Thanks, OT -- that all makes sense, and gives me much to consider. We did agree to no OW/OM around our kids for a period of time (6 months to a year -- yet to be ironed out), so I don't think that will be an issue.
btw, I wrote this to my wife this morning:
Continuing to take S12 to school in the morning would be good -- for both him and me. It's part of his routine, and it will give us more time to spend together. I have no problem making them dinner on the nights you have to work, but once I have my own place I'll most likely just pick them up and take them there and then either bring them back to you or you can pick them up on your way home from work. From what I've started to read and learn about families going thru divorce (and I'm looking forward to learning more from those books), everyone says that it's best -- and least confusing for the kids -- to have some sort of clear separation of residences, and, really -- lives.
It will also be important (and healthy) for you and I, individually, to continue the process of emotionally detaching from each other so that, for instance, it's not painful when the other begins to date.
(Wife), I'm sorry if I come across as "cold" sometimes in this, but what you're hearing in my voice (or reading in my words) is just this "detachment" that we each must go thru. I'm certainly not trying to be a dikk or anything, but the reality is that there's going to be legal, financial and logistical details to be worked thru -- a LOT of them (and some of them will continue for years) -- and, like a surgeon that can't get too emotionally wrapped up in a patient in order to be effective -- speaking only for myself I do find the need to pull away emotionally in order to protect my heart. I hope that makes sense.
I don't know all the financial details yet -- we need to work those out. I know I want to be fair, and WILL be fair. Child support is a given (it's just a formula anyway), so that's not an issue. It will come down to spousal support, and what I am able and willing to give you, and for how long. Unfortunately, until we can sell our house, most if not all of that support will have to come in the form of continuing to pay for the mortgage, utilities, and joint debts and expenses, which all add up to far more than any fair alimony amount. We'll have to separate what is child support (again -- a given), what are your individual expenses to be your responsibility, which are my individual expenses to be MY responsibility, and then what is a fair split of JOINT debts and expenses -- obviously, in fair proportion to our income-earning ability.
To be blunt, I don't think either one of us has even BEGUN to fathom what a change in our lifestyle this will entail, even WITHOUT thousands of dollars in legal fees. It's not just paying a second RENT -- it's all of the expenses that go with that -- utilities, some furniture, etc. And then there are the physical burdens of additional work for each of us, maintaining our place of residence and caring for the boys when they are with us. The simple truth is, that a man and a woman, living together and sharing their income, talents, abilities and efforts, IS the most efficient way to run a life and to provide for children, and without each other as a "helpmate" it will be much, much harder.
The boys will have to step up -- and GROW up -- substantially. We've sheltered them from the amount of work that a 16 year old and a 12 year old ought to be doing, and that's our fault, and we'll need to help them adjust to their new realities. The girls (esp. D20) are going to have to make some financial adjustments, too.
I'm not saying all of this to scare you or be overly dramatic, but I do want to call a spade a spade and be realistic about what lies ahead for both of us. The "clean" way of doing these things, financially, is to either sell the primary residence, liquidating its equity among the two divorcing parties, or else one of us buying the other out and deciding to remain in the home. And then you come up with the child support formula, and figure out a fair amount and period of time for spousal support (alimony), which the primary earner would pay in the form of a monthly check to the one who primarily stayed home. We're obviously not in that situation, and as it stands right now I don't even know how I can afford a second residence and still continue to pay a proportional amount of our joint debts and expenses. Maybe the mediator can give us some ideas here, since he's been thru this hundreds of times with people.
This will not be easy -- on ANY of us -- but I'm confident and hopeful we can get thru it with as much kindness, civility and grace as we can, for the good of the family.
Puppy
I'm almost certain you'll say that that was "too nice," but I really am trying to keep it that way IF I can. If her actions then show that I CAN'T, then I will adjust accordingly, as my first obligation is to my kids and then to myself in this.
