Letting the shoreline go

[mockers2]

Good morning everyone~

Hope you are all doing well today. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

I'll try to continue my post from yesterday... warning - this is mainly journaling for me and is a little (OK, alot) negative.

Talked to a friend last night about my trip and mentioned the note on H's car I posted about yesterday. (This friend knows the whole story and has been very supportive the entire time.) She said she felt my H could do some things differently. She said there is a way to help someone move in (or whatever) and let them know that he is not available in any way, and there is a way to "help someone" and give them the idea that you may be available. This really sent me into a nose dive. It had occurred to me that maybe my H is keeping his options open so he can leave again if something better comes along. After sleeping on it, I feel a little better, but still not back to where I have been. I don't want to go through life thinking he's with me until he sees something more interesting. It may be nothing. I want to trust my H, but I also don't want to be naive. I don't want to think that my H is interacting with women/girls in such a way that they feel they can approach him with offers for a glass of wine, dinner, or worse. Most of the time, though, I feel like my H is being honest with me, that he loves me and wants to be with me. The last two nights he has called me several times, so I feel like he hasn't taken the girl up on her offer. But this is exactly what I don't want to be thinking about. I don't want to be worried about every pretty young thing that walks by.

My friend also said that she thinks most men (if not all men) enjoy getting attention from women/girls, but it's how you respond and handle the situations that determine what happens or doesn't happen. Any thoughts?

I think alot about my aunt and uncle who have been married for, gosh, almost 40 years, and have made it through breast cancer, job and financial difficulties, etc. They have had their rough patches too, but overall they are solid. And you can see how much my uncle loves my aunt - even though her hair has never grown back very thick, they're heavier than they used to be, they can't do as much physically as they used to, etc. I just want my H to feel like his life is better with me in it, and right now I'm just not sure that he does .

This whole issue is a tough one too b/c it has been a source of tension throughout our R. It has always bothered H that I can't see how much he loves me or why he does. He has always had alot of female friends, but I really believe that this is the first time he has been unfaithful. One of the things I know I need to do is to be more confident in our R and in his love for me, but this is even harder after the A.

A funny thing happened on the trip. We were walking along in a downtown area with lots of shops. A little girl - maybe 13 or 14, with braces and frackles, came up to my H and introduced herself (seemed kind of like a dare - I dare you to go up to that man and say hi, etc.). My H shook her hand, said I'm ______ and this is my wife_____. I was happy that he introduced me as his wife. Pathetic. I feel like Eyeore.


The rest of our trip was great. We saw some really beautiful landscapes, laughed alot, went to a concert, ate some yummy food, hiked and camped. Alot of fun. Almost seemed like when we first met, except now we have the children to talk and laugh about.

After I got home, we had a discussion about finacial decisions and things went really well. We basically were in agreement, but had some differences of opinion on some of the details. He became concerned that we were arguing. I said I felt like we were discussing things and said we would need to discuss things like this often in the future, and that there will be times that we disagree, but that I felt it is important for us to be able to express our feelings/opinions honestly. And that this didn't mean we were arguing. H agreed. There were several moments during this talk when we could have repeated our old pattern, but we didn't, which I saw as a baby step.

While I was visiting H, it occurred to me that I am aware of some of the things that my H was unhappy about in our pre-bomb R, but I'm not exactly clear on what led him to have the A. The issues may be the same, but I'm not sure. H hasn't volunteered this information. I know it's important for me to know this, so do I ask him? The whole idea of saying "Honey, what issues in our M led you to have an A?" makes me want to throw up. Maybe this is one of those things which comes out eventually or that I'll feel more comfortable asking about sometime later.

Sorry for such a long and depressing post. Got to work on that PMA - where did it go?

Hopefully all of you are doing well today. I am so thankful to have this board.

I'll be out of the office for another day or two, but I'll try to catch up with all of you very soon. Even if I'm not posting, I'm thinking of you and praying for you and your families.