Hi Al, lil sis, Rtl, mish, michelle, (((EVERYONE))),
Well, I have a full and willing heart and it is such a waste the life I am living (not all of it, the romantic part).
I am not in a good mood or a "strong" one but it's hard to feel down when the sun is shinning and I know in my heart that I am loved. H maybe too small, too late, too good, too bad, too whatever he likes but I KNOW I will not be in this sick situation for long. So, that is a reason to feel good about.
You know, we, all of us, can only "fight", wait for as long as it feels right, as long as the promise hidden is strong enough to keep us going. If we go on, beyond that point, then..., we are sick. Life is short. Who can guarantee to us we are doing the right thing for the right person?
I am listening to music I like and I can almost leave my veranda door open, it's still cool in the evening but the dark is not "hostile" anymore, it's like the evenings I played hide and seek until 1:00 in the morning with the other kids around my home... I dont know, I am kind of sad and mellow (sp?) and accepting the situation, my feelings, what is happening...
And Al, no, he didnt call, I called after taking my D to the dentist, an appointment I am not sure he remembered even. She will have to wear a mask and braces for a few years to make sure she will not have problems in the future. And I was sad about it and upset about my beautiful little princess and called him and he said "he has been busy today". So, I told him the news and went on worrying by myself, feeling abandoned once again over a little thing, wondering if he would even care if I told him I am still fighting my feelings for someone else who gave me generously all the love of the world in weeks, love and caring he had deprived me from, for years... And yes, limerance and excitement, and "freshness" and dreams, and all the things that I know can die pretty fast sure played a role but, my heart is still full because of those weeks, months and I find myself "secretly" retreating to those moments to find the strength to keep going now. Ironic I know. And a bit "weird". Hey..., what can I say? I am being honest.
So, I am fighting the good fight, honoring my choices of years ago, based on the fact that H is a big part of my life and always will be, trying to safeguard my babies' peace and happiness but feeling so discouraged by the way things are going...
No Al, he never mentioned my emails, nor the pie. I did sent him another one answering to his question "what do you want" telling him I want to be loved and cared for and cherished and treated like a woman that is "soft" and tender and sensual and feminine and can love and be loved. I am not resuming the role of the superwoman I had, because I am not. It doesnt make me happy...
Funny how life plays these games on us. A year ago, I would have been happy with what I have now. And that would have been soooo sad. I am grateful. And very very lucky. K
