Yes PH, I think it was. From the start she has acted like I am here if she doesn't like what she is getting out of the seperation. Examples - "I might miss you and want you back" (pre-sep) to last night "I'm not saying I want to get back together but" and "I have a lot of friends out there, they are nice people, you'll meet them all", " I don't think D should go to Disney this year, we can take her next year", "I think we can be friends and do things as a family".
So yes, I did think the ad was a big deal. Even if not to work on our R but my own self esteem. She has to realize that the fantasy of her doing whatever she wants and still having family holidays will end. She said again last night that she thought we could remain friends but understood if I couldn't. And quite frankly I will not stay buddies with a woman who left me for another man. I told her I would always be friendly. I also told her in a very respectful way that this was her decision and because of it we would end up splitting holidays and might as well come up with a schedule.
I told her that I went trough a very long period where I forgot who I was and had lost my self esteem and confidence. She said she saw the changes and didn't understand why I am finally doing it now. I told her that she was right. Looking back I can now see many times she tried to talk to me and hinted around at problems. However when she took her rings off it had such an impact on me. It wasn't until she took her rings off that I took an honest look at myself and didn't like what I saw. I also said that she had been the most important thing in my life and I know that I had hurt her and carry that around with continously. Then I added "but with my confidence and self esteem returning so does my pride and that I am not going to walk around and talk to her like she is not seeing another man. I have my pride and I am not going to pretend anymore that she didn't leave me because of this man. I am not going to continue to play husband or family to a person that is leaving me because of another man.
Who knows. She has her problems and doesn't accept any responsiblity for anything. I often wonder if I am not better off without her. I told her that there is no way I want us to go back to the way we were the last two years, we would have to go forward. But I am not sure she could do that. I miss her and wish we could be together but she is not worth my self esteem or pride (and I don't mean foolish pride, I mean self importance)
I told her last night after she said she was still very attracted to me physically that I thought she was one of the most beautiful women in my world and was so attracted to her that I struggled to be in the same room as her, however I know that there are other attractive women out there and that I didn't want to be with someone who didn't want to be with me also.
I have no doubt that she left me for this other guy and that they have had an affair, even after last night's conversation. I also know that I would forgive her for that and she would need to forgive me for many things just as painful in her mind. But one feeling I did get after last nights conversation is that this guy is not what she thinks she wants long term. That doesn't mean she wants me and I am sure she feels like she wants to break away and find something better. And is scared that any changes I have made will not last.
But no matter what, even if she were to end up married to some guy making a million dollars and living next door to me I need to get a grip that I am just as important as her and she is losing out on a good thing just as much as I am.
This is a crazy situation and you are right it is driving me crazy. But it is not all her. A lot of it is me not understanding what's going on with me, or maybe after all the stuff I have read - I do understand what's going on with me I just don't understand why I can't control it.
And thank you! You and everyone else have been a godsend to me.
