H wants to meet to talk about splitting the finances for the house.
He did the usual thing of not replying when I asked him when? So I went dark as this usually works however it ended up I had to text him today to say that the buyers of our house were getting the survey done on Thursday.
180 number 1 I didn't get annoyed when he told me he had gone to Spain at the weekend with workmates, even though my instinct is to. If we were together in our old r I would never have let him go on that break. I realise now that I was controlling. Since GAL I have really learnt to be my own person and more secure in that. I think now, I wouldn't have a problem with him going. So I made a joke on the text and said it sounded like fun. It was actually good he told me - a very 'friend' thing to do.
180 number 2 Stating that I was just as keen to get things sorted- even though I am totally not!! I am dreading the conversation! I was unable to make the evenings he suggested so he pushed for lunchtimes but again I am busy. So I have stood firm and said that I am keen to get things sorted but that this week was very busy for me and suggested Monday evening. We'll see what he comes back with...
The buyers for the house are really keen to get things moving so I anticipate things will go quickly. So I thought I should start thinking about where I am going to live. I am not really keen to stay round this area as I feel fresh surroundings will be good and I don't know many people round here. Most of my friends are in London so I am going back there I think. I have made an appointment to view a flat tomorrow to get a feel for what I am in for - the estate agent pointed out to me that my expectations are higher as I have owned my own property and for the budget I have I should really lower them.
The weekend was strange; I should have been more prepared and made plans to go away. I had my Mum round which was nice but at the same time tiring. I realised why I had distanced myself a bit as she has such emotional, often irrational reactions to things. I understand, I am her daughter and she can't bear that I have to go through this but at the same time it doesn't help. I had to go through topics like
- How she didn't like my wedding anyway (which I planned and was my perfect day!!) - How angry she was at H's parents - Moved onto my sister and my ex bro-in-law - comparing his misdemeanours with H's.
Ugh, it was exhausting, but I am hoping I managed it well enough that it will be the last time that we have to have a conversation like that. I made it very clear that her way of thinking was not my way of thinking but it was still hard and has shaken memories for me a bit. I am stopping myself going down cheeseless tunnels which talk of the things we talked about tends to send me down. All in all it was quite stressful - I feel better for ranting here a bit. I know she means well, I just hope I have curbed it now.
Still, times are fairly stressful at the moment which is why I think I was ill and still not totally better. So I am going to start a programme of looking after me.
1. Starting to exercise again as I have been lazy recently. 2. Taking vitamin supplements 3. Reassessing the contents of my wardrobe and looking at constructive small things that don't cost too much to make me look fabulous 4. Keep positive and optimistic.
I'm sorry its all going ahead and that H is pushing for talks about finances..you discussed this before and I said, as you are so young, dont have kids and were M only a year (sorry!...) and that his Dad gave him the money, I really feel, morally, you should just let him have back what his Dad gave him (which might mean its not a 50/50 split right?). So if you accepted that, morally, as the fair thing to do, then would there be any need to be so nervous? Or do you really feel that you have the 'right' to his Dads share of the deposit?
As for what you said above, I was a little surprised at that..."I didn't get annoyed when he told me he had gone to Spain at the weekend with workmates, even though my instinct is to."
...but why would you get annoyed? You've been apart since Oct 2007, he has had another gf since then (sorry again!...) and now lives with her.. he's not yours and as Jody said, you can no longer assume any exclusivity of an R with him.. he has someone else in his life right now...or did you mean he went with her?
If not, then you have been talking about DBing and yardsticks comparing frequency of texting to friends in RL.. so.. would you be annoyed at a freind for going away for the weekend?? My ex went skiing with 5 lads last December for a week, I was chuffed as bits for him, as he is depressed. I'm just a bit surprised that after all this time apart and all the soul searching you have done on the M, that your instinct would be to be annoyed? Are you threatened by the thought of him going away for a weekend with friends? (depends if ow went!) and how does that fit in with your strategy for being friends with him right now?
Secondly, you said overpage.. "There wasn't a great deal wrong with our marriage, it was more circumstance, however most of the damage seemed to be done after he left"
but then said above..."If we were together in our old r I would never have let him go on that break. I realise now that I was controlling. Since GAL I have really learnt to be my own person and more secure in that. I think now, I wouldn't have a problem with him going."
..yes its not really acceptable to stifle a partner and NOT let them go away for a couple of days with friends due to your own insecurities.. if you dont let someone be themselves, they are going to perhaps want to break free of that control? You said you had learnt to not be that way now..thats good, as it doesnt make for a healthy R hey, or happy spouse (either way).
I hope you dont think I'm being nit picky here, but sometimes, I feel you sound really ok and going forwards and then you say something that makes me feel a little concerned for you!.. and no, I'm not your mother!! but I hope you take this in the spirit its intended.. as in, food for thought?
As for 180 no 2.. I was thinking about your sitch and it feels like you are still stuck in one of the DBing stages I think, but I'm not sure which..but you havent taken the risk to lay your cards on the table and say, you know what, I love you, I miss you and I am always here if you change your mind.. but I accept you are with gf... or did you do that?? So a 180 could be to actually tell him that you wish things were different? Rather than always be so 'ok' about anything? I'm not saying you should, I just wondered after all this time, whether it would be worth just telling him how you feel?
I hope you manage to sort out a date to meet him and its not too stressful doing so! Al xxx
Julia! I am, just as I was before, blown away by how committed you are to this process. It's weird that I was thinking about the heroics of THAT, just when you started talking about Heroes, the TV show.
BTW, Suresh is my boyfriend, so you guys can have Peter Petrelli.
I don't even see that this is really about him anymore, or your marriage, but you figuring out things with your mom, and you, and XYZ--where you take off from the input of your marriage.
So many people give up on the process partway through and go back to making the same mistakes as before, but you keep peeling away layers.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
...but why would you get annoyed? You've been apart since Oct 2007, he has had another gf since then (sorry again!...) and now lives with her.. he's not yours and as Jody said, you can no longer assume any exclusivity of an R with him.. he has someone else in his life right now...or did you mean he went with her?
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..yes its not really acceptable to stifle a partner and NOT let them go away for a couple of days with friends due to your own insecurities.. if you dont let someone be themselves, they are going to perhaps want to break free of that control? You said you had learnt to not be that way now..thats good, as it doesnt make for a healthy R hey, or happy spouse (either way).
Yep, totally realise that which is why I 180'd. Breaking old habits and all that...
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As for 180 no 2.. I was thinking about your sitch and it feels like you are still stuck in one of the DBing stages I think, but I'm not sure which..but you havent taken the risk to lay your cards on the table and say, you know what, I love you, I miss you and I am always here if you change your mind.. but I accept you are with gf... or did you do that?? So a 180 could be to actually tell him that you wish things were different? Rather than always be so 'ok' about anything? I'm not saying you should, I just wondered after all this time, whether it would be worth just telling him how you feel?
I believe I did last time we met. If I did as you suggest now Ali he would run for the hills. Timing is key here and the time is not now...
So lovely to see you. Yep, I am dedicated to this, you are right I am finding that it is helping in a lot of other aspects of my life, helping me peel back the layers. I really want to see this thing through. I have to go through all this selling of the house anyway so I thought I may as well make the most of the DBing opportunity.
Other than the recent house stress and mother stuff at the weekend, life is really good. Sometimes things come up and throw me but my coping mechanisms are a lot better these days, although H stuff always stirs up emotion as it is still pretty raw... getting better though all the time
In fact, you have made me think here Ali , that before the last few months when things got bad it wasn't much of an issue about me being controlling. In fact if I do any of those magazine tests I am always the 'laid back gf'.
The going away thing came up once and I said no, mainly because we were broke and I hadn't had a holiday for a year and a half so if he was going to go skiing I wanted to have a break too. But when he started pulling away from me was when my need for control came to the forefront. I guess it is a natural reaction to everything seeming so out of control. I hope all this DBing is helping recognise potential contentious points and dealing with them before they become an issue and helping me get back to the person that we were before any of this stuff happened and being a better person. Because when all this stuff happened I really changed and I need to get past that.
I need to let go of those last 2 months as the way our relationship worked as clearly that was when our relationship did not work! If it had been prior to that time and we would have had the money then yes I wouldn't have minded at all.
