You are right Burt. It is her loss and I am still letting her control me which is what keeps bringing me back down.
I would like some input on one thing. When she left the house to move to her apartment, she took most of her stuff, but there is still quite a bit left here. I really want to go through the house and box up the rest of her things for a couple of reasons. First, it is constant reminders of her to me and it hurts to see her things around. Secondly, she made the decision to move out and get a fresh start to see what she wants. I feel that by me doing this that it wouold show both her and myself that I am taking control of my own life.
I appreciate any feedback. I don't want to act in spite, but I have to keep moving forward the best that I can.
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
IT -- I've been deficient in reading your thread lately. I'm really sorry to hear about your struggles, and I share them with you.
Though I'm "only" a spy, if I "were" an actual doctor (for example, ahem, cough-cough, see my original-now-deleted-so-you-can't-actually-see-it thread) I would point out that Xanax is an anti-anxiety medication (one I'm a big fan of, BTW).
If you're feeling depressed, you need to get an M.D.'s evaluation of that. Depression -- the real deal, of whatever severity -- requires a different Rx regimen, and among other things it takes those meds a while to build up to effectiveness (and please be aware you'll need to wean yourself off them as well). AD meds target one of three specific chemical groups, all of which are different from the group targeted by Xanax.
When I went on Teh Outing with W last week, I ate a Xanax just to take the edge off. That's what they're for -- people who are afraid of flying, for example, but who need to fly. A temporary reprieve from the agitation that comes from anxiety, they target and enhance a chemical group in your brain known as gamma-aminobutyric acid, which impedes the transmission of certain nervous signals across the lobes. They won't "phase" you out -- that's the beauty of them -- unless you have a strong dose or take too many.
On the other hand, you're wasting a perfectly good scrip if you're chewing them before bed. Because they're not sleeping aids, even though some people experience drowsiness with them. For that, if the OTC sleep aids (Tylenol PM, etc.) don't get it for you, take a mild sleeping pill like Ambien (though note that a lot of people, including Smiley's Person, get headaches from Ambien).
Now I'm not pushing pills here, or anything, though doing so wouldn't be inconsistent with my "cover" job.....
I take some pills, so there's no holier than thou. I take a child's dose of stimulant for the Adult ADD, for example, and I'll gnaw on a Xanax from time-to-time.
Having been mis-diagnosed with depression after the war, and having gone through the Anti-Depressant dance, I'm leery -- but if you're really (i.e., clinically) depressed, then there's no reason not to take them (save religious objections, etc.).
But at the end of the day, Pills Don't Teach Skills. So please don't use them as a substitute for doing the work. But don't forego them, either, if they make doing the work feasible for the time being.
But of course, not being a doctor, I probably shouldn't say such things...
Thank you very much for the insight Smiley! The doctor prescribed Lexapro for the depression and anxiety and Ambien for the sleep. I have only used them for a few days, so I need to give the Lexapro some time to build up in my system. The racing thoughts and anxiety attacks have made it extremely difficult to concentrate at work. Although my boss understands my situation and supports me, I was concerned about my performance. I hope that the Lexapro can help. This is the first time in my life that I have ever taken anti-depressants, xanax or sleep aids so I am a little nervous about all of it. I told the doctor I don't want to medicate temporarily only to come back out of the medication to face everything. I want to be able to deal logically with situations.
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
Well, I feel like I made some small steps this morning. I noticed that my account was still getting charged with the wife's auto insurance and gym membership. Although they aren't really high bills, they are her bills and I am trying to stay within a tight budget now that I am carrying the household. I sent her a brief e-mail asking her to transfer those bills to be deducted from her account instead of mine. It was strictly business with no I Love You's. Immediately my phone rang, it was her, so I pressed the end button and went on about my business.
I am heading to the lake today for some R&R and a fishing tournament and will be back on Monday. My plan is for zero contact with the W during this time and focus on me having a good time with friends and family. I am beginning to feel a little resentful with her deliberate actions that seem to be in meanness. I can no longer allow her to control my happiness.
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
Are you sure that you want to box everything up for the reasons you said, or do you want to box everything up so you can give them to her to "show" her?
How about getting everything together in a box and just set it in the garage if it is really bothering you that much.
Are you sure that you want to box everything up for the reasons you said, or do you want to box everything up so you can give them to her to "show" her?
How about getting everything together in a box and just set it in the garage if it is really bothering you that much.
Burt
To be honest, it is a combination. I want to show both her and myself that I am making progress moving on. Also, it just hurts to see her things lying around and in closets and so on. I planned to box her things up and put them in a spare bedroom and not even mention it unless she says she wants to come back over to get things.
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
hello my friend, just be careful on boxing her stuff up, i had the same problem, wife took some stuff but left some behind, she asked for it on a few occasions and i just put it off, eventually i had to sort her belongings out, so i packed away her stuff and took them to her mothers house while she was at work, when she arrived there she told her sister and mother that i probably couldnt wait to get rid of her, and i soon got over her, you see i got the blame for packing up her stuff when it was her that left, how wierd is that? how could i get the blame for that, she turned it around like it was me that threw her out, just be careful buddy, maybe you could ask your wife to collect it, that way you cant be blamed, take care my friend and good luck to you, i was thinking about you today, and i hope you get the luck you deserve
pack the stuff for her and ask her to pick it up, place her things by the door, offer to help put them in her vehicle for her.
- my wife was extremely angry when I originally did this.
At this point I have to believe in our respective situations, that it's all about women testing men, are you going to crumble when she shows anger towards you or are you going to be calm? Act as if you don't care either way, act indifferent.
And after you help put the last few boxes in her car, say bye, look at her in her eyes with an empty expression on your face or even happy and then turn your back & walk away. Remember to tell her to drive safely.
BTW - my wife asked me out for coffee the other evening while her parents were watching the kids.
This is the same lady who has been angry at me forever, thought I was weak, controlling, etc. When in fact I exhibit wussy behaviors that weren't very attractive for the bulk of our relationship. Now I know better, now I do different.
Am I reconciled with my wife? NO
Does she respect me and treat me better than several months ago? YES
To be honest it feels good when that happens, to start re-establish trust & respect.
It's a long ass process, there is nothing that's going to fix this over night.
hello my friend, just be careful on boxing her stuff up, i had the same problem, wife took some stuff but left some behind, she asked for it on a few occasions and i just put it off, eventually i had to sort her belongings out, so i packed away her stuff and took them to her mothers house while she was at work, when she arrived there she told her sister and mother that i probably couldnt wait to get rid of her, and i soon got over her, you see i got the blame for packing up her stuff when it was her that left, how wierd is that? how could i get the blame for that, she turned it around like it was me that threw her out, just be careful buddy, maybe you could ask your wife to collect it, that way you cant be blamed, take care my friend and good luck to you, i was thinking about you today, and i hope you get the luck you deserve
Thank you for sharing your experience beno.
This is the kind of thing that is really confusing right now. I want to save my marriage first and foremost. The harder that I pulled the harder she pushed. I saw that pretty quick.
Now I am struggling with ways to push away and work on myself all while not further damaging the marriage. I know she would turn it around on me if I boxed her things, she has gotten pretty good at turning just about anything around on me that comes to her mind.
My point is that I don't want to be her doormat. I have owned up to my failure in our communication problem. I also realize that I can't change the past, but can only learn from it and move forward. She says that she feels the communcation failed on both sides, but then she only turns around and blames me for everything that she didn't like for 15 yrs and bottled up and didn't say anything at the time. I don't want to be her safehouse that she keeps off to the side forever. If she was putting effort in working on the marriage and our relationship, I wouldn't have such a firm stance. It seems like she is doing the opposite. Every time we talk or meet she pushes further away and then tells me "I still don't know what I want right now." This state of limbo really sux! My perception of her pushing is that she is only trying to make herself want to be away. She doesn't seem to be trying to serious consider making things work.
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
you are establishing push / pull, you're seeing how she uses it, you pull her towards you, she pushes you away.
Now that you know that this dynamic exists in your relationship, use it to your advantage.
Pack her things, call her, ask her to pick them up, since she has moved out, there is no use for her to keep her things at your home. If she asks why you want her stuff gone, ask her if she is storing any of your belongings at her place - obviously you aren't.
Plus with you moving her stuff out, it gives you an opportunity to do some needed cleanup around the house and gives you some ideas with what to do with the extra space in the home: more organizing, painting, moving stuff around, etc. Be vague.
Here's the tough part, assume the mindset that it's over. Yes you just swallowed your tongue when I said that. The sooner you do this, the mindset you will adopt afterwards will be more attractive and she will be more comfortable around you, it will draw her in because you are no longer pulling her in.
Tough idea to put in your head, great idea to put into practice because it works.
