I thought it might be helpful for me to post my wife's e-mail to me, in which she describes her (warped) vision of how this is going to be. It's the typical wayward script of "normalization" and everything's going to be OK:
But first, my letter to her:
(Mrs. Puppy),
Thanks for coming outside last nite and talking with me. It wasn't exactly the lighthearted banter-over-a-glass-of-wine that I was looking for, but it's probably good we did it. You've done a good job expressing your needs and desires to me, and I do hear you (even when I don't agree).
I wanted to summarize my position, thoughts and feelings at this point, now that I've had a chance to collect them, as I've probably been somewhat less-than-coherent the past two days as I've been pretty upset.
As much as it saddens me and disappoints me, I do think we need to do SOMETHING here, and I will not contest you if you want a divorce, so long as it involves some sort of "50/50" custody of the boys (with your home being their primary residence). I also think it would be best for them to remain in that house as long as we own it, to ease their transition to this new life and to keep things as familiar as possible.
I also am no longer opposed to the separation that you've suggested so many times before, if you feel that might further ease the transition. However, I still believe strongly in the original three conditions that I expressed earlier:
1. We tell the boys honestly what's going on -- they deserve to be talked to.
2. You and I agree to a fairly detailed financial arrangement, so that it's clear what's expected of each other.
3. We continue to honor our marriage vows as long as we're still married, and don't date other people until we're divorced.
, and i understand that you don't feel you can agree to #3, and to be honest, based on what I'm seeing and hearing, I don't see either one of us wavering on that one, so it would appear we're at some sort of impasse. I just don't think it's right for people to go on dates while they're still married, and I'm concerned about how it would affect me and the boys if that were to happen. People talk; I learned that the hard way the last time. How would (S16) feel if one of his friends at school says that he heard his parents talking, and they saw your mom with another guy having a cup of coffee at Starbucks last week? Or if someone says to (S12), "My dad says your mom has a boyfriend; is that true??" Kids can be cruel (and so can adults for that matter), and I want to protect the boys from them as much as we possibly can.
I am in no particular hurry here to date, but if you feel you cannot wait, than we should probably go the D route and not the S route. If we file it in XXXXX County, and it's uncontested, it should only take a month or two; surely we can keep our vows that long?
I feel like (and this is just how I'm feeling) what you are asking for is not so much a divorce (you've said this isn't even necessarily what you want), or even a separation in the normal sense of the word (two married people physically separating, and deciding to live on their own without each other's emotional and physical support and the inevitable financial sacrifices that come with trying to maintain two homes), so much as it feels like you're wanting my permission, or blessing, for you to DATE -- some sort of "open marriage" -- while we figure out our best path. As you know, I cannot live with that. That may not be what you're intending to convey, but that's just how it's coming across to me.
At the end of the day, (wife), you're an adult and I can't control you or your decisions, and I may not even be able to influence them with my own concerns, now that we've made what would appear to be a mutual decision to end our marriage. So you certainly don't need my "blessing" ANYWAY -- you're an adult and you certainly have your own free will. But I would hope you would agree that after all we've been thru, an extra 60 days to handle this the most appropriate way would be in EVERYBODY'S best interest.
Again, thank you for being honest with me -- hopefully you appreciate me being the same.
Puppy
Her response:
Puppy,
Well, I'm glad we had some uninterrupted time to talk even though it was'nt the lighthearted conversation you wanted. It is difficult to talk in front of the boys so I guess it was a good opportunity.
I feel you might be misinterpreting me when I said that I couldn't live with #3. What I meant by that is not so much the "dating" part, but the need to get on with my life. I hear the clock ticking and I just feel that if we decide to separate with the sole purpose of eventually divorcing then I don't really understand why the dating part would bother you. I understand that if things got back to the boys that it could be very hurtful. For that reason I had said that there would be things that shouldn't be done in front of them. But I guess it doesn't matter anyway since we will obviously never agree on that one.
I will agree to the 50/50 for the boys with them living with me as their primary residence. I agree that they should remain in the house that they currently call home. As I said before we BOTH bring to them different things, and it is very important that we get to bring this to them on an equal basis.
As much as I felt that the separation would be better at first, I feel a little differently now that I've had time to think about it. No matter which way we go, we will still be living apart and the boys are still going to have to try to adjust to that. I think the MORE important thing is that we continue to be on the same page as far as their care and emotional health goes. By that I mean, that we need to both physically and emotionally be there for them a lot in the beginning. I would like to propose that for the first 6 months to a year, we try to keep a lot of things the same for them. Maybe you could continue to take (S12) to school even on days you don't have him. This might help to keep a certain consistency for him. And it would allow him to see you on those days when he might not. Being that I have to work nights, on days when they are with me, if you could come and have dinner with them I think that would help to keep a sense of normalcy and supervision. We have always worked as a team and we need to continue to do that. We would need to talk about holidays and vacations. I know we can come to an agreement on what is best for them. I would also like to propose that maybe after the first year, that in order to be able to see both of them, we split like they will spend half the day with you and half with me, this way they won't have a full holiday without the other parent. We could even spend them together for a time that works for us.
We do need to talk to them. But I want for us to first talk about how we are goi ng to approach this. Should we have all 4 there at the same time? Should we meet with (MC) before we talk to them? No matter what, we need to make them feel that we are NOT deserting them. That we are still a family, just one that doesn't live all together anymore,.
