IT -- I've been deficient in reading your thread lately. I'm really sorry to hear about your struggles, and I share them with you.
Though I'm "only" a spy, if I "were" an actual doctor (for example, ahem, cough-cough, see my original-now-deleted-so-you-can't-actually-see-it thread) I would point out that Xanax is an anti-anxiety medication (one I'm a big fan of, BTW).
If you're feeling depressed, you need to get an M.D.'s evaluation of that. Depression -- the real deal, of whatever severity -- requires a different Rx regimen, and among other things it takes those meds a while to build up to effectiveness (and please be aware you'll need to wean yourself off them as well). AD meds target one of three specific chemical groups, all of which are different from the group targeted by Xanax.
When I went on Teh Outing with W last week, I ate a Xanax just to take the edge off. That's what they're for -- people who are afraid of flying, for example, but who need to fly. A temporary reprieve from the agitation that comes from anxiety, they target and enhance a chemical group in your brain known as gamma-aminobutyric acid, which impedes the transmission of certain nervous signals across the lobes. They won't "phase" you out -- that's the beauty of them -- unless you have a strong dose or take too many.
On the other hand, you're wasting a perfectly good scrip if you're chewing them before bed. Because they're not sleeping aids, even though some people experience drowsiness with them. For that, if the OTC sleep aids (Tylenol PM, etc.) don't get it for you, take a mild sleeping pill like Ambien (though note that a lot of people, including Smiley's Person, get headaches from Ambien).
Now I'm not pushing pills here, or anything, though doing so wouldn't be inconsistent with my "cover" job.....
I take some pills, so there's no holier than thou. I take a child's dose of stimulant for the Adult ADD, for example, and I'll gnaw on a Xanax from time-to-time.
Having been mis-diagnosed with depression after the war, and having gone through the Anti-Depressant dance, I'm leery -- but if you're really (i.e., clinically) depressed, then there's no reason not to take them (save religious objections, etc.).
But at the end of the day, Pills Don't Teach Skills. So please don't use them as a substitute for doing the work. But don't forego them, either, if they make doing the work feasible for the time being.
But of course, not being a doctor, I probably shouldn't say such things...
