I am currently seeing some positive traction with my WAW. A whole week of positive interactions. Not sure what changed suddenly -- perhaps me in some way, perhaps something with the EA with OM.
Question 1: I am invited to my S's school function. When it comes to posturing, do I attend and then excuse myself a bit early (since I did/do have plans afterward)?
Question 2: My wife has not spoken about any of our issues until this week - been 'numb' and quiet the last 2 months since the bomb. I finally got my first chance to affirm an observation my wife made about her behavior and my behavior leading up to the bomb. Unfortunately, I said something more like "Yeah, I know I was doing X (not talking much)." It was more matter-of-fact, given that "I've been learning, reading and counseling", instead of affirming her observation. Was that a blown opportunity to affirm and be constructive, or is my 'yeah I know' attitude close enough?
In any case, PDT's reminder will be added to my 'when the time comes' notes:
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Be prepared for her to start promising you the moon and the stars. Much of what she says will be lies, or -- at best -- spinning the truth. Remember: only when her ACTIONS aligns with her WORDS -- over time -- will you know she is speaking the truth.
I'm pretty new to this but I think I would have validated what she said the issues were and then if she commented on changes I would have been somewhat vague and just said that you've been working on yourself to be the best person you can be for everyone around you. Not make it about her specifically since that would lead to her thinking the changes were to win her back and not be permanent. She needs to see and know that what you are doing is for you and that it is a permanent thing to make a better you.
I usually am careful about the words I use to show that what I'm doing is for me and about me. This was just the first time she opened up and made any comment about things that 'got us here'.
Sometimes I feel like there are so many things I'm working on or keeping notes for future use that it's hard to keep track of it all. Am I still going towards my goals? Have my goals changed as my perspective changes? Am I effective in my changes/progress, or am I just staying busy and developing an alternate set of lifestyle habits that both do and do not fit with a future R (with W or not)?
Feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment about my 'plan of action'. :-/
Tell me about it. There are days I don't know which way to go with my sitch. Now though I am moving forward. I have reached a place where I have to be true to myself and D3. So I have put the ball in W's court...decision is hers. Meanwhile I will be setting up an appointment with a mediator to start working on the paperwork and figuring out the finances, co-parenting, visitation stuff so if I have to go the route none of us wants to it will be as smooth as possible and I will know everything to expect. It's not what I want but what I need to be true to my feelings. So I can expect more good and bad days as I go through this but ultimately it is what needs to be done and I really hope that the W will really consider what she is doing before things get too far.
I've waffled back and forth on the 'true to myself' route. Sometimes the idea stuck, sometimes it didn't. Eventually, I reached the point of some acceptance, but never 100%.
In an emotional backslide of mine last month, I told WAW that "I" wanted a divorce, not just a separation. That jolted her for a few days ('this is moving too fast for me'), but the draw to OM pulled her back away again. My belief is that my W falls into the "wants the cake and eat it too" category (i.e. cordial with father of her son, plus addiction to OM).
My DB coach told me not to do that again, not to try to accelerate her present state of mind, and not to make any further such mistakes --- working on consistently reducing any/all negative emotions from my side to her - regardless of what comes back at me.
Something changed a week ago that either changed her suddenly to nice, or changed me enough to have a positive impact on her. While we have had a whole week of positive interactions and some laughter, I cannot trust this based on the flip-flopping I've read about on this board. Plus, I have no idea what the status of the OM is -- I'm assuming he's still got her attention.
I'm in the same boat with the W and OM. I flip flopped a couple of months ago with wanting her to break it off and then acting as if it was ok. And my W has definitely been in the cake eating phase. Now she knows though that that phase is coming to an end. I laid it out the other night that I can't be cool with the OM thing. When she dropped the bomb she said it was because she wanted to work on herself to work on her self image, become more responsible, and prove to herself she could do it. I told her Sunday night that I would support her in doing that but not in doing that with OM in the picture. When she asked what I planned to do I told her it was to schedule an appt with a mediator to work out the finances and custody of D3 plus any other obligations to have the paperwork ready in case it came to that. She immediately started waffling about stuff (previously it was HER that wanted to move this along to a mediator) but I didn't budge this time. I had an IC appt. today and as soon as I got out W called and after some idle chit chat asked if I had talked to him about what I had went over with her. I told her yes and that he said he thought it was good for me. We talked about some other stuff and she was truly taken aback by my stand. I do still want my R to work and I do still love my W but I can't sacrifice my well being and my morals and beliefs for it. In our whole relationship I placated her and would never stand up for my wants and needs in fear that she would leave. Typical nice guy stuff. Because of that I think she lost all respect for me and that is a major reason I am in the place I am now. So in essence my stand now is a 180 for me. Albeit a great risk to take with a 180 it is one I have to do for myself and for D3. No matter what I have to show D3 how to stand up for your wants and beliefs and that will be through my actions. Is this a good stand for anyone's elses sitch...probably not but for mine it's what needs to be done and I will at least get my self respect back and hopefully the respect of my W. The good thing too is that since I dropped that on her over the weekend I have felt extreme relief and so much better about myself. My IC said it was self integrity validation and I should feel good about putting my needs and wants out there and for being open and honest with her on it. He said just to be sure that I follow my feelings and I communicate with W in clear and concise ways. The W has some thinking to do now and I believe she will have some stuff to work out with her IC now at the least.
I agree with your IC. Good for you, DC. You can't control HER, but you CAN control what your own boundaries of personal integrity are, and you will feel SO much better in the process.
btw, the next time she asks you "what are you going to do?", know that you don't have to tell her. In fact, DON'T. Just say "Not sure yet... right now, I'm working on me, and it feels kinda good."
I hear you Puppy. I don't feel I need to tell her anymore. I've been pretty clear about what I'm going to do. I told her I was going to schedule time for us to go to the mediator and get everything taken care of. Told her that didn't mean I was going to or not going to file for D right away \, I was going to evaluate how I felt at that time and do what I felt was right for D3 and me. Right now I have no idea what I am going to do at that moment. A lot will depend on where W and I are at at that point in time and how I feel about it. And you are right...it does feel good to work on me and do things based on MY feelings and needs and not hers.
Oh I'm sure. I mean, I wasn't out of the counseling more than 10 minutes before she called today. I think she expected me to back off after the appointment. Oh well...didn't happen. One little exchange was interesting though. I ended up asking her what she wanted and needed. She said she couldn't concentrate on her needs right now...that she needed to make sure the ones she cared about, D3 and I, were happy. I responded with..."you think we're happy with the current situation?" I told her she couldn't control my nor D3's happiness. She could influence it to an extent. That if she wanted to work on our R instead of heading down the fast lane to single life it had the potential to make me happier. I also said that D3, while being a happy child in general and happy when she's around either one of us is happiest when we are together. W had no response for that. At least I think it made her think about what she had said and what reality was. Maybe not but you know, you have to hope that it does sometimes.
