Great stuff, but I'd also like to add that Vicky should ask her atty about the laws in her state, as they're all different. For example, here in FL (a "no-fault" state, but you can use evidence of infidelity as part of custody considerations), it's enough to show her car parked in front of OM's house, whereas in some other states, you need to have video evidence of them walking in together. Laws on voice recordings vary by state as well; in fact, MOST (if not all?) family law is State law.
Vicky, I would just ask your atty "What kind of proof do I need?" and "What am I allowed to do and NOT allowed to do, legally, to get it?"
Yeah I happen to live in a state that is very liberal in terms of what I can/cannot do to gather evidence. They don't even require PI's to be licensed, although the one I hired actually is.
Ultimately you need to be able to show through the evidence that you meet the standard of proof for adultery in your state.
The standard I listed would probably fly anywhere if you could establish that much, because most states do have common defenses (condonation, collusion, etc.) to adultery as well.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Thanks guys. This week my attorney is suppose to be looking into what I need. I figure I should do some research myself. I'm in NY so if anyone has info about NY I welcome it.
So get this, H called me back regarding my text, that he needs to ask himself if he is welcomed back home. And of course he had an attitude. I said that yes, I think you're under the impression that when you're ready to come back home that you can just walk back it but it isn't gonna work like that. I even said that based on his atitude I don't know if I want you back. Too much has happened. Then he said that do you want me to come and get the rest of my stuff. And I said yes come and get it. Then he said fine its finished then, don't call or text me for anything. And that he doesn't call me for anything anyway other than important stuff but he won't call for that either now. It's finished with. I said fine by me but I only call/text you about the bldg and paying your bills and he said that since he's not coming back that he's not paying any bills and I said you are only paying for your stuff. The bills you created. ie. we had argument H broke my LCD TV that he bought back and is still paying for and now he's saying he won't pay for it. I told him that he knows what's right and that he should then just let his conscience be his guide. I think he is just blowing steam but time will tell. He even said just start the divorce papers and I told him my lawyer has been working on it. He talk about the bldg that he should be getting. And I said I have no problem with that but his lawyer will have to work that out for him. I'm not giving crap until all expenses are cleared. So the big bad wolf is upset that his game isn't really as he thought.
So the big bad wolf is upset that his game isn't really as he thought.
It is empowering I know, but keep focused on what is important and what is right. Resist the urge to lay down the hurt. Sounds funny coming from me, but I'm doing only what is necessary to protect myself.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Ok, what the hell!! So my attorney called me back regarding starting the D. Based on her research and mine, filing on the grounds of adultery is hard in NY. She came up with another alternative which I like, filing on the grounds of cruel and unusal treatment. We discussed all that we I need to evidence etc. However, she then told me the price of starting the case $10-15k, with a $4.5k retainer. OMG, I don't have that kind of money right now. I've been living from check to check. There is no way I can come up with that kind of money. She said she would work with me if I don't have all the retainer right away. But damn, does a divorce really cost that much? And to be honest I am not even willing to sacrifice all the little $$ I do have for a divorce I don't really want. Does anyone know of any other options available to me? Can I process it by myself?
Ok, what the hell!! So my attorney called me back regarding starting the D. Based on her research and mine, filing on the grounds of adultery is hard in NY. She came up with another alternative which I like, filing on the grounds of cruel and unusal treatment. We discussed all that we I need to evidence etc. However, she then told me the price of starting the case $10-15k, with a $4.5k retainer. OMG, I don't have that kind of money right now. I've been living from check to check. There is no way I can come up with that kind of money. She said she would work with me if I don't have all the retainer right away. But damn, does a divorce really cost that much? And to be honest I am not even willing to sacrifice all the little $$ I do have for a divorce I don't really want. Does anyone know of any other options available to me? Can I process it by myself?
A contested D will cost a lot, but check with your attorney on suing your H for reimbursement. You can spend as much as you want if you have kids involved.
Sometimes, an uncontested D is fine if you don't have any major disagreements. As much as we'd like to light a fire under the WAS, a contested D is not always the best option if you have decided to file.
I've spent nearly $7,000 myself just getting revved up.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
We have two properties that we will need to divide up and numerous bills to split. And I actually know it will be a problem to come to an agreement on. I so would include suing him for the attorney cost but that is reimbursement, I would still have to come up with the $ up front. Really since H walked out and left me with all the bills, I have about $2k left in my account holding on. This is so crazy!
I did it!! Go me, go me, progress made. So H came by last night to pick up his W2. We talked a bit and I gotta say, H looked pretty miserable. I could tell he is doing a lot of thinking and the reality of his situation seems to be killing him, but I say that with a grain of salt until I see him do something to change the situation - don't know what he looks like when I'm not around, right? It is a process that he has to go through. I was very good in stating last to him that I have my requirements, I'm not ready to jump back into anything with him, and I have a lot to offer in any R I'm in, and I want someone who will bring more to table.
Anyway, what I'm most proud of is that as always, H makes himself fresh and tries to makeout with me (damn cake-eater!!!). Again, I kept pushing him off, and I was about to do my last number in which I go to the bedroom and lock myself in, but I said, no and stood my ground. Yippee. Funny thing is that he noticed that the last that I pushed him out. And I did again. I felt proud of myself.
He started with he's knows he's coming back home, and I told I don't want to hear it. When he takes actions and moves out from living with OW and back to his mother's place then he can talk to me. I know his living situation with OW is temporary since they are just renting a room, but he will need to make some final moves either with her or with me. And after he left, I didn't even call H when he left, which is a total 180 for me. I thought about calling him but I went right to sleep. I'm trying hard at this people.
