Thank you for checking in with me. I'm here and have been thinking of all of you and saying prayers.
I just got back last night from my visit to see H. Things overall went really well. Just a few observations and questions......
We had a really good time. H had planned quite a few nice things to show me and fun things for us to do. We camped some and hiked, which I have really missed, so that was nice. H was very kind and seemed excited to show me around his new discoveries.
I was surprised that I was a little nervous going to see him. Felt like everything needed to be perfect the whole time. Only a few slips: 1. Got a little stressed that he wasn't having a good time, and feeling like I wasn't doing things right. (My response to H saying he was tired one night.) Cried a litle with this, and H said I was "trying too hard," and for me just to relax and enjoy the trip. I guess I was just feeling like this has to be the greatest vacation ever, like I had to be "up" the whole time, etc. Tried not to beat myself up too much for this. I think it's understandable for me to feel a bit nervous since this was our first trip together since all this started. I just can't make it a habit to be nervous around him . 2. Used a sharp tone of voice with H one morning. Afterwards H seemed to withdraw some and seemed angry at me, saying it could have been handled another way. At first this felt like the same old same old, and I almost really blew it by crying, etc. But I explained why I was upset with what he had said, and apologized. H suggested that we apologize and then get on with our day. Then he put his hand on my leg, which is a huge change from the pre-bomb R (when he would have stayed mad at me for hours, if not the whole day. I also have talked to him over and over about him closing up and witholding physical affection when we disagree. So I saw this as a step in the right direction.) 3. I snooped . So much for having this conquered. I went out to the car to get something, and there was a note on H's car from a girl. She was thanking him for helping her move her stuff in to her apt. and she offered for him to come to her apt. for a glass of wine. I said nothing about it to my H, and when he found it, he said it was a thank you from a girl he helped move in. I asked how old she was - young 20's he said. And that was it. The thoughts began to run through - will he have abother A, blah, blah, blah, but I managed to not let them dominate my thougths for too long. This has made me realize that I need to really work on my confidence in our R, and in H's feelings for me. I need to trust him. I also realize that this will continue to happen. Girls will approach him and he will have the opportunity to act on this if he wants to. I have to get better at dealing with this.
Didn't realize how late it was - got to go get the children. I'll try to continue this post tomorrow.
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
I said nothing about it to my H, and when he found it, he said it was a thank you from a girl he helped move in. I asked how old she was - young 20's he said. And that was it. The thoughts began to run through - will he have abother A, blah, blah, blah, but I managed to not let them dominate my thougths for too long. This has made me realize that I need to really work on my confidence in our R, and in H's feelings for me. I need to trust him. I also realize that this will continue to happen. Girls will approach him and he will have the opportunity to act on this if he wants to. I have to get better at dealing with this.
