Uh...I don't think my W is NPD. What I do think is W grew up having to look out for No. 1 because no one else did.
Mom and Dad D'd when she was 8 months. Dad never paid much attention to her. Mom married Step Dad when she was 4, but Step Dad made it very clear that W and her older brother were second class citizens when compared to W's half sister and brother.
No real father figure in her life except her Grandfather and Uncle. Uncle is an alcoholic. Nice guy, but going to happy hour is the most important thing in the world to him. Her Grandfather loved her completely, but used to pick on her about her "big ears" etc (and they're not big, but he did harass her about them). And then when Grandpa died, W wasn't allowed to go to the funeral because someone needed to watch the house......
I think she felt (feels) all alone because the one male influence she had in her life left her when she was 16. Not the best time to have something like that happen in your life.
She went to college a couple years later and started bouncing from guy to guy looking for that male attention she so desperately missed out on growing up. And I think OM was just a situation that got out of control because (as she admits to me) OM was safe because he was married and she just didn't realize before it was too late that there are married people in this world that don't respect their own or other people's marriages.
Now she's stuck between what she knows is the right thing to do and an admitted by her, good marriage prior to the A and those feelings she got from the A and her having to take a good hard look at herself to see just why she let it happen.
So what does that leave me?
A W that is on one hand happy with what the A did for her (her selfish side) and unhappy with what she's done (the good side that I know is in her) and she just doesn't know how to get out of it.
Wow, that was a long response to a quick question. So yes, she does have that "it's all about me" syndrome, but I think she comes by it honestly.
And the funny thing is, it's one of the things I do love about her. There's a certain beauty to me in someone that can be selfish to a certain extent. The "I don't need anyone" persona. I find it attractive. But at the same time that prevents us being as close as we could be if she'd just open up to me. And I know that's what was so attractive about OM. He has that same "it's all about me" personality. Must be intoxicating to be involved with someone who doesn't really care about you when you don't really care about yourself.....if that makes any sense.
Ok, pscyho babble over.....
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
The glass.....hmmmm.....Well, from a woman's perspective, that was a "take that" move on her part. YOu didn't call her all weekend, you didn't need her/want her, didn't feel special, put the glass back up...IT makes her feel special. That would be me, but I'm not sure about your wife........
Been a couple of days so I thought I would post an update.
Things have been very good. Since S17 and I got home Sunday afternoon, W has been more engaged and interested in ME than she has been in a year and a half.
Doing thoughtful things, talking to me like she's truly interested in me. And it feels pretty darn good.
Example. W and I are using a tanning salon prior to our trip to Fla in 3.5 weeks. The place we tan is first come, first served, but if one of us shows up and knows the other is on their way, they'll let us sign in for both of us so we're in line. Last night I was about heading out of work and W IM'd me that she'd be at the tanning place a little late because S17 wanted something to eat and she was going to get the food, go home and then to the tanning place. I have to drop my work truck off at home before I can go tan so I told her I'd just pick the food up on my way home and then go tan.
I was on my way to the tanning place and W TM'd me and asked if I wanted her to put my name on the list. Now that might not seem like much, but last week when I offered to do that for her she had replied with a snotty TM "I can take care of it". She then ended up waiting in line for over an hour. So for her to show up there and do something nice for me is a good example of how she's not so wrapped up in herself these last few days.
Another example. We got a new puppy Monday. Monday night the pup was up at 4:30 in the morning. I got up with her, fed her and took her outside. Once that was done it was too late to go back to sleep so I just stayed up. So last night when I got home from a haircut and dinner out by myself, I said to W "man, I'm tired". She said "why don't you go to bed, I'll take care of the puppy and get S17's lunch for school tomorrow taken care of". WTF? Actually cared enough about me being tired?
So of course, the puppy was up at 3 am today. Going to be another tired evening, but it's ok. As engaging as she's been the last few days, I'll take it.
Good call on not mentioning the glass. I'm letting it go for now. If we keep progressing there'll be a time for that, but for now, I'm going to let it slide.
Talk to ya soon.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Hey everyone. Thought I would post an update although there's not much to post.
Weekend was typical. Friday night, W is pretty distant. I had asked her if she wanted to go out and get something to eat and I got the normal response when she's avoiding spending time with me, "I'm not hungry". So of course, as soon as we walked in the door of the house she's going to get something to eat. Really, if she doesn't want to go out, ok, but why not just say so? So I went out without her.
Came home about 3 hours later and really didn't say a whole lot to her. Went to bed and W slept on the couch so the puppy wouldn't cry all night.
Got up Sat morning and relieved W of puppy duties and she went up to bed. She came downstairs about 10 and was a completely different person. We laughed and joked and then worked in the yard for about 5 hours. When we came inside SHE asked me if I wanted to go out for dinner.
So we did. Had a good time. Talked and ate and had a couple drinks. Talked some more. Came home and we were both pretty whipped from the yard work and being in the sun all day so we both fell asleep pretty early.
We did leave the dog in her kennel Sat night and she slept all night, so that was good.
Sunday, more of the same. Talked, had some laughs, went grocery shopping together, made some jokes. Pretty decent day.
Sunday night we watched Desperate Housewives and I know it had to hurt W. There were a whole bunch of comments about committing adultery and accepting responsibilities for your actions and consequences of your actions. The one point where one of the women talks about having an affair with a married man and one of the other ladies rips her pretty good talking about if there are problems in their marriage they should work on them and not cheat, W was sitting there with her head down and it looked like she was doing all she could to not cry.
W was pretty decent this morning. I got up early to take care of the dog and when she came downstairs she was pretty talkative and such for a non-morning person like she is.
That's about it. Nice weekend if you're ok with being platonic friends.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
No, Hope. You are NOT platonic friends! She is with you, she loves you, she is working through things, and what she is going through you don't just do for a "friend".
Gosh, I know how it feels to see those shows now. The guilt and realization is pretty hard to deal with. Does she deserve it, should she play victim and "boo hoo poor me"? No, but getting through infidelity in a marriage is not easy. It is soo worth it, though. Every day my husband stands by me, I love him more and more. I feel closer and closer to him. I ruined our love, and have caused us to step a million steps back, and caused us to have to spend a LOT of time working back toward each other because of the affairs. I think it is worth it. The love has changed most definitely. I ruined the innocence of it, it is no longer unblemished. I ruined it. BUT...I truly believe we are moving toward a love that most people never get to. I already see him so differently, and love him more than I think I ever did before if that is possible.
The intimate part of our relationship is still a work in progress. I love him, I know this. Because of what I did it is going to take some time to work on the intimacy of our relationship, especially since it was an issue previous to the affairs. It is only because I KNOW he will not give up on me that I can move toward him slowly and vice versa. It was a year ago that I felt "disgust" with him being NEAR me! Psychological. The mind. It's an amazing thing.
