If you are really going to get D, it is not going to be pretty and nice. Get a L, learn what counts as good deal for you, and as soon as you see a good deal, snap it up. W is not going to get more giving or more reasonable as time goes on. On the contrary, the more things sink in for her, the worse the settlement deal for you. Even if you use a mediator, you should still have an L supporting you on the side. No need to tell W about your consultation. And resist the urge to show your hand at all.
Getting a D is a business matter. It is not about proving you are a good guy that she shouldn't want to D. It is not about punishing W. It is not about finally winning some emotional game. It is a business matter. Coddling your W and caretaking is inappropriate. You need to disentangle your lives. Trying to provide mutual support to each other through the process is simply not healthy. Stop trying to tell W how much to work or where to work or home much money to make. Not your business. All that is relevant to the D is a number that equals her earning power, reasonably construed.
Someone will have to move, the sooner, the better. I sincerely doubt you have the legal power to force W to move. However, if you can convince her to move, that would be great, especially if she moves into less plush conditions. Being able to demonstrate that she can live in far less plush conditions might work in your favor at D-time. Again, consult with your L. If she won't move, perhaps you should consider moving, for you probably will have to do so in any case. Given you can't maintain the house and another residence, the house will probably have to go. If you do move, move into something that you could stand to live in long-term.
I'm very sorry it's come to this, choc. I don't know what more you could have done.....
Dude .... if it's mutual (and it is, because "I want a separation and to be able to do whatever I please but still have you support me and provide childcare at night" is not an option in a sane universe) .... why in the name of all that is holy would YOU even CONSIDER moving in with HER parents???????
Because she takes 1 out of the 2 of them to school, picks them both UP from school, does all their laundry, makes 1/2 their meals, and is more involved in their day-to-day logistics than I am. I work 40-50 hours per week and she works 10-15 (altho that's going to need to change some).
When she was hooking up in darkened parking lots with her boyfriend two summers ago, I filed for full custody, because I didn't think that was any environment in which to raise two boys. But there's been no repeat infidelity, and there never was any BEFORE that, so I really don't have any issue with her parenting other than she doesn't make them do enough around there to help her.
I didn't type all this out, but the arrangement is going to be slightly different than that. We're talking about me still taking S12 to school in the morning, and then on the nights when my wife works (about 3 nites per week), I would come over to the house and have dinner with the boys, and probably help S12 with his homework.
Trust me, I get the whole "Why should I be the one to move out??" thing, but unless it's an ongoing affair or it's one spouse wanting to end the marriage and the other doesn't, why SHOULD she be the one to move out?
I retained a lawyer two years ago when I filed, and have him at the ready if needed. If things get contentious, I will retain him, but I don't think it will come to that. I understand the concept of "imputed income," and I intend to let my wife know that that (the amount of money that she could reasonably make, considering her skill level and available jobs in our area) will be the basis of any computations.
I agree; this is a business negotiation, and she WILL get less reasonable as time goes on.
I'm not gonna say "sorry." One of the things I've learned on my journey is not to apologize for something I didn't do!! But, I will say, "I feel ya!" And, I hate that it's come to this point for any of us.
I was evaluating my life the other night, and I realized how much more comfortable I feel at home these days. So, I hope that you can figure out living arrangements that give you that same sense of peace.
I can assure you that there are women out there who are looking for just the set of qualities that I can tell from your posts that you possess. You certainly deserve to one day find that happiness for yourself.
I think I'm a little too far north of you to make the commute reasonable, but, keep in mind that I do have a spare room and I'm not hard of hearing!
I'll be praying for you and your family during this period of transitition. God has great things in store for you.
Love to you! Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
Trust me, I get the whole "Why should I be the one to move out??" thing, but unless it's an ongoing affair or it's one spouse wanting to end the marriage and the other doesn't, why SHOULD she be the one to move out?
Puppy
In this case, because the alternate lodging is HER parents. If that is the only option, financially .... it really should be her. IMHO, but of course YMMV.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Trust me, I get the whole "Why should I be the one to move out??" thing, but unless it's an ongoing affair or it's one spouse wanting to end the marriage and the other doesn't, why SHOULD she be the one to move out?
Puppy
In this case, because the alternate lodging is HER parents. If that is the only option, financially .... it really should be her. IMHO, but of course YMMV.
We've talked about possibly taking turns, alternately with her parents, while the other one of us is living in our house with our boys. At least until the real estate market turns around and we can sell it.
Of course, when she finds out I'm living with her parents, and wondering what the H I'm talking to them about, she'll probably go nuts and offer to move in with them herself, LOL.
Don't even think about living with your in-laws. Really, really, really, really, really bad idea. If YOU want to get on with YOUR life, don't tie it to HER family. And make no mistakes, they will be HER family. Really, really, really bad idea.
And, playing house with the kids while she is at work is also a bad idea. You have your space. You see your kids in your space. She has her space. She sees her kids in her space.
You may not see it, but you are still in fairytale land yourself about D and life after D. The goal here is to separate financially and emotionally as cleanly and COMPLETELY as possible.
Of course, if you still want your life to be about your XW two or three years from now, and have your energy sucked out of you and morale beaten down on a weekly basis, then entangle your life with her parents and plan to share space in which she conducts her personal life.
Puppy, sorry that your situation has come to this BUT no one has tried harder than you. You are one of the most sane people that post here and very well respected. My prayers go out to you.
In reading your post, I want to offer my $.02.
I agree with your assessment of your wife having some type of personality disorder. To go through all of this and knowing the problems and still she is cold...there are issues that you cannot solve and she does not want to solve.
First, I think you wife in in an A. Locked cellphone? If not a physical then an emotional. She would not lock a phone to talk to attorneys. Something stinks in China as they say. Can you get access to her phone so you can go online and register it to track the phone calls? Then you will know for sure.
Detachment - living in the same house - can't and won't happen no matter how much you try. Your wife is like my H..no concept of any financial stuff and now living out of the house he is getting a taste of the real world bills because I was the one that handled all the financial stuff. It is called a reality check.
I know you want to make it easier for the boys BUT again I think it will be much more stressful for both of you to live separately under one roof. They see and hear and it will have a negative impact on them in the long run.
Also after being 20 years in a sex starved marriage, you will just continue to be sex-starved for another 20 years trying to make that arrangement work.
If a divorce is what you really want you will need to put on your thinking hat and figure out a way to separate your lives so YOU can have a life. It might mean Mrs. Puppy getting a full time job which is a reality. You are still trying to spare her the realities of the real world. Your boys are not so young that they need someone home 24/7 but I know how busy it gets driving them to all the activities but with a schedule you can make it work.
Think about this --you are doing all of the giving; possibly you moving out instead of her; her working 10 hours you working 40/50; and the list go on.
As I said just my .02. You are in my prayers.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
