Letting the shoreline go

[mockers2]

Good morning everyone ~

Hope you are all doing well today.

H got in last night. We picked him up at the airport. We had made signs the night before, and when we saw him we held them up. The children were precious - holding the signs up in their chubby little hands, while trying to spot him running towards us. It was really sweet. H appreciated it very much.

Things were going well, and then I saw that H wasn't wearing his ring. I managed to hold it together, but immediately awful thoughts started running through my mind - being a single mom, that maybe he was seeing OP again (if she is who I think she is, she is working in the same state about 5 hrs. away from H), how could he do this to me, etc. As it turns out, H cut it very close in getting on the plane yesterday morning (I knew this as he had called me that morning). When he got to the airport, he left all his bags in the car and ran into the airport. He told me on the way home after we picked him up that he had left his ring in his bag. He had taken it off at work because he was working with some dangerous substances. I felt better hearing this. I didn't ask him about it - he brought it up on his own.

I wanted to post this for a couple of reasons. First, I was surprised at my ability to keep calm and not show him I was affected. This DBing does come more naturally with practice. I also was surprised that although I had negative thoughts beginning to go around in my mind, I also considered the possibility that there was an explanation for it that didn't involve him leaving me. The other thing that surprised me was that I also had thoughts of I don't deserve to be treated this way; If he isn't going to treat me with respect, maybe we shouldn't be together; I am valuable and loveable, and don't want to be treated this way. I'm not saying that I don't want us to reconcile, I do so much. It is one of the things I pray for every day. This feeling was just new and surprising and made me feel maybe I am feeling a little better about myself. Maybe.

I also had some thoughts about the idea of being there for better or for worse. This is something I've held on to during this time. It's hard to put into words what I'm feeling, but I'll try. One thing I'm hoping for is for my H to love me more unconditionally. I am not saying that I want to just let everything go and not try to improve in all areas. I know now more that ever that a M takes real work, effort and concentration. I guess I just feel that as long as I am vigilant about our R, and truly am trying consistently, that he should stick around. I'm going to age as the years go by. My activity level will, at some point begin to decrease (hopefully not any time soon - I'm looking way into the future here ). We will both at some point have some health problems. And I want him to stay with me anyway. There will always be someone who is thinner, more athletic, younger, whatever, but I want him to choose me. I guess I feel that I'm here for him through whatever comes up (within reason - if the A ever happened again, I'm not sure I'd stay, but who knows. I don't want to be in a R with this pattern continuing.)- when he loses his hair, when he's not so fit, if he were to become ill, etc. I guess I'd just like to feel that he feels the same way.

Thank you all for your posts. They help me keep my head down and keep working with patience.

Optimist - The anger is a real issue. I can totally relate to the pot of boiling water analogy. That is perfect. I feel this is so crucial to deal with, as it can color everything. I can feel myself wanting to really let someone have it if they are rude, etc. This is getting better now, but I definitely need an outlet because it will eat me alive if I let it. It steals the joy away so easily. It also comes out inappropriately, which is so hurtful.

There seems to be alot written about anger and forgiveness being closely tied together. This seems to be true in my sitch. Another area I really need to work on.

I have heard the same of Retrovaille. That it isn't a cure, but gives you good tools to work with. I am praying H will agree to go at some point. Seeing each other in a new light would seem to be very helpful. I am glad it helped you and your H. I look forward to getting to know you better.


Jackie - Thanks as always for your post. I hope you are OK today. The sarcasm is truly tough to let go. It is ingrained in my sense of humor (my whole family is like this - ouch). I don't think it is bad in every situation, but in trying to rebuild a R, and especially in disagreements, it is so destructive. I guess we'll need to find a balance here too.

Tae bo sounds great. I'll have to try and check out a tape. If I'm able to have some time to myself at some point, maybe doing tae bo and something like yoga to cultivate some peace would be a good combination. I wish we lived closer to each other - we could go together. I had planned to do some tapes after getting the kids to sleep, but I tend to fall asleep with our oldest, and get just the minimum done after that. I'll keep trying though.

There are retrovaille classes very frequently. It would be great if our H's would agree to go. One thought on this - maybe give your H some time to think about the reading material you've given him. I think it's good he's reading it, but I'd let it be his timing at this point. Let him bring it up, etc. You are doing a great job through this tough time. I am praying for you and your family.

Lumpy - Thanks! I am looking forward to catching up with you. Hope you are doing well.


Shay - Thank you for stopping by. I want to catch up on your thread. Hopefully you are well. I don't feel grounded - it's good to hear that I may sound that way at times. Acting as if !

Thank you all again for posting. It means more than you could know.