. Speak calmly and softly if/when H initiates R talks
10. Run things through the "filter" before speaking
11. At least 10 deep breaths or put myself in time out before I speak when I feel angry

Rough and off the top of my head. I'll keep working on them and post revisions. Thank you all for your comments, thoughts, support and encouragement. Thinking of you and keepping you and your families in my prayers.