Letting the shoreline go

[mockers2]

Thank you LL, Jackie and Dotto. It means alot to hear from you. I hope each of you and everyone here on the bb is doing well today.

Jackie - I think you're right to stay here in this forum. Just hang in and see what happens. From what I've read piecing is tough and full of rough patches.

When I called my H to tell him about the letter, he said something like well, there's the other house. We could just move there. So I guess technically he said it, but it was the obvious solution. Even if he isn't ready for us to be living together I don't think he'd say, so we'll have to find another house, etc.

Update: It turns out the whole eviction letter was a mistake. It was sent in error, so we will be able to renew if we want to. Kind of embarrassing, although I did what I had to do to try and get things done. My H couldn't believe I had gotten in touch with so many people to help in such a short time.

So, now we are trying to decide whether to renew or not. H suggested we think about this over the next few days, go over to the other house for me to look at it , and then decide. We'll see. It will be interesting to see what he does with the other house when he comes home if we renew our current lease. I will be alright if he doesn't come home right away as this is what I had been expecting, but it would be great if he would come home and we could really use the $. I certainly don't want H to feel forced into living with us.


Goals (not very well organized):

1. Stay positive and upbeat. Act like his girlfriend (flirt, plan surprises, etc.). I will have to find a balance between the girlfriend role and the wife (with $ and discipline issues to discuss.)
2. Continue acting as if I am confident in our R and in H's love for me. (As I continue to act as if and we work to rebuild trust, I hope to really feel this more and more.) ****
3. Discuss issues calmly w/o showing anger.
****
4. Continue to let H lead this process. Initiate no R talks. No pressure for H to move home, go back to church, etc.
5. Listen, validate, and no interrupting.
6. No snooping (think I've mastered this - haven't done this at all in probably 9 months - even when H gave me more info on OP)
7. Find a release for the tremendous amount of anger I have. This is crucial. It is affecting everything - even my relationship with the children. This is breaking my heart. I also realize that if I don't get this out, it will come out, maybe directed at H, which would be bad.
8. No audible self-criticism. (This is the baby step, which I'm doing well on.) The next step will be to decrease the negative messages I send myself.
9. No sarcasm - good grief it is hard to cut this out
10. Be supportive of his time alone. ****
11. Get into shape (maybe I can combine this with #7 and really see some results )
12. create and maintain a balance between my independence and my closeness with H (I was very independent when H and I met - even refused to date him initially because I didn't want a boyfriend at the time. Where has that girl gone?)
13. Take care of myself ****
14. Take care of the children ****
15. Maintain my newly developed and still shaky confidence as a mother.
16. Stay close to God.
17. walk more and more in faith and less and less in fear. (I don't want to pass on fearfulness to our children.)
18. Pray, pray, pray every day.
19. Try not to beat myself up for not being stronger than I have through all this. Try not to dwell on my faults, but to take steps to correct things a little step at a time.
20. Make progress in the house. Maintain some sense of order.

Goals for us as a couple:
1. Go back to church as a family. (H questioning his beliefs at time of the bomb 1/03. We have not discussed this since probably 2/03. We have left our parrish - I can't manage the children on my own during mass, H stopped going b/c of questioning his beliefs, and one of the clergy there was less than supportive of our marriage when H went to talk to him. This is the source of alot of my anger.)
2. go to Retrovaille
3. date night - at least every two weeks. Every week when $ allows.

Solutions journal/What has worked: items marked by **** are things I have done which have helped based on my own observations and on what H has told me. These are also some of H's criticisms of our pre-bomb R.

Blessings:
1. Closer to God.
2. More confident with the children.
3. Less fearful. I have always feared being left - childhood issues/long story. Now that it has happened, and I'm still standing (only b/c God has held me up every step of the way), the idea is not quite so terrifying, although this is clearly still an issue.

Not very specific in all cases and not broken into baby steps, but all I have time for today. Any opinions are welcome.