Thank you for jumping in here rob. I absolutely 110% agree with your reasoning. That is what has been frustrating through all of this. She has many of these ideas about things where you shouldn't have to come out and state directly what the problem is. I don't understand this logic, just seems like a way for her to justify not having to communicate.
I am a little nervous because she just called and asked if we could meet at a little restaurant at 7:30 tonight, just to hang out. I certainly don't want to bring up the relationship talk, but I would like to be with her for little moments like this. I plan to be strong and comfortable for the visit, I just have to do some mental work between now and then.
The Dr. appointment yeserday seemed to go well yesterday. I explained my side of the situation to the dr. and we are trying some things to help with the wandering mind and anxiety. Before leaving, the dr. told me that I really need to try and find a way to get my wife in for help. She feels that my wife is suffering from underlying depression. She feels that the unhappiness is in her life, although she is blaming it on the marriage. I told her that there is no way in hell that I could tell my W that, she would rip my head off. She understood and suggested that I use one of her friends or mother. Not sure if I should let this one be or pursue it.
Well couple things:
- did you just jump at the idea that she offered to go out. I mean it's good that she asks you, I like that, let her continue doing that, it isn't a bad thing. - when she asks if you want to go out and say she asked you last weekend if you were free on thursday, tell her that you like the idea but you would check to see if you were free that night because you might have something scheduled with some friends. Don't reveal all details just be a bit mysterious and that you will get back to her so that if you can't make it, she can at least make other plans. This shows that you're not needy, it shows you're not insecure, that you're not grovelling for every chance to be with her - this will throw her thought process for a loop. - also ask her to come up with a few different ideas on where to go for dinner and you'll come up with a few of your own. The idea is this, you want to make this fun and try some place new, you also don't want to say stuff like, whatever you like, it doesn't matter where we go... remember, IT DOES MATTER - stop all relationship talk, when you go out for coffee, out to eat at a restaurant, act as if you're friends, don't go for the hug & kiss unless she offers it, be totally fine enjoying each other's time
I think people who are so hard up to get their spouse back and focus on relationship CPR and dramatic repair of whatever is broken forget that when they first start seeing their spouse before they got married, etc. They went out because it was nice to see them, they had fun together, you never talked about the relationship, you just talked about stuff, had fun, were funny (which is so important, if you haven't been a comedian lately, time to brush up on the skill). You have to show you are a fun guy, and that you are a fun time which means no pressure, no talks of relationships, counselling and past relationship problems. Put all of that crap on a shelf and stop talking about it. If she brings up issues that she wants to talk about: validate her, listen, don't offer solutions. Don't let her beat you up, remember be a man, stand up for yourself, set rules & boundaries, show that you respect yourself and don't get angry, always remain calm & poised: grace under pressure. Be the strong wall, if she takes punches at it and tries to knock you down, show her that you can stand strong. If she gets crabby & bitchy, just tell her that you want to keep things friendly & enjoy the time together but if she can't do that, maybe you guys can meet up another time when she feels like being nicer. Never reward her bratty behavior with your attention and let her know that.
