I read your post just about the minute you posted it, but wanted to really think about what you said before posting to you.
Based upon the fact she took off her rings, wants you to be "ok" with her dating again, and is hiding things, I'd bet money she is with a new OM. I think you know this. You said how she wants to be chased and wooed, and that is what OM will do. She's really addicted. It is a great drug for your self esteem, especially if she is in some sort of MLC. This is why she isn't trying, and if she went to REtrouvaille at the same time she was communicating with another man, then that weekend was worthless. She could have been going to make you feel better about divorcing. Like you said, she wants your "blessing". She knows it is wrong, she knows she hasn't done what she should, and so if she can get you "ok" with it, she can do it. I remember trying to get my H to the place of acceptance, too. It makes us feel less guilty. "It's not just me, we BOTH realize we need to end the marriage. We both just need to cut our losses and try again. It's BOTH of our faults."
I don't know your wife, but if she has NPD or even if she just has the addiction of affairs, she is only thinking about the feelings she gets with another person. Her goal is to get that feeling. She wants it with the least resistance. She knows if she can get you to a place of agreement, then she won't lose as much. And, she has talked herself into believing that she can't possibly love you since she doesn't have these kind of feelings for you like she does with these OM.
Ok, all that being said, you are in a place of surrender. You're tired. You're unhappy. Understandably so. I keep remembering how she said, "How can you let me go if you love me so much?" and how you said, "How can you not have sex with me if you love me?" This is really a summary of what is happening. She needs that chase/wooing/unconditional passion and you need to have that same thing. It's like a standoff. One can't happen without the other. Counseling could still help that. I'm guessing she refused. I remember the OM telling me how if HE was my H he would fight for me until the end. If HE was my husband he would NEVER let something so precious go. These were the things being put into my head during it all. If it weren't for DB that's all I would have been hearing.
YOu deserve more....certainly. You both do. You both deserve to have a happy marriage. You are right that GOd is with you. He always is. Pray, Pup. Pray like you have never prayed before. ((((Puppy))))) I'm always here for you if you want to pick her brain by talking to me.
