TOH, No one needs to be exposed to such drunken behavior. He needs professional help. You are very lucky that you were not harmed by him in this rage and drunken stupor. I'm sorry this happened this past weekend.
TOH, you have to do what is right for you. None of us can judge you for filing. If the path leads you back to your h at some point, it was meant to be. If the path leads you elsewhere, please tread safely and know that we are always here to help you.
Life is funny...it has a way of turning things around to make us open our eyes to all that is out there. TOH, I wish you all of the best and I know that no matter what happens in the months to come, you will find your way and the doors will open to many opportunities for you. Your h has a lot of healing to do and he will need to do this on his own.
Take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
toh No one can blame you for moving on at this point either you did all you could and you H does need help like AAand couseling If he is serious, he will get that help and when sober he can attempt to win you again
as far as new friend, just be careful too as some of us tend to pick the wrong types..and you have ( like me) used this new R to pull us away from H- and it worked... my new R is not right and will not last..i know that remember OP becomes an addiction--even for us peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I'm so sorry your H has reacted this way. He will truly regret his actions/words someday.
Reminds me of the way we, ourselves, may have acted when we hear d the 'bomb' (minus the drunken rage) Desparate, tearful, begging and pleading, and willing to promise the world for a second chance.
I still believe caution is the word to be remembered in this situation.
Caution has far as starting a more than friends relationship while still married....and caution in dealing with your Hs anger issues.
The fact that he destroyed some material and was threatening while in a drunken range does not bode well for your emotional well being or your physical safety.
Make sure you taking care of your safety/security at this time. Make sure you're keeping your laywer updated on the interactions you've had so far with H.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
STBX came yesterday morning after work. He asked if we could talk. We went into my bedroom out of earshot of the girls. He got down on his knees, took me by the hand and asked me to give him another chance. He will quit drinking, he'll cook, he'll clean, he'll get counseling, he'll do anything. I told him I didn't know if I could. I listened. We talked about the "real" issues that has ruined both our lives. Told him it's time he gets help and puts it to rest. He said he knows. I asked him how we could ever live healthy lives when we live in such an unhealthy world. His family has so many issues. I told him I cannot go back. He said he won't go back. It went on for awhile. He has the answer for everything. I told him I need time.
I thought about him and us all day. He called last night. Wanted an answer. I said I needed time. He needed to know, I had to know what is in my heart. I said if your asking me today, I have to say no. It's too late. Too much has happened. I have no idea where this road is taking me but today, I have to do this for me. I told him that I know today he's sincere about all that he says, I know that he believes it and I believe him. Today. But tomorrow is a new day, what happens six months from now. He needs help and I cannot help him. He needs to make these changes he promises me but not for me, for himself. He says he wants to make them for me. I said it'll never work.
After I said no the tables turned immediately. He instantly was mad and started throwing threats again. He wants to know who OP is. He threatened to call my PO and tell them of a incedent the other night that was innocent but would be concidered breaking my PO. He's going to drag B into court because he's seeing a married woman. (never slept with me but okay?) I finally said "the crap that is now coming out of your mouth is why it's over" he said "well I'm mad" I said, "well you need to get the f*ck over it, you made your bed and now you need to lie in it" he didn't respond. I said " I have to go make supper, I feel sorry for you and I'm sorry it had to be like this" he said "yea".
An hour or so later he called again. "I'm sorry, I would never do that, I just keep hurting you don't I" I said " you gotta do what you gotta do" He said "I'm sorry" I said "okay" and we hung up.
What a mess I'm in. Today I'm calling the L and will procede. It's done.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
OH hang in there take some time to pray and meditate
I know you are preparing yourself b/c as you follow thru your stbx may go crazy creed is right take caution..you said good things to him he has to stop drinking for him not U
I am doing this affirmation on a few situations in m my life
If this situation is diviely planned I will bless it and not resist it If it is not divinely planned, I thank God that it is now disolved and disipated good luck peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
one more thing Alanon is a gereat program for anyone dealing with active alcoholism the women there are supportive and wise and have many tips on dealing with slcoholic spouses there are meetings all over the country if you become interested just a thought peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
TOH, Your h is talking the talk, i.e., promising to do this and do that. Until he makes the move to correct his behavior and actually do it for a period of time and can show you that he's doing what he needs to do to help himself, not to win you back, then it will never work. He senses that you are pulling away from his drama and have gotten stronger, therefore, he's in a panic mode and wants you to be right where he left you.
TOH, please think long and hard about what you need to do to save yourself. Please do not do something on a whim or in a fit of anger. If you opt to continue to go down the divorce lane, fine. If you opt to wait a bit to see if he's going to walk the straight and narrow, that's fine too. I will be behind you and your decision 100%. All I ask is that you please be careful around him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
"Your h is talking the talk, i.e., promising to do this and do that. Until he makes the move to correct his behavior and actually do it for a period of time and can show you that he's doing what he needs to do to help himself, not to win you back, then it will never work. He senses that you are pulling away from his drama and have gotten stronger, therefore, he's in a panic mode and wants you to be right where he left you."
Exactly right Snodderly, and just what I told him. I've seen it too many times in my life. Right now, today, it wouldn't change a thing. Even IF he quit drinking and got counciling this M is over. Way TOO much has happened.
I feel sorry for him. I understand exactly what he is going through, I've felt each emotion. BUT big difference. I don't drink, and I'm not cabable of being as crazy as him. I'm scared. I see lots of bad things happening. He's liable to do just about anything at this point. I don't know what to do to stop it. A restraining order I feel would just set him off more and there's the farm and graduation. Besides, it won't stop him.
Yesterday he called my mom. Wrong person if he was looking for sympathy. He then talked to both girls and found out I was not home. He called me. I took the first 2 calls. Then he called 6-7 times after. He is spinning terribly. Each day he seems to be madder (crazy).
Dambit! He wanted this thing. Now that he's gotten his wish, why can't he just let me go?
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
alot of posters have pointed out the same things....you have made a drastic change in your feelings towards your H, your M, the farm in a very short period of time.
less than 8 weeks ago you wanted all those above things. This all seems to coincide with B entering your life.Soooo... are you really any dif than your H...you are having an affair albeit an emotional one. You were so adamant your H shouldnt have an affair while M, that it wasnt right. Whats so different here?
Cant you you cool your jets with B to find out just who you really are and to not expose B to the wrath of your H......He will find out who B is. Is that fair to B?
Quote:
I'm not cabable of being as crazy as him.
uhhmmmmm wanna re-think that one?
How will you feel is A) something happens to B or he gets dragged thru this very messy D B) when this messy D is over and B has decided this is not for him and you find yourself alone.
All thru your postings you have said over and over you are not meant to be alone. Im not 2 x 4 -ing TOH just bringing up what your old posts taught us about you. Im not saying you shouldnt D this unstable abusive drunk....just dont be the kettle calling the pot black or stick up to the morals you showed us you have. you appear to to be riding the wave of euphoria of an EA. We all hope not for you , for B, your girls and even your H
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
your always there to throw that "reality" wrench at me aren't you? Thanks.
Everything you've said I have went over myself again and again. What happens if things don't go anywhere with B and I? Am I prepared to be alone or to find someone else? Do I really want to spend the rest of my life without H? Should I be pursueing or starting a new R with someone with all this crap going on? Is B prepared to handle the wrath of H? He says yes, but is he really? I really don't want him hurt and shouldn't be.
I think I am...right now I am concentrating on ending this M. Getting through D17's graduation. Keeping safe from H and all of his madness. Trying to enjoy my life again. B is a ray of sunshine in a very dark world. Of course I'm in a euphoria. But really trying to stay "real" with myself and him. I am very open and honest with H and B. They both deserve that and I have to honest with myself. My desicion to D was made before B came along. Just coincedence, chance, luck, bad or good timing that B fell into my life shortly after. Being with him may have given me the strength to make that final step of filing. I am not sure. But regardless it was time. I know in my heart now that my M has been over for a very long time. I still wish it could have been different. My morals haven't changed. I wanted to grow old with the man that I promised to love honor and cherish all the days of my life. But, HE made sure that didn't happen. I love H, I always will. I've told this to H and B. But I will no longer put myself through hell, no longer sacrifice my health and happiness to be with him. I did absolutely everything I could to save my M and in the end it was out of my hands.
In my mind and heart, once those papers were filed I was D the rest is just legalities. I know everyone will not agree. But to me I have been in this M by myself for a very very long time. There has been no one there to love me, to cherish me, to honor me for years. I just wish the D could have been final before B came into my life. That's just not the way it happened. We both have discussed immensley the idea that we should not see each other until that happens. He says he doesn't want to do that but if that's what I need to do he has promised me he'll wait. The stubborn side of TOH says "dambit! I've waited far too long to be happy". I have wasted TOO may years on H and the life that I should have had. I don't want to waste another second.
I am rambling, sorry, I guess I am just trying to get through each day the best I can. I am no longer looking to far into the future because today is all I really have. Only God knows what is in store for H, B, my girls, and me.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
