What should IMHO Bbj do, is be on her own, detach completely, do anything that has to be done that separates her life from Dans' instead of avoiding it out of fear, take care of herself and her kids and let him watch her and "desire her" as he would a new woman.
You try to convince him to change his mind by "creating" memories and do things together as a family. I believe that fills his "tank" as a father and does nothing in relation to you. IMHO, Dan needs to see a strong, confident, unpredictable, sexy woman that will knock his socks off. No whinning, no teary eyes, no insecurities, no clinginess, no self pity, no worries...
Be smiling, fun, sexy. Use your female weapons. Let him look. Just look. Make him want you. He loves you as a person, as the mother of his kids, he needs to see you again as a woman. And you need to shake things up a bit by changing your "dance". What are you waiting for? If you continue like this for much longer, the next girl Dan finds attractive could become trouble because she would be new and exciting and you would be his "family" that he spends Sundays with... You are separated you know.
K,
OK, I get it...(picture me pouting and letting go of my security blanket here)
Believe it or not, I can DO fun, upbeat, sexy. That is who I am, at the heart of me. The me that I was in college and my early years of marriage, before H's affairs and the birth of our kids.I am bubbly and outgoing by nature. I can do that part.
And I can stop having R talks. It is very very very difficult for me, but I can do it. I know why I need to do it, why it is important.
Where I have concerns is in the area of boundaries. For example, we are off of the calendar/visit schedules again b/c of Dan's work and travel. We stopped doing them while he was gone to Canada and haven't started back up. Tonight, he said he would meet us at karate. Then what? I think you are right, K, he gets his fill of daddy time and then goes off to do what he wants. He will probably come to karate, maybe get something to eat, then head back to work, or to the cows, etc. I cannot make him stick to a visitation schedule if he won't. I told him I have night class Wednesday and I am working a track meet Thursday night, he said he will take the kids. But we have no consistent routine there. Does it matter?
And re. D2s third birthday party. We are planning to do one for my family, one for his. I always go to stuff for his family b/c I love my SILs and my nieces. However, H does not go to things for my family anymore. He came to Christmas b/c we were living together then. But since then, he doesn't. He didn't go to MY niece's birthday party (my sis' daughter), he didn't go to my family's Easter celebration over the weekend. So it would be a 180 for me to not go to the birthday party for my D at his family's house. Not sure what to do there.
Anyway, I need to do some serious 180s and change things up. We are locked in the dance where we get along great, talk to each other more, text/call for random reasons, then.....nothing. I press for something more, he won't give it, then we gradually start talking more, spending time together, and we do the dance again. I don't want to do the dance anymore. But I don't want to file for a D, either.
Hi sis, I know where you are. You are better than having nothing and soooo far away from having what you need and want. At the same time, you are scared any kind of "radical" 180s could mean you lose even the little you get, which you need to hold on to emotionally, or even risk the possibility of the kids getting upset. And believe me, I am not talking from a very different position here.
I wouldnt go to his sister's house. I would be extra friendly to his family on the phone, call or something, but I would NOT use a silly excuse, just say the truth "I love you guys but things are a bit weird, I am sure you understand" and NOT go back on your word. Dont let anyone convince you to go. IMPORTANT : you do that NOT looking hurt or upset or sad or trying to make him feel guilty, show him what his choices are causing etc etc (you know the drill).
Set up the calendar, put your dates of appointments up and next time he comes, let him fill the rest.
Get some new clothes (with his card preferably), change your perfume, and FIND yourself. The Bbj that was confident and innocent and felt "safe" before things took a toll on you. Find your humor, your mojo, yourself. Be the way you want to be. Do in your house what YOU want to do. Forget him and what he likes or dislikes. Dont be hostile or mean. You have kids, you love him, your goal is to get him back the way he should be back. So, again IMO, you can always have dinner one night together, but when he says I will meet you at the karate, say fine, I need to go to get my hair done, so you stay with the kids and when he joins you, no matter how sweet he treats you, you leave, kiss him on the cheek and WALK OUT all bubbly and cheerful!! Make him wonder...
I will think some more. But again, that's only me and my Greek logic... love K
