After nearly 20 years of a sex-starved marriage, my wife's infidelity two years ago, and a lack of any meaningful progress since then on our longstanding intimacy issues, the fetching Mrs. Puppy and I have made the very painful decision to seek an uncontested divorce.
I am no longer willing to live in a sexless marriage, and she is horribly unhappy not being pursued and wooed, although I've never quite been sure why someone would want to be CHASED when they didn't want to be CAUGHT, but I'll leave the marriage NEVER knowing the answer to that one. The three people with whom I've most closely shared the details of my marital relationship are all firmly convinced that my wife has some serious mental and/or emotional issues -- most likely Narcissistic Personality Disorder. As such, any continued marriage would always be about meeting all of her needs and not mine, and I'm simply no longer willing to live that way.
This has been 15 years coming, but I was determined to try everything, including the Retrouvaille weekend. Within two weeks of coming back from that, my wife had taken her wedding rings off again, and the tipping point for me was when I learned three weeks ago that my dad has leukemia, my wife didn't even hug me. She's a good person, but she's cold, and I just can't live like this anymore.
She approached me back on 4/1 saying that her parents had asked us if we were going to celebrate our upcoming wedding anniversary, and we agreed not to, considering the state of our marriage. Since that discussion, we've started to work out whether we want to do S or D (we decided on divorce), and hope to be able to work out everything consensually with a mediator, altho I'm skeptical. I just don't think she has ANY CLUE about the financial side of this, or what she's up against.
At first, she proposed an in-house separation, due to our financial situation (we can't afford two residences). I said I would agree, under three conditions:
1. We tell our boys (S16, S12) what's going on, because they deserve to know;
2. She and I agree to a fairly detailed financial arrangement, so that it's clear what's expected of each other. I told her that I do think that would entail her generating some additional income, and my doing what it took to help facilitate that logistically.
3. We continue to honor our marriage vows as long as we're still married. If either one of us began to feel like this was becoming impossible to do, then we'd come to the other to talk about it before acting on it.
She agreed to the first two, but immediately objected to #3, which also confirmed my suspicions as she'd been acting very secretive and restless lately (hiding her cellphone again, locking it, etc.).
I stood my ground on principle, and this is where we are right now.
Although I hate to do this, and could have probably sucked it up a few more years until our boys were out of the house, this is probably for the best, as I know deep down that I deserve more. I deserve to be loved in every sense that a husband should be loved by his wife, and I deserve to have my emotional needs met, too. And I've come to the conclusion that my wife is basically incapable of doing that, and I share the blame in that I do believe that "we teach people how to treat us," and my actions (or lack thereof) pretty much taught my wife that she could remain married to me, financially and emotionally SUPPORTED by me, and yet she wouldn't have to do much, if anything, to meet any of my needs.
And so this is it. I'm going to have to learn all about "detachment" again, as I know I'll drive myself nuts wondering just what my wife is hiding on her cellphone, and as long as my boundaries are respected (and so far, she is respecting them), I really don't have the right to expect her to be transparent with me anymore. I'm going to need some support and advice from you all, because I'm not very good at analyzing my own situation (we never are!), and I may need an occasional whack upside the head.
I've got so much more to say, but I want to get this post up before I lose it, as there are storms in our area and the power keeps flickering. Please pray for me and my family as we go thru this, and for me to have the strength and the wisdom to make good decisions for me and my boys.
I'm good with this. Although I've had a rough couple of days this week (our anniversary), I know that God hasn't brought me this far to just abandon me, and SO much has literally been jumping off the Bible page at me this week that I just know that His hand is guiding me thru this tough time.
It would appear, however, that I'm a whole lot better at busting up affairs than I am at healing a marriage.
The decision is never an easy one, and although my situation has been contracted immensely by W's desire to play scorched-earth and attempt to alienate my D1, I still find it hard not to feel sympathy for someone who obviously has a host of problems, and which we are the last person they want to seek for help.
Loving detachment is hard, but ultimately it is loving because we allow our loved ones to make the mistakes they need to make in order to grow as a person and learn from. Busting up your W's A was the right thing to do, but I'm sure she still held a deep-seated resentment that you were able to one-up her (Narcissists can't help it) and that is something that was going to be difficult to get past because she probably finds it difficult to admit wrongdoing.
Ultimately we deserve better, whether from our spouse or someone else. It is impossible to have a healthy emotional balance in a one-way relationship. We can only carry the load so long ourselves, and I think the decision you are making is one many couples are making during this rough economic period.
I wish you the best, and hope you continue checking in with us and giving us advice.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
As you well know it takes two for a marriage. If everyone could figure out a way to be happy with only one person doing the work, well it would have been done along time ago. I expressed some of my thoughts to you on another post and I hope you will remember, I am here for you as I am sure many others will be.
Tons of hugs my friend.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
((((((Puppy))))), this is so sad to hear. You wife has let down and disappointed you, your boys, and ME!! I do agree that you deserve loved in every sense. I know that all the support and love you have given us on this site will come back to you tenfold. All my best. I so wish I had some advice for you. I'm so accustomed to receiving your wisdom that I don't even know what to say. Hugs and kisses!!!
Thanks, Katbaby -- yes, I do remember, and your inquiries and concern about how I was doing was part of the motivation I had today to finally post an update on my sitch.
