Yet another thread of mine has reached that critical 13-14 page point (and over 100 replies), and is due to be locked by the moderators, so it's time to start a new one. Here are the links to my previous threads:
For those who don't know my situation, here is a brief recap of our -remarkable- relationship / marital recovery story so far:
The Bad Old Days
My wife and I have been married for over 20 years, have four children (two young adults and two in elementary/middle school), and were in what seems to be a 'classic' HD-male / LD-female relationship for nearly all of our married lives. You could replace the Debra and Tom in Chapter 1 of SSM with our names, and with only a few modifications have a pretty accurate description of our situation up to last year. We were at the point where we each lived our own separate life, interacted only as necessary, and even slept in separate bedrooms most of the time: and we were both unhappy, lonely, and resentful. I had threatened separation on a few occasions, but could not bring myself to go through with it while we still had children in the house. In the winter of 2006-2007, a job change from one side of the country to the other forced us into a six-month separation anyway, while I went to the new job and my wife stayed behind to sell the old house -- and you all know what happened to the housing market that year. At first, the separation seemed like no big deal: we had been pretty much doing our own thing anyway, and it removed the nearly constant sexual tension between us that was present when we were together. As weeks stretched into months, however, I became depressed and passed through my own form of MLC, in which I recognized the pathetic state of my personal relationship with both my wife and children, and I understood that in order to be happy again, I either needed to fish or cut bait; that is, either put forward a genuine and sustained effort to rebuild my marriage or cut ties and seek my happiness elsewhere. I opted for the former.
Our progress, since then:
July 2007: My wife and I were reunited after the six-month separation wherein I found within myself the desire and drive to fix my broken marriage.
August 2007: Beginning with John Gray's Mars/Venus book, I began a research campaign to figure out 'how' to fix my marriage, putting into practice what I liked, and discarding what didn't seem to work.
November 2007: I found Michele's SSM book, asked my wife read it, wherein she had her own epiphany regarding men and the importance of physical intimacy. Breakthrough #1.
December 2007: I joined the old DB:SSM forum and shared a little of my story there...all the while my wife and I are making slow improvements in our relationship. I only stuck around on that forum a few weeks, and missed the entire 'Valentine's Day Exodus / Massacre.'
February 2008: we found an individual / couples / sex therapist to help us out and have been seeing him regularly ever since.
May 2008: My wife finally had the confidence in our marriage recovery, and trust in me, to reveal what she really needed in order to be happy both in and out of the bedroom -- it was time for me to 'man up' and take charge. I picked up a copy of NMMNG and starting applying the principles therein. Breakthrough #2.
January-February 2009: My wife and I were finally able to reach an area of overlap where we both felt comfortable and confident that our respective needs/wants with regard to emotional and physical intimacy would be met (gladly, not resentfully) by the other. We found our "Zone," narrow razor's-edge that it is for right now.
This past March, we fell off that razor's edge, but have been working to get back on it again. We have, at least, had a taste of what our final goal will be partially like --> as it was, it was not susttainable and there were some missing ingredients, but it was still very nice and a step in the right direction.
-- Bagheera
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
