PDT - Your extreme efforts to DB and affair-bust are going to serve you well during this transition, because you have become a bigger, better person in the process. And now you will put all those new skills to work on yourself as you move through this thing...
I would recommend however that you don't do an in-house separation.
Your W will likely be running out at all hours, on the phone at all hours, and you will be (no matter how you try) driven crazy by it. You both need space right now, her so she can run off and do her thing whatever that is....and you so that you can begin to heal and begin removing yourself from that awful place of fear and paranoia. You can remove yourself from that place if SHE is still in your space with you.
I don't know your sitch but you did say you can't afford two households. I get that, but even if one of you has to go to stay with a friend for a while or with a relative, that is going to be better than an in-house separation. IMO, the only time an in-house separation is warrented is when the kids are very little and really need both parents, and are too young to catch subtle things like "mom texting to someone all the time".
Staying with a friend or relative may be like a last resort for some, but there really will be some peace you can gain from that arrangement that you can't get from an in-house deal.
Puppy, you're a warrior in this world for all of us, and I hope that everyone physically close to you will help you and be your warrior now. Its gonna be a long road ahead....but now at least there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Puppy I'm really glad to see you started this thread. I was hoping you would b/c you've helped so many here, it's nice to have a chance to help you or at least try!
I'm sorry and I'm not. I still consider you 100% successful DB story. You single-handledly saved a marriage that maybe didn't deserve to be. I understand 100% about the hug. I think I could forgive my H his A, but when he refused to hug me before my brother's brain surgery, I don't think I could get over that. You do deserve someone loving and caring!!!
My only concern is if your W is having an affair, and it sounds like you think she might be? I don't think living in the same house is a good idea. Having gone through that, I wouldn't recommend that to anyone esp. if you aren't trying to DB anymore. (((((pup))))))) Karen
Thanks for that; yeah, I kinda figured that's what you meant. It's a great post, and it helped me a lot.
I assume that since I'm not really "DBing" anymore, and since there's no wayward behavior other than a suddenly-locked cellphone (which could just as easily be her talking legal strategy or "God, I just need to GET ON WITH MY LIFE!" with a female friend as it could be anything else), that it would be okay for me to be the one to move out? I really would like the boys to have as much day-to-day stability as possible.
My only option right now is HER PARENTS' house, which is going to be uncomfortable at best, and NUTS at worse. I love 'em to death, but just think of George Costanza's parents on "Seinfeld," and throw in a good dose of Ray Romano's parents on "Everybody Loves Raymond," and then throw a hearing problem on top of the whole thing.
Puppy, I dont think your condition #3 is realistic. You may want to wait for yourself, however, there is no way to dictate that to your STBXW. And because of that, I agree with DQ and Karen that living together in separation is going to be difficult for you. Just look at the hell that FaithIsBelieving is going through.
So if you are going to get separate places to live eventually, the first thing to get down on paper is a parenting plan. Dont let the parenting plan get confused with division of assets and any support. Get it done first as the kids come first.
I know from all the great advice you have given here that there is good awaiting you in the future. You do deserve to be in a loving relationship where both partners work together to keep the love alive.
Karen/all -- I should probably clarify. I too don't think the same-house separation is a good idea, since she's made it clear she can't live with Boundary #3 (she's since backed off of that somewhat, probably realizing how she was looking [IMAGE is everything to a narcissist], and said "it's not DATING so much as it is I just need to move on with my life . . ." yadda yadda yadda. Yeah, right).
In fact, I came to this realization:
She would never characterize it this way, but it's become apparent to me that she doesn't really want a divorce (she's said so, and shown as much), or even a "separation" in the normal sense of the word (her having to fend for herself, logistically and emotionally, on a day-to-day basis).
No, what she seems to really want is my permission for her to have another AFFAIR, or some sort of "open marriage."
In her dreamworld, she would love for:
- me to continue to support her financially;
- me to have my own place (not here), BUT, me to come over here in the evenings and cook dinner for the boys and clean up, and help S12 with his homework, then get the hell out and go back to my own place so she can have her "space";
- her to not have to work full-time, or even take on any more hours (says it's "impossible");
- her to be free (and have my blessing) to "begin the rest of her life" by dating other men.
It's great work, if you can get it. :o)
Mind you, most of the above she obviously never SAID it that way, but now that I'm sober (the wine was flowing pretty good the other nite as we were talking, and I just let her go), it's crystal-clear to me.
She apparently has become friends with a girl at the gym. (???) She's very recently separated, and (wait for it ....) she cheated on her husband (but OF COURSE "that's not the cause of their marriage coming apart" -- typical infidelity SCRIPT). She was supposedly going out for drinks with this girl last Friday or Saturday night, but her plans kept changing and instead she just said she "met her shopping" Saturday afternoon (altho she was dressed up pretty nice when she went out -- new outfit, and smelling nice). and I smell a rat. Her appointment book is written as such that it looks like the entry originally said "Drinks w/ Lxxxx & ????" and then the world "girls" was written underneath the "????"
She's CLEARLY hiding the cellphone from me, altho she could just as easily not want me to see legal, financial or just general D-talk with her girlfriend on there. Still, my instincts are usually pretty good, and I smell the very early stages of a new EA with OM2 here.
I think my laying out the "no dating" boundary screwed up The Princess's plans.
Thanks, Kerry, and I agree. Our parenting plan is already about 90% done, and everyone's astonished at how respectful and amicable everything is so far.
Of course, we haven't talked about the finances yet.
Why can't Mrs. Puppy go to her parents house instead of Mr. Puppy? When I got separated, we were in the same postion, to where the only available free bed was at my mother's house. My ex-h *could* have been the one to go and stay there, but it seemed silly and rediculous for HIM to stay with MY mother. So it was me who moved out.
After all the dust settled and the D was over, I got the house back. So don't assume that she will have an upper hand in getting the house if you are the one to move out.
I think she ought to go and stay with mom and dad for awhile. Who else could really support her and understand her? It was actually a great bonding experience between my mother and I when I was separated and staying with her. She had fun with it actually, like an extended slumber party. Of course she also had her own pain and fears about my possible divorce, what the kids were going through, etc...so it actually helped us both emotionally for me to stay with her.
