Over the Shock - Detaching and GALing 2

[Thinker]

Journaling:

wake in the middle of the night - ruminating and worrying -- not good, so I came here.

Struggling to stop thinking about and "missing" my W. She is right here with me (still in bed, I had to get up) but still so far away.

I need to put the focus back on myself, but continuously return to thoughts and fears. I'm here writing to get those under control.

I am angry at my W. I am angry that she decided our M was not good enough but never said anything. I am angry that she decided to have an A. I am angry that, although she committed to NC, she is still being secretive. I am angry that she shows no serious remorse and that she is still refusing to work on our M.

I am afraid, for now without proof, that the EA is still ongoing or has even progressed. This may well be paranoia - justifiable ongoing mistrust on my part.

I am afraid for my children. I know that I am strong enough to handle whatever happens going forward, but our boys love and need both of us.

I am sad and lonely in this R . Although I see that things here are better than other sitch's on the boards, it still sucks.

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Now that I have gotten that off my chest, a short sitch update:

We're still at my MIL's, helping her out. I have been working remotely, so my work has not been impacted. We are leaving on Thursday.

I took the afternoon off yesterday and we got the whole family out for some exercise - W and I on rollerblades, the boys on scooters. It was cold and windy, but felt good. My W was smiling and had fun. This is the sort of thing I need to focus on - getting us outside and doing fun activities.

I'm going to try to get back to sleep now.