Sorry to hear this Pup, but I understand completely.
I know you've thought a ton about your sitch, but have you ever thought that to an "it's all about me" person, the reason they have trouble relating to a generally good, thoughtful, giving person is that they can never have empathy for that person and that's what makes an A so intoxicating to them? That there's another person EXACTLY like them?
And I agree with everyone else. In house separation wouldn't work for me and I suspect you either.
Take care.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
So sorry to hear this news. I have the same feelings as when I read what you wrote back in December. We were all so hopeful for you in the intervening time and it's difficult when you just can't fix it. But, know this, you have the respect of many, many, many people who post to these boards and there will be someone out there who will value your traits and meet your emotional needs. You are a wise, compassionate and kind man. You have done everything you possibly could for the sake of your family, your marriage and for you. Despite my occasional antipathy for the species, my IC pointed out to me once that there will be a "right side and a wrong side of history". Once this has played itself out completely, and not that it's a matter of oneupsmanship with your wife, you will have your children's everlasting respect. While I hope your wife can address her issues at some point, if she cannot, she risks losing even more than your love, and that is her relationship with her own children. For you that will remain intact...
Best to you,
Alex
P.S. I'm wrestling with this same in-house issue, so I know how gutwrenching it is...
Last edited by AlexEN; 04/14/0906:31 PM.
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
Sorry to hear that PDT! You have helped so many on here, and I will certainly come by here to help you this time!
You told me once that you were a skeptical guy, well, your gut instict might be right on again this time in your own sitch. I can fully understand why you don't want to live in your W's "dreamworld" anymore!
I'm very sorry to hear the news. From what I can tell, you did everything possible to save your marriage. You can hold your head up high infront of all who know you. You are a very giving person here on these boards, so I can only imagine how much more you gave to your wife. Unfortunately, you can't make her give back. I wish there was some magical way of doing that, but there isn't. I believe that God will carry you through this. Remember, "Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted." (Matt. 5:4)
I think she ought to go and stay with mom and dad for awhile. Who else could really support her and understand her? It was actually a great bonding experience between my mother and I when I was separated and staying with her. She had fun with it actually, like an extended slumber party. Of course she also had her own pain and fears about my possible divorce, what the kids were going through, etc...so it actually helped us both emotionally for me to stay with her.
DQ
She would NEVER do this. Her parents would drive her NUTS with "why couldn't you work things out with Puppy?" wails and general gnashing of teeth and rending of garments. Her parents' marriage is part of the problem here: I love them to death, but they have a horrible marriage. My MIL berates my FIL constantly, and he just puts up with it, and they are not affectionate AT ALL with each other. To them (like many of their generation), marriage is to be gotten on with, not lived to the fullest.
So what if it drives her crazy and isn't ideal for her. Sorry... but - prepare for the worst. IMHO from the general reading I've done on your threads, I think the "amicable" divorce odds for you are maybe 50/50. Please don't comprimise your life in some sort of fantasy idea that she will appreciate it and recipricate. It is unlikely she will. Don't move - make her move. That way she gets the freedom to come and go out and you are able to stay in your house and provide stability for the kids.
Forget # 3 - this is now a divorce. Neither of you answer to each other or owe the other explanations. # 3 is an agreement for parent and kid - not divorcing husband and wife.
I agree with JMO. She should move. Why are you sparing her the heartache of living with her parents? This is not your problem, and you are again allowing her to take, take, take and not have to give anything. As for #3, I really, really, understand why you would want this, but in light of everything it doesn't make much sense. I think it does for you, and it's how I would behave, but it doesn't make sense for her and it's not how she is going to behave. I feel really bad for her. She's giving up on a someone who seems to love her tremendously and she will one day find herself alone and regretting all of this stupidity. She will regret this. Not that this is what it's all about, but take some comfort in that.
Like I said on your other thread, clearly, you are not DONE.
Either physically separate (even if this means creating an apartment with a hot plate and microwave in the basement with a new lock on the door) and get on with it. Treat the D as a business matter and stay out of your STBX's private life. Or try something different. For instance, you might try taking the focus off of her past A and current dating plans.
