Hi Cinco! I'm so happy you came and gave us an update and had your first day of work. Woo hoo! How does it feel to be back to the grind? We're so happy for you!
On your thread you talked about a disappointing sex experience. It made me think of responding, so I decided to do that here on my thread.
On the topic of...bad sex experiences and gracefully getting out of them.
I know that most people in this forum have such histories with their spouses that when a sex experience starts to go bad, they suddenly feel anxiety and don't know how to fix it without pissing the other person off or making the other person feel inadequate. And then both parties start losing arousal and/or feel pressured to perform or finish, etc. I was in that dilemma many times in my marriage.
In my current relationship, there hasn't been the history of bad experiences, but we do have the usual things that can make any couple start having a bad experience in the moment...ie: one or both partners is totally wiped out tired, one or both is too preoccupied to devote their whole attention, one or both just "isn't getting there" maybe due to too much to drink or the weather being too hot, etc.
So I now have experienced what I wish I could have experienced during my marriage. The graceful and simple act of deciding that "tonight the sex ain't working out, but I can't wait until we can try again tomorrow, baby".
In my marriage, I wish I knew how to say this and truly mean it and truly go for sex again the next day.
But I know that if I could go back in time, I could do exactly that. I do it now in my current relationship, and really, it actually kind of makes sex (when it happens next) better than usual! Its like, whenever one or both of us just can't give all of our attention to the task at hand for any reason, one of just says gently what I said above. Both of us or just one of us might then decide to masterbate. Either right there next to our partner, or in another room, depending on the sitch. Or both of us might just go to sleep or do something else. We both know that when we do come back to the task, we will be even more frustrated for each other, and that tends to make the sex better (when it is a healthy frustration).
I know, I know...most of you have too many past hurts to feel comfortable doing this...or you are just tired of sexual frustration so you aren't willing to stop in the moment even if it is headed toward a bad sexual experience. But if you just try it a few times...just try saying "I can see you are just too tired and I'll catch up with you tomorrow, darling"....in fact you might find that sometimes your partner then steps up his or her game. Sometimes out of pride, they want to show you they ARE up for the task, right now! This might seem like pity, especially if you are used to getting pity sex from your partner. So you will have to decide in the moment if you want to accept the pity sex, new enthusism or not. I'd say, don't accept it if that's what it feels like. But in that moment, you might really want it, even as a pity gift! That's ok too! Sometimes pity sex is actually a gift from the heart, so be open to that gift so your spouse can re-arrange his or her ability to give it to you. (Note: I don't think you should ever really accept pity sex, but I do think you should re-arrange your notion of what pity sex looks like in your marriage so you can find out if there is another category of sex that's not pity but instead, truly a giving act. Maybe there is, maybe there isn't. But do look for it.)
Being able to gracefully step out of a bad sexual experience should lessen the need for pity sex anyway. And it *might* cause new desire to enter the scene. There have been several times when my man has been too tired or pre-occupied, and I've said "baby we're both just too tired tonight, I'll get up for a ride in the morning". Suddenly it sparks his desire and wakes him up. Something about me just being able to be graceful about my feelings of rejection or frustration makes him feel more sexual again. Like me being aloof and *real* about it and not making a big deal out of it, puts the wind back in his sails immediately! Not always, but it surprised me the first several times this happened, so that's why I mention it. There is something a little bit *cool* and *sexy* about you when you can walk away from it without having a bad attitude.
Anyway welcome back Cinco....and check in whenever you can!
