Slowly but surely - detach and 180

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I am really trying to have compassion for her and remember that she was really hurting and is still hurting that is why she is so angry and cold so often.

Or, she's just being a controlling b&%ch.

Sorry, EG, but she makes me angry, the way she treats you. I have a real hard time seeing her as "hurting." Sounds like YOU handled your weekend VERY well tho!

Puppy

[hopefulinEG]

Goals for this week
- Do my own thing at home.
- Don't react to what W says or does.
- Avoid negative thoughts about W. Remember what she went through and what end goal is.
- Don't obsess about what W is doing or not doing or has done with OW. In long run it doesn't matter. I want to work through this and reconcile either way.
- Don't call or txt during the day
- Find ways to show appreciation or small acts of kindness.

[hopefulinEG]

W is in a good mood today. She did laundry, cleaned the kitchen and did dishes. Then she sat on the couch in the living room to read her book, while I was working at the kitchen table (in the same room). In the past she would have read in her room not in the living room.

It was a little encouraging.

Also she told me there is talk at school that she will date first but I will get in a serious relationship and get married again first. I said that won't be for a long time that I want to get in any new relationship. I said I agreed that she was less likely to get in a serious relationship. She said "Look how well I've done with casual relationships in the past". (she has been with 2 people in the last 25 years). I said well what do you call OW and she said "A mistake", very emphatically. It was an immediate response, without thinking about it at all. So that is also encouraging. Although they are still BFF's maybe she isn't so infatuated anymore.

-Catherine

[hopefulinEG]

Well the last week has been horrible. I have been horrible and W has been horrible.

We went to counceling on Thursday and it went all wrong too. But the thing I got out of it is that DBing is not going to work on W. She is suspicious of my every action and believes it is all to win her back. She is pushed more and more away every day living with me. More and more resolved. I am also having absolutely no luck detaching after learning of the PA. I think about her almost every waking hour. I take everything she does personally and have not been able to let go. I am constantly making things worse by being angry or pissy or sad or something.

So I re-read the LRT and I have decide that it is infact the only hope. I have to totally seperate from her and not do anymore damage. We talked yesterday and I told her she needs to move out. That she was right that I had been keeping up hope and that I had been trying to win her back and that her being there day in and day out was keeping me from being able to heal and move on.

We worked out the details and she will be moving out over the next couple weeks. I think it is really the best thing. I am such an emotional person and maybe it is a total wimpy copout but I don't think I am really capable of detaching and being cool and calm with her there, the way you have to be to successfully DB. If there is any hope it will be going Dark and letting her process on her own. Right now while there are good interactions the bad ones undo any progress and I think I am worse off now than I was 3 months ago.

I have to figure out how to go dark with kids and a lot of back and forth but I will figure that out. I think with limited contact I can really detach and make our interactions pleasant.

I also need to do this for the kids. We just can't keep having fights in front of them. Even if this isn't the best thing for saving my marriage it is the best thing for my kids.

-Catherine

[hopefulinEG]

We went to see a councelor this morning together. This is our second one with this councelor and I like her much better. She seems way more solution oriented. She is looking at what we are doing now and how to change that. She is also helping us understand why we are doing this. We have talked a lot about W feeling controlled and manipulated and how we can change that. I feel like it is a lot of talk about me but it is the issues that W has that we talk about. Next week I want to make sure we talk about W not me. Let her talk. The C asks me a lot of questions in response to what W says and I end up talking. I need to turn that around a bit.

The moving plans are progressing. We have gotten along fine since our big blowup sunday. We have stayed away from each other though, except for the counceling today. I think this will be somewhat of a relief having her out of the house. For months I have always felt relieved when she wasn't home so this will be good for my mental health. I have to take the dealing with the kids alone stuff just one day at a time and not get to overwhelmed about it.

So overall feeling good today.

[hopefulinEG]

So W moved her bedroom furniture and clothes out last night. So she is official not living here although she still has some stuff to move next Sunday. She has slept at her new place all week though and just came back to shower and see the kids and pack. I am both happy and very sad about it. I am happy that the tension is gone and I already feel like I am able to not think about her for longer periods of time and when I do it is less painful and I am getting better at think stopping. The flip side is that I am very sad. I did a lot of crying on and off Saturday when no one was home. I let myself cry it all out for a couple hours while doing housework. It feels so real and final now. Moving back in the house will be much harder than moving back into the bedroom.

I have told her that I want to minimize our contact. We were originally going to see each other 2 times a day practically every day. We worked it out so both of those times we swing it so we don't see each other. She got a little mad when I said I didn't want to see her. I told her I am sorry if that sounds rude but it is what I need to move on with my life and she said she understood why.

The kids have had a hard time the last 2 nights with her not there at bedtime. I told her about it and she got really mad both times. She basically made it sound like I was exaggerating and they are fine and I should be telling her about it. She also said we talked too much on the phone yesterday and I was the one that said I didn't want to see her. She called me twice and I called her after the kids went to bed to talk logistics and tell her about the kid's reaction. I was telling her so she could also reassure them so they got it from both side. I get the sense she thinks I am telling her to make her feel guilty and maybe projecting her guilt. My friend reminded me that she might doubt her decision and needs to get angry at me to reaffirm to herself that it was right. I need to remember that and stay cool and not give her any reason to think it was a good decision.

We did get along all week before she moved out including the day she moved (she came over for Easter morning). Then suddenly the first day of being gone she is so mean and angry.

She was also mad because the girls wanted to go to my mom's in the afternoon instead of spending it with her. Sounds like she's mad that they don't miss her "enough" and also mad that they did miss her and maybe she feels guilty about that.

This is what I wanted so I could detach but now I hate the thought of not seeing her all week. I have never gone that long without seeing her since we got together 13 years ago. I keep telling myself that this is the right thing to stay strong and go by the book regardless of how hard it is.

[hopefulinEG]

I am also really trying to work on forgiving myself. I have managed to stop myself from thinking about her and the OW (mostly) but now I think about all the chances I had and how I screwed it all up. Not even looking at all the things I did to make her feel unappreciated and unloved, In retrospect I see that right there at the end she was really starting to turn around. I wanted it faster and pushed to much and she ran the other way. Then in my hurt, I got angry and said a lot of hurtful things that made it so much worse. I was so self destructive. I so often go over these scenes in my head and wish I could do it over. I don't even know if she can ever forgive me. I am pretty sure that if I hadn't said those horrible things when I was angry she would have come around eventually but I made it so there is very little chance.

Thinking about this makes my incredibly sad and also makes my feel like my sitch is hopeless.

How do you forgive yourself? How do you stop thinking about all the things that could have been different? Should have been different.

-Catherine

[hopefulinEG]

So yesterday was hard. I cried a few times. I know that this is a flare up because of her moving out but when I am in it, it's so hard. I did keep myself from calling or txting her at all. She txt me once to ask a question about car maintenance and I responded with a 1 word answer. No other contact. But that one little txt made me feel so much better. Not detachment for sure. .

She had the kids last night and stopped by this morning to get D6 homework they left at home. I thought she would just send them in but she actually came in for about 10 minutes. She had D8 call to say they were stopping by and I was hoping she wouldn't come in because I thought not seeing her would be better to help detach but when after she left I was in a better mood.

We coordinated some kids stuff and she talked for at least 5 minutes about how busy her day is going to be and all the stuff she is going to be doing. After she left I realized I should have acted more happy and carefree so I will work on that next time. Got to put up a good front. =) It should be easier to act "as if" since it will be much less frequent.

I went on Meetup.com yesterday and signed up for a number of groups I liked. Sushi and game night etc. There aren't any meetings I can make in the next few weeks because of my weird work schedule but looks like some next month. Really need to work on GAL. I am also trying to find a bar or someplace that has linedancing lessons that I can go to. I'm not ready to have to dance with someone else so linedancing would be more comfortable.

[hopefulinEG]

Last night I got my head straight about all this. I realized that I am thinking about the past and the future to much and not about today. I need to remember that I can only change what I am doing and do what I can today and let the future be the future. I also need to stop crying about what has happened and how much it hurts. I can't change that either. I have had a fatalistic attitude for the last week or longer even. Wishing it could work out but not really believing it could. I went back and read some of the LRT from DR and also saw this quote in my co-workers cube.

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude to me is more important than facts.... We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10 percent what happens to me and 90 percent how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes."

I copied it and put copies of it everywhere. In my cube, in my car, in the bathroom, in the kitchen. I need to remember that if I don't have a good attitude and work the step to DR I will guarantee failure instead of having a chance (even if it is a small one).

I hope this PMA lasts. =)

[davidswife]

Yep,

My dad always says: "Life is 10% what you make it, and 90% how you take it";)