You can only control your actions. Every chance you get, you can continue to remind him that you need action on his part, but he's gonna give that or not...that you can't control. I just really think it will be hard for him to give action if he doesn't get the "feel good" from you. You can be fun and flirty and still have boundaries. You can be fun and flirty and still communicate your expectations. You can be fun and flirty and still make him work.
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
Thanks Amy. You're right, as always. I need to figure out how to communicate my expectations in a nice way, not cold and bitchy.
This is why I really want to go to counseling. I would feel better if I knew we were going to discuss the serious stuff on a regular basis with someone to guide us. That way the rest of the time I could be more comfortable and relaxed without feeling like we're slacking.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Speaking only for myself (remember not all guys come from the same mold) if I am flirting then I am comfortable, if I am not then I am not. It is also a connection with the person I am with.
You are right that he will probably want things to be back to normal but that is a defense against the inconvience, pain and trouble of doing the work. Just wants to wash the bad stuff away ans forget it. I think you can have both if you just keep the pressure off to remember the past but do remind him you guys need better skills so you don't fall apart again.
that's my oppinion, But hey...remember my wife left me
Thanks for a male perspective Kenn. There is a comfort level in the emails that I do enjoy. But keep in mind that I do not know if I want the relationship to continue so I'm not looking that far in the future. I'm not worried about us falling apart again at this point. Right now I wonder if I will ever trust him enough to think about a future. And I wonder if there's any/enough love left to build that future on.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
And I wonder if there's any/enough love left to build that future on.
I would never try to talk you into anything because you are my friend and I don't know enough about this guy. But...
The trust was shattered and will not come back quickly. He hurt you and caused that. It took eight years to build the level of trust you had before he shattered it. It will not come back quickly and will only come back as you build it back like you did over the first 8 years. He needs to know that and understand that. Assuming he is genuine, he most likely wants everything to go back to the way it was because it relieves his quilt and anxiety. He has to recognize and accept the trust will be have to be rebuilt and appreciate that is for you - a gift he should want to give you.
Call me a romantic...the love is still there it is just repressed. You have eight years together. If you allow him to hold you, spend intimate time with you, laugh with him, talk with him about fun things in your lives and talk about your memories (memories you have as a couple). That love will return to normal. Think about all those things and how many you have done over the seperation - none? That is why you worry about the love not being there. You guys were not together for 8 years because you didn't love.
