German wife still foggy

[PortlandDad]

Ouch. My W doesn't have the STD problem (that I know of) but her medical condition seems to be deteriorating. She has developed another tumor in her leg a little further up from her first one. The doctor she went to seems to think that they are related, but she wouldn't tell me exactly how he thought that.

She called last night around 1:30AM (ugh) and wanted to lay into me about an e-mail that I sent to her yesterday concerning S17. He wants to fly to Missouri this summer to spend a month with a friend of his from school. I told him that I would provide the airfare as a BD present (his BD is in August), but that he would have to provide for his own expenses, so he has been actively looking for a job. He called W two days ago and she told him that she would give him a 'loan' to cover the expenses.

He stopped actively looking for a job when she did that and when I questioned him about it, he told me what she had done. I was angry that she foiled my efforts to get him into gainful employment so I wrote the W the e-mail and told her that I didn't appreciate being undermined, which precipitated the early morning call.

I'm not much of a conversationalist when I'm half asleep, so I'm pretty sure I came across as pretty gruff. Fortunately she only wanted to talk about the sitch with S17, which was fine with me and thankfully it was a short exchange.

I am feeling more and more detached from her all the time, so aside from the false breakthrough of last week, me and the kids are doing pretty well now. Taking my S13 to play racquetball tonight and I have lots of german homework for my class that is due tomorrow, so I'm definitely staying busy.

[AFWAW]

I'm kind of envious in that you don't have to see your wife from the standpoint of I think it would be easier to detach. I don't know. My wife has something to say about what my daughter did one time after she left and I told her that I was making the decisions regarding my daughter for right now as you don't live here and care for her on a daily basis. I was angry at the time of course and probably not the best thing to say but, she hasn't given any input or feedback regarding decisions I've made since that conversation. Sorry about your false breakthrough. Hope things pick up soon!

[smith18]

Hey PD -

Are you a Trailblazer or a Jazz fan?

[PortlandDad]

Hey KK, when I root for a basketball team at all, I'm still a Jazz fan, but I have been trying to warm up to the TBs

[smith18]

As the kids and I drove into Salt Lake City last summer, I saw that there was a John Stockton Drive, a Karl Malone Drive and a statues of those two outside the Delta Center where the streets intersected. The kids were wondering why I let out a groan.

[PortlandDad]

Hehe, yeah us Utahns are a strange lot and we do seem to hero-worship a bit. Funny that I still identify myself as a Utahn despite living in the NW for going on 3 years now.

Anyway, peanut butter journal time!

The last few days have been pretty low-key around here. I spoke with the W once on Friday morning when she called. She was feeling a little blue and wanted to talk to the kids and to me. I was running late for work, but I did tell her that we were going to have a longer R discussion on Saturday.

In fact, I'm going to call her in a few hours before she goes to bed. Right now, I'm torn as to what should be happening. She has told me on two separate occasions that she is going to come home. The last time was on Wednesday when I asked about how her latest job interview went. She said that she didn't get the job and I asked her why she was even bothering with a job when, if she made good on her promise, she was going to be coming home? She said that she didn't want to come home a failure. ???

So that is what the talk today is supposed to be about. I know it cuts against the principle of no self-initiated R talks, but I told her that I wanted to hear about the specifics of what she is planning to do, like selling her car, closing up her business, ending the lease on her apartment, etc. So far, it has been all words from her about coming home, and "what-ifs".

If I come home, I don't want to live in our house (or Oregon, for that matter).
If I come home, I will need a car.
If I come home, I don't want to be a housewife any more.

I find it odd that she is making demands and putting conditions on her return, but that is the way she is: obstinate and defiant.

She also told me a few weeks ago that she cut up her credit card (one with an APR and fees that were eating her alive). I received her latest statement on Friday: $600 in new spending...

*sigh*

Not my problem, but I am disappointed that she still has not learned to live within her means.

I'm not optimistic about how this talk is going to go... but I'll post later with the post-game analysis.

[PortlandDad]

Well the talk has come and gone. Definitely not what I was expecting and I do mean that in a good way. We started talking about my German class of all the crazy things, then we talked for almost an hour just about the kids.

By the time we got around to talking about the R, she was busy making dinner for herself and was somewhat distracted. I asked her what she wanted to do and whether she was going to come home or not. I probably shouldn't have phrased it that way, but what is just hindsight speaking. She said that she was unsure about what she wants to do. She went into her standard script about not liking the US and never having really connected with the culture. I told her the reason she never connected was because she has been a SAHM since 1995 and hasn't worked or gone to school or done much of anything outside of taking care of the house and kids. She agreed. I told her that when she comes home she is either going to go to school, get a job, or do some volunteer work.

She said that she had called the dealer where she bought her car and that she would be calling again this week to see what options she has for returning or selling her car back, so that is a positive step.

Then she completely surprised me. She said that she has been reading the book I sent her, "The Walk out Woman", and that she had underlined some of the passages in the book and wanted to ask me about them. I surprised me because she is not much of a reader, and wanting to talk to me about a book? Wow, that was a shock! I told her that I didn't actually have a copy of the book and that I had sent it to her on the recommendation of folks on my support group (thanks KK!), but I would get a copy and we could go over the parts that she had questions with together.

The surprises didn't stop there, either. She then told me that she had an appointment with a C next Friday. She apparently wants to talk to someone about whether it was right what she did by walking away and to get some advice about the possibility of coming home? I don't know what direction this C leans: pro or con M, so I am a little concerned atm, but the fact that she is reading the book, has questions about it that she wants to talk to me about, and that she is going to C independently are all positive signs to me. I can't imagine a C that would advise against coming home to her kids, even if she casts me in a very bad light, though.

She said that she would call me back tomorrow and we could talk about the book, so I need to hit the bookstore today.

It's been a good day so far, so I guess I should start preparing for the other shoe to drop tomorrow.

[PortlandDad]

Not a lot to add today, so just journaling:

S17 called the W this morning early. He woke me up at 5am to tell me what they talked about (gee, thanks!) It seems she is busy listing all her household goods that she doesn't want to bring back on e-bay. Tomorrow she is supposed to talk to the dealer where she bought her car to see if she can return it (and how much that will cost), and Friday she has a meeting with her family councilor.

Ordinarily I would say that it is odd that she hasn't told me about any of concrete plans, but this is my W after all and she is quite used to just doing things impulsively and letting me know about it after the fact.

My bundle of dead wood from amazon arrived yesterday and I started in on "No more Mr. Nice Guy." So far, so good.

Kids are doing well. We rescued 3 ferrets (I say rescued though it's more like adopted) and their huge cage from a couple who was moving. Each of the kids has their own that they care for. They are definitely a fun pet if you can deal with the distinctive smell. My W let us have a ferret for about 2 hours a few years ago, so I can just see that there is going to be a showdown about them if/when she comes back.

That's all. I hope everyone is having a good week. Keep fighting the good fight!

[AFWAW]

Sounds like it's moving in the right direction. I'm praying for you. Also, ferrets have a scent sack that can be removed. I don't know how much it is but could be a compromise since I believe you told me before "you were flush with dirty lucre"?

[jaguilar]

PD,

How is it going? I was catching up reading your thread. Seems a bit stop and go, at least your talking. That's good too.

I took my dad to the NBA Finals back in 07, Spurs and Cavs Game 2. It was a blast we had lots of fun. I figured I owed him that much since he would take me to the Spurs games back in the late 70's early 80's. Good times...

GO SPURS GO!