Swimming upstream...PH #7

[pearlharbr]

Ok, this update is overdue but I've been processing.

Met with xBF on Sunday. Started out by asking me why I was so dressed up. (Of course I was wearing a new dress that highlights my new figure!) Not exactly a compliment so I asked if I should change. No, that's not what he meant. We decided to go to dim sum instead of mediocre egg place so had to drive out to the burbs. Then we were going to go watch the races but they were closed for Easter. Came back to the house to go over and sign the settlement papers, chit chatted and played with the cats for a while. I finally asked if we were going to talk or not.

In a nutshell, he said my letter sounded like I was done with him. No, just laying out my bottom line and giving him the opportunity to say yes, I can do these things or no, I can't do these things. So the letter coupled with me being upset last week about him not wanting me to date other people made thim think I was done. I explained to him that I was done and could probably walk away now and have a happy life but I wanted to try everything so I'm willing to try. But he has not stepped up to the plate to show me that he's willing to put the effort in. He said he didn't want to push because he thought I was done with him. I said I've told him a number of times over the past month that I expect to see action on his part and there's only been a couple things done. He said he understands now (really?) and will step up. I told him this was the last time I was going to say anything because I'm tired of repeating myself and feeling like I'm telling him what I want/need and still not getting any response.

He ended up coming to a movie with me since that was what I had planned to do in the afternoon and his plans were cancelled. We came back to the house and he picked up his stuff and left.

All in all it was a pretty comfortable day just hanging out. But that doesn't mean I have any deeper feelings for him left.

He sent two emails this morning. One was forwarding an article that references a private joke between us our friends in MSP. Second said thanks for a nice day yesterday and offered to check on the cats on Fri because I'll be out of town. I replied that I had a nice time too and yes, it would be nice if he could stop by on Fri. Said I'll leave a house key out and asked him to return it when he leaves. I don't know if that sounds bad but I'm not ready to just give him back his keys.

We'll see what happens next. I'm waiting for him to bring up counseling. I think it's important to have someone help guide us through the upcoming discussions that need to happen. Wondering how long I give it before I bring it up. Still trying to walk the fine line between telling him what I want/need and letting him figure it out on his own.

Guess I'll move over to Piecing when this thread locks. But please please please come over and visit. I don't know how I would make it through this without all of you.

[Kenn]

I actually can talk on the phone for 4 hours, and not blink an eye.

Wow...4 hours????

I'm just secure enough in my masculinity to reach out to my feminine side.

and there is another quote for my fridge

[Kenn]

Wow PH,

that conversation sounds like as a friend of mine says, "being in a round room trying to find the corner"

I can tell you must be frustrated. You're my bud not him. He may be playing the ignorant card on purpose however as a guy I will tell you that sometimes we just don't get it.

I can now relfect back to points in my relationship with my wife where I know she was trying to tell me something and I just didn't get it. Takes a lot of reflection and time to pick up on things that she thought were crystal clear. I believe the phrase she used was, "you shold have known what I meant".

So anyway, just wanted to share some with you to better understand the more limited intelects like myself LOL!

As a matter of fact I am still struggling with the one line the wife shot me about being "in love with me". I wonder if she was testing me and I failed to respond the way she hoped. My gut says it was a wisper in the wind like MsM said. Since the next day she went to talking about the seperation agreement. But I still have my curiosity.

Doesn't it stink though. When you first start dating it is so easy and you just fall right into place. But break up and all of a sudden it's like pulling teeth to get back to some desiralble point. Really helps to understand why so many people just call it quits and move on.

Hope all is going well and in line with what you would like!

[silvagod]

Guess I'll move over to Piecing when this thread locks. But please please please come over and visit. I don't know how I would make it through this without all of you.

You betcha Pearl!

Good luck and hopefully see you over there!!

[pearlharbr]

Thanks for the support Kenn. Yes, I understand men and women have different communication styles and understand things differently. A large point of embarrassment for me in this whole sitch is that I was a communication major in college and worked in communications and marketing. I understand it in my professional life so why was it so lacking in my personal life?

When I am trying to make a point to him I always try to be very clear and specific and speak to the male mind. I can't keep track of how many times I have said, "I don't believe your words because you have proven yourself to be a liar. The only thing I will believe is your actions." But for some reason he thought there was no point in stepping up. He was waiting to hear me say yes, I am willing to work on this relationship. But I was waiting for him to show me that yes, he is willing to work on this relationship.

So he emailed again late last night. More flirty, chatty stuff and asked if I would like to do something Sat night. My immediate response is to reply with the same tone but then I second guess myself and don't know what to do. Am I just falling back into the comfortable friend zone too quickly and easily? Or do we need to be there before we start tackling the hard stuff?

My advice to you on the "in love" line is to let it go. You can't go back and change your response so why worry about it? Put it on a shelf with all the other wacky things, both negative and positive, she throws at you. Leave it on the shelf until you're in a position to review everything as a whole.

[Sam1007]

We'll see what happens next. I'm waiting for him to bring up counseling. I think it's important to have someone help guide us through the upcoming discussions that need to happen. Wondering how long I give it before I bring it up. Still trying to walk the fine line between telling him what I want/need and letting him figure it out on his own.

Be careful with this pearl. By now, you should know that xBF coming up with actions isn't his strong point. Don't set yourself up for disappointment by expecting him to come up with the idea to propose counseling. This stage is difficult, but you have to decide where you draw the line between guiding him and being willing to be guided by him the way he sees best.

[pearlharbr]

We've already discussed counseling. He brought it up in his letter and we talked about it the first time we talked, two weeks ago. At that time I asked if he was serious about going or if he was just saying that because he thought that's what I wanted. No, he really thinks going will help resolve our communication issues. So I told him that yes, I agree and think it's necessary to go. I also informed him that the counselor we saw previously thinks I should dump his ass permanently so it's up to him to decide if we go back to that counselor or find a new one. And if he wants a new one then it's his responsibility to find one and make the appointment.

So it's not like I'm expecting him to read my mind about counseling. I'm expecting him to follow up.

[Sam1007]

I am glad you cleared that up. I misunderstood. And you are right, the following up is what he needs to learn how to do!

[Amy M]

I say go with the fun, flirty response...just like you might do with a new guy! Because I think you'll need some basis for tackling the hard stuff...you need something to hold on to while you do the work...something that makes the work worth it, ya know?

[pearlharbr]

I guess what I'm worried about is that if I concentrate on having fun that he will think that things are back to "normal" and he will not do the work he has promised to do.

But it is nice to just hang out and relax. It's been a long time.