Amyc you are right, I would only feel good for the moment. Truth is the last time I talked to him I did not do good and this is why you are right and I am NOT ready to communicate with him on any level. I told him I was hurt and upset, not because she has him, but because he is spending all that money on her and his son and I are struggling so badly. I know son is eighteen and I know I am not his responsbility but it costs alot to raise a teenager. My son is looking for a job but no luck yet. I did however send him a text later and I didnt tell him I was sorry but I did tell him that if he were in my shoes he would feel the same way and I sometimes didnt blame him for running because I sometimes would like to run too but I dont and cant. I did tell him I wanted him to be happy. I did this because I realized what you are now trying to tell me. I know that being angry is NOT good for me or anybody else. I probably should have let it go, but I didnt want to end it like that and besides it was a text. I havent seen him in weeks and havent talked to him but maybe twice in weeks so it is getting better. He is sooo wrapped up in his young finace', he won't be contacting me anymore, so I probably will not be speaking to him again anytime in the near future.
Renee, Where did you get your crystal ball? No one knows for sure if your h will return or not. My question to you is this....do you want the last thoughts he has at night to be of you in an angry state or one that is pleasant and maybe, just maybe he will second guess himself down the road?
I dont have a crystal ball snodderly. I know. I just was going by if he never returned, which right now, the way it looks, he may not. I know I dont know what the future holds and besides I am trying to have faith in GOD. But I get down sometimes, especially when something happens like this. He knows I am having it hard until I get out of school, he has said as much to our son. He says things like, go easy on your mom, she is having a hard time. He knows, he just wishes not to be reminded by me. The less he has to think about it the better off he is.
Snodderly your xh always had communication with you though, didnt he? XH told me the last time we talked that we were never going to be friends and he never wanted to hear from me and to leave him and gf alone. Which after him talking to me on the phone, I did leave him a message out of anger. (BIG MISTAKE I KNOW). He called and thats when he said all the above.
My xh hasnt wanted contact with me in 3 months....since the ow moved in. Am I the only one here that has an x-spouse or spouse who feels this way? I feel like I am alone here for some reason.
Another question I have is how in the world do they see the changes when they dont have any contact with us? I dont see him or talk to him, how in the world will he know?
I am making changes for me. I was just wondering, I dont understand this part of it.
Also peace this question is for you. Did you always have contact with your x? Or, did he just start to come around lately. How does ow react to contact with you?
renee,the answer is really right under your nose: go dark immediately.
if you go pitch black on you h, he will notice. and i don't mean gradually, i mean cold turkey. just do it. at most, it will shock him. at least, it will make him wonder why you aren't chasing after him anymore.
and it will be good for you to back off and regroup so you can start your game plan to GAL.
S some mlcers are dropouts--they want no contact some are dropins- wanting constact
I found this site 1 month after bomb so I started detaching validating ect..that created a nice friendship right away --and we have 2 kids so it allowed H to visit 4x weekly..we had many nice talks during those months and years but it wasnt real it was one sided with me doing all the giving and work--H was lieing living with ow the whole time My xh went to therapy a handful of times with me , but he was already in A and didnt reveal that part so I didnt snoop,,i trusted it would end but it didnt end and XH is still living wiyth ow my XH is a mess..he is anything but content-on meds..weight gain..liar, and in big debt and opposite everything I thought he was I never met her, but she has not helped him become a better man only helped his fall I only found this out a few months ago when my X busted our business,,I found credit cards statements dating back to before bomb of A..a lease for 2 adults ect so I confronted XH and he admitted his secret life and A prior to all that, XH lied and said he was living with Bill, a friend and I never checked the main thing is to take care of you and son move ahead in your life find hobbies make new freinds do your hair take dance or music lessons let H go It is his loss and he WILL not find what he is looking for but you might peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Best thing to do is to not talk to him at all. You can't miss what is right in front of you. Besides, if he knows you are obsessed and still want him then he has no reason to stop what he is doing. He knows when he is good and ready to come home (if he decides to) then he can. You will be there with open arms. Let him think you have moved on and that may get him thinking.
Work on yourself and become an independent woman. This way he will see you out there doing things for yourself. He will notice that you aren't clingy and depressed and that you have moved forward. You are divorced and that part of your life is over. If you have a chance to win him back, you have to prove to him that you have changed. But before you can do that, you have to prove to YOURSELF that YOU have changed.
Each and every person on here has given you advice and I would like to see you use it. Stop dwelling on the past. Stop dwelling on what your xh is doing. Stop dwelling on if he is going to help your son buy things. Stop worrying if he is going to call you. Actually, if he does...don't answer. He knows you want to talk to him and if you don't then he will start to wonder what you are doing.
Turn yourself around and become a different person than he left behind. I know you have it in you. Everyone knows you can do this or they wouldn't come back here day after day to try and help you. It is time for Sunshine to take control and become the great woman that she is.
Don't lose the person you are inside because of this. You are stronger than you think. Take some of that strength and put it to use.
First off thank you guys so much for caring enough to post to me.
I have been pitch black dark. I was dark for around 3 or 4 weeks with no contact with xh. No phone, so text or anything. It didnt seem to bother him at all. Maybe that wasnt long enough, I dont know. Xh is getting married to ow so he probably could care less if I ever contact him again. In fact, he has basically told me so. So Kimmie I have tried this, didnt work.
T2SP I was doing so good for almost a month, until recently. I left him a message on his phone and let him know how I felt about some things. He called me back and let me have it in return. Other than these couple calls and a couple texts here and there (by me, not him), I was on a roll. But I had a setback and regret it. I regret it for ME. T2SP I do believe, even though I went dark, that he thinks he can still come home, he knows I still care because he hurts me and I show it. He is so conceited that he will probably think this forever or until I remarry. I think he did wonder when I wasnt calling or anything, because my son mentioned to him that I wasnt asking questions about his dad and xh said "maybe she has a man". So yes I think it maybe made him wonder. He thinks I have been on dates but thats it. I guess I really messed up. To be honest guys, some days I dont care.
Renee, My xh and I did not have a lot of communication when he left, i.e., only when he wanted something. After the divorce, I didn't hear from him for well over 2 1/2, i.e., I never spoke to him or saw him. Now, he did sneaky things around my yard and had calls placed to my residence and work by others, but my personal contact w/him was nil. I don't have much contact w/him today because he's stuck in the time warp and I do not want to be bothered with a selfish, self-centered, immature individual who created a lot of damage that I ended up cleaning up, both mentally, physically and financially.
To be perfectly honest with you, you've not been dark long enough. Going dark is for you and you only. Your xh may not have anything to do with you for a couple of years and that's why it's very important that you just go on w/your life. You are alone in your mind. You've been so attached to your h and he's been such an integral part of your life that you've forgotten how to just be Renee, not Mrs. or his wife, etc. Renee, if you are alone, you are alone by your own choosing. Get out there and meet people and this can be done walking in park, book store, cafe, etc.
Renee, we all have been right where you are and yes, we took steps, i.e., one at a time to get to the other side.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks snodderly. I am not alone thank GOD. I have friends and I visit and do things with them alot. and I have GOD. I didnt think I had been dark long enough either. Snodderly I hate to say it and it might be bad, but I dont miss him near as much as I did. I dont know if I want him back or not. But I do want a relationship with someone. I dont think I miss my "xh". I think I miss the companionship. This is bad isnt it. Snodderly I just dont think our lives would ever be the same. I just want to be happy again. I think what hurts is the fact that xh doesnt care if we struggle. It doesnt really hurt me anymore that he is with her.
This guy asked me if he could call me and I said yes. BUT he hasnt, his dad has been sick. I am so hoping he will call.
