WAW1

[antlers]

My wife said she has no respect or love for me anymore because of the way I have treated her over the years. She does not know how she put up with me for all these years. She does not want to talk to me unless it is about the children and that is all.

I feel pretty down with this damning verdict and reteric, what do I need to do, and can anyone see any way of reconcilling ever?

Don't believe anything she says right now, especially stuff like this. I have heard a lot of stuff like this. We all have. Our wives are so wrapped up in pain and anger, and they are having to process these TONS of emotions. Have you ever said something that you did not mean, because you were pissed off and/or hurt? I have. Lots of things. Don't believe anything she says right now. I know it hurts bad to hear the stuff coming out of her mouth. Then don't talk to her about anything right now except the kids...and only then if you have to. I know it's hard. Do it.
there's always hope. Many people have reconciled after much worse situations than yours. We've got to work on ourselves first and foremost. We don't have any control over our spouses. Work on ourselves to become better men, fathers, and husbands...regardless. Read, study, learn.

[markhaving probs]

Antlers,

Thank you for the response. She sounded so sure about what she was saying, and with this I validated her as best I could. I will work on me and for the children do the best I can. I guess this is going to be one hell of a long road, but I want to reconcile even though it seems impossible. I just do not know when/if I should assume it is finished and move on, as the longer I try to reconcile and it does not work, the more pain I will experience. I am willing to do what I can to restore our relationship even after our divorce, but it is going to be one big rollercoaster ride, though as has been said, I can always get off if I want to.

She apparantly is off to see a friend tonight, and then asked me what time I would be bringing the children back tomorrow. I feel suspicious as I think she is staying over somewhere and will then return tomorrow before I arrive with the children. My imagination is working overtime again, but I know I must not keep thinking about what she is doing.

[antlers]

The longer I try to reconcile and it does not work, the more pain I will experience.

Then STOP doing it! Stop doing what doesn't work, and start doing what does work. We need to think with our heads instead of our hearts. It goes against how we feel, that's for sure. But we gotta do what works, and stop doing what doesn't work. You've already said yourself that what you're doing is not working!

[markhaving probs]

antlers,

The trouble is I do not know what works as nothing I have tried so far does work. Things keep getting dragged up like the fact I lied to her recently which was regarding telling somebody about our sitch. Every time I think I am making tiny steps I seem to take two back. I need help with what is the best strategy for trying to reconcile now that we are seperated.

[antlers]

antlers,

The trouble is I do not know what works as nothing I have tried so far does work. Things keep getting dragged up like the fact I lied to her recently which was regarding telling somebody about our sitch. Every time I think I am making tiny steps I seem to take two back. I need help with what is the best strategy for trying to reconcile now that we are seperated.

Well, you know what DOESN'T work...so start by stopping that! Stuff is gonna keep coming up too! Man, this could last a long time! It took a long time for it to get to this point...so it's not gonna be fixed anytime soon! The best strategy is to work on yourself first and foremost. Read, study, learn, and become a better man, father, and husband. I know...it's counter-intuitive to what you feel and think. It's necessary though. There are no guarantees, but it's just about the only thing we can do at this point. We don't have any control over anything except ourselves! There is much good information on this board. Use it. That's what I'm trying to do, and you know what? It's helpful.

[markhaving probs]

Thanks Antlers,

I signed the final divorce papers yesterday, so in 6 weeks and 1 day I will receive the decree nisi, and not long after that the decree absolute arrives and that is it. Fifteen years gone in 5 months, it seems so final and I am dreading receiving these documents. I received a text from my wife which I did not get until the evening, she then rang me to make sure the papers were signed and sent so that they reached the courts by Thursday. I

I really wanted to ask again why she is in such a hurry, is there someone waiting, does she just want to start a new life, or both? Well I didn't and tried to stay as pleasant as I could as hard as it was. As has been told to me so many times, concentrate on me and the children, and try to be better, as I know I cannot do or say anything to change her mind. Alot of my friends tell me that I have got to get to terms with the fact it is over, no one has said to me to keep trying to reconcile, I have to move on. Maybe that is the case but I will not/cannot give up even after we divorce as I want to have my wife and family back together. I appreciate this is goint to be one long rollercoaster ride and I can get off at any stage, but that is my problem, when would I know when it is definately over and all I am doing is prolonging the agony?

[innishannon]

Dear markhaving probs,

I have read your postings; i am in such a similar position to you.
My H of 6 yrs and R of 10 walked out on me nearly 3 months ago; and has been living with OW. (development manager of his company).
we are not at divorce stage yet, but he is pushing separation agreement. Like you, my H has accused me of treating him badly for the last 5-6 years, and he says enough is enough; he doesnt want the marriage anymore.
like you, I have tried everything; moved my life around but to no avail; he wants to be with OW. We have a D7.
I want to believe that there is hope, but like you have made mistakes along the way (last night I blew up at him and he stormed out).
Probably like your sitch, he is blank and unemotional. He is switched off and is in another life; I life that he feels is better than the one with me is.
I think that all we can do is move forward and work on ourselves. We can not control our S, they are making decisions for their life. It hurts like hell but we have to detach and let them travel on their journey.
would love to hear more about your sitch.
Hang on in there; I know how much you are hurting. It is very hard. But love never fails; in the end

[markhaving probs]

Hi Innishannon,

I am sorry you are here, but has been said many times and I can confirm this, I have been here since January and without this support I would be in a much worse place than I am now. You will gain lots of good advice from people who have been there and come out the other side. I do advise getting yourself a copy of Divorce Remedy as it has really helped me.

My wife announced I love you, not in love with you anymore a week before Xmas. I was devastated, still am to a degree but I am taking things one day at a time. She did not want counselling, no reconcilliation, became distant, no physical contact, lost weight, bought new clothes etc. She wants out as quickly as possible, and I, like you have made lots of mistakes that has made our relationship worse. It is as though she has turned a switch off and has completely erased me from her life, we are now seperated as off Easter weekend, but the tension that was at home has obviously been lifted since I left and helps my daughter 11 and son 7. I am getting a life (GAL), divorcing remedying (DR'ing) and doing the best I can for my children. I have tried to find out if there is OM or she is involved in an emotional/physical relationship for the past 4 months, but I have not found any proof. I have pretty much stopped this as it is counter-productive and has only driven my wife further away.

I am attempting to lovingly detach from my wife and only consult her over children or finances, going dim I guess rather than dark. I originally thought detaching was to make your WAS come to terms with their decision and maybe realise what they have done, I now realise it more to come to terms with the situation and try to re-build you own life and make it better for your children. I want more than anything to rebuild our relationship, but I do not know the answer as yet, and the longer I hold on the more painful it gets. antlers gave me good advice on this one.

Mark

[JCJ]

Hi Mark

I just wanted to share a post that Phoenixdeux posted a little while ago that I found really inspirational. I keep it and refer to it sometimes as a little pep talk Just something I found useful during difficult times.

In this humble man's opinion, the "Last Resort Technique" can be one of the most misunderstood, most misused, most feared, and most underutilized of all of Michele's tools.

The LRT, as I see it, isn't so much a defined set of actions, patterns, or a "plan". To me, it's more of a lifestyle, an attitude, and a state of mind.

To me, it's the infamous "Dobson letter", the one that is written and re-written at least 10 times, truly taken to heart within yourself, then torn up and never sent. If you have the right state of mind, your partner will KNOW you have set both them, and yourself, free by your words, actions, and attitudes, without ever giving them the letter.

It's when you finally take your life back, knowing that the DB techniques you've been learning and practicing are mostly for YOU and the quality of YOUR life. If you happen to draw your partner back to you, well, that's an added benefit.

It's when you are able to quit "reacting" to everything your partner does, or doesn't say or do. You begin taking the actions required to make your life situations better for YOU.

It's when you can stop letting fear guide your actions, and can open your mind up to a whole new world full of solutions to the situations you face in your daily life.

It's when "going dark" isn't merely done to prove to your partner that their life will SUCK without you, while you're hanging around for them to "wake up", to call or show up to profess their undying love for you. It's when you can use the "dark" times to work on yourself, and take a much needed break from the chaos. When you can re-center yourself UPON yourself, and not them or your relationship with them.

It's when you are no longer willing to put your life on hold while you are "waiting" for your partner to "recover" from their MLC, depression, an on-going affair, their lack of love for you, or whatever. You realize that you are in charge of your own life, that YOU are responsible for YOU, and you don't have to sit around in limbo until THEY change. You totally quite playing the "blame game". It's when you realize that you are not a "victim" to what life deals to you.

It's when the dreaded word "divorce" no longer sends your heart racing and mind reeling. After all, most of us are in a position where our relationships ain't too great right now, or could be a helluva lot better. Wouldn't you really love to "divorce" yourself from THAT relationship, and start a new one with your partner that's even better than what you could ever hope or imagine?

It's when you realize that your partner is a flesh and blood human being, that they have their own faults, doubts, demons, and fears, just the same as you. When you can begin to let go of trying to control the way they think and feel. When you learn to let them "own" their thoughts and feelings without assuming that YOU are responsible for, or have control over, those thoughts and feelings. When you can not necessarily "understand" them, but truly "accept" them.

It's when you can learn to be humble enough to admit that maybe this really ISN'T all about you, and you can stop taking all of your partner's actions and moods personally. When you can let them talk to you, vent their anger, thoughts, and feelings to you, without you feeling that it's all your fault, and that you can "fix" it, and that you can make it all better. Or that they really WANT you to make it all better. Or, that you even have the power to do that.

It's when you stop trying to "push" or "pull" your partner back into the relationship with you, and begin to "draw" them back to you. When you strive to become an irresistible magnet that no person can stop from being attracted to. Someone that makes a positive difference in the lives of everyone they touch. Someone that can make your partner feel that their lives are less joyful, less fulfilling, if they decide to spend it apart from you, to not have you near them. That you are someone that can add meaning to their lives just by knowing you. That can be an example of being the best that you can be.

It seems that thinking about the LRT can bring many negative, doom-ridden, and "final" thoughts to mind. I encourage everyone to "reframe" these thoughts, to put a positive spin on the concept, to see the actual benefits of this tool. (Or, maybe, we should have this "state of mind" FIRST instead of saving it for LAST?!)

I know that there's a lot of times I wish that I would have seen this tool in a more positive light sooner in my journey. As for me, it may be something I want to use as an "On Going Technique" instead of a "Last Resort Technique"!

As I glance at some threads this afternoon, I keep seeing posts that reek of desperation and fear. What are you so afraid of? Getting divorced? Yes, it sucks. Yes, it hurts. But you aren't the one that wants the divorce, so what can you do about it? You can't control it.

Take a moment to count the blessings that you do have and the ones you hope to have in the future. Your life can be good. You CAN be happy. Your world hasn't ended. If you're happy with who you are and what you have to offer someone, whose loss is it if your spouse doesn't want to have a relationship with you?

I see people afraid to do things that feel wrong, like focusing on themselves rather than their spouse. Like setting boundaries or standing up for yourself for fear it will offend their spouse and drive him/her farther away. Things suck right now...it's pretty hard to make it worse. It's okay to take a break from this. It's okay to leave your spouse in the dark for awhile. What are they going to do...tell you that he/she doesn't love you anymore, has an OM/OW, or wants a divorce? Wait, that already happened. Accept that this is the hand you were dealt and do your best to make YOUR life a good one.

[markhaving probs]

J,

What a fantastic post. I cannot thank you enough for sharing that with me, it really has given me a lift. Everything that Phoenixdeux is right and I will have another look at the LRT technique. I'm sure I will refer back to this post when I feel crap, so thank you again.

Best wishes,

Mark