If you are really going to get D, it is not going to be pretty and nice. Get a L, learn what counts as good deal for you, and as soon as you see a good deal, snap it up. W is not going to get more giving or more reasonable as time goes on. On the contrary, the more things sink in for her, the worse the settlement deal for you. Even if you use a mediator, you should still have an L supporting you on the side. No need to tell W about your consultation. And resist the urge to show your hand at all.
Getting a D is a business matter. It is not about proving you are a good guy that she shouldn't want to D. It is not about punishing W. It is not about finally winning some emotional game. It is a business matter. Coddling your W and caretaking is inappropriate. You need to disentangle your lives. Trying to provide mutual support to each other through the process is simply not healthy. Stop trying to tell W how much to work or where to work or home much money to make. Not your business. All that is relevant to the D is a number that equals her earning power, reasonably construed.
Someone will have to move, the sooner, the better. I sincerely doubt you have the legal power to force W to move. However, if you can convince her to move, that would be great, especially if she moves into less plush conditions. Being able to demonstrate that she can live in far less plush conditions might work in your favor at D-time. Again, consult with your L. If she won't move, perhaps you should consider moving, for you probably will have to do so in any case. Given you can't maintain the house and another residence, the house will probably have to go. If you do move, move into something that you could stand to live in long-term.
