I groaned. Seriously though I understand how you feel. Any attempt by my husband to contact me just fills me up. It is usually only in regard to something I have had to contact him about first though. It appears that you are going to have to be the 180 for this relationship to work. Your wife appears to want someone that she respects and she only respects you when you stand up and show her how strong you are. Which is hard for someone who wants to be loving and caring and a people pleaser. I hope she opens her eyes and sees her role in all of this.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
Your wife appears to want someone that she respects and she only respects you when you stand up and show her how strong you are. Which is hard for someone who wants to be loving and caring and a people pleaser.
Completely hard.
It seems to be a very common issue here on the boards, including for me. We take a stand, see the movement toward us, see the WAS become vulnerable -- we soften, open up and start to take care of them --- and then they are gone again.
It is a very hard line to walk - firm with strong boundaries, but caring at the same time.
I am finding that the "N.U.T.S" concept works OK - once you figure out what your boundaries are and get in the habit of enforcing them. It's not a habit that changes over night, however.
Keep it up PD. You know what to do. Have you read "Hang on to your NUTS" ?
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I spent my tax refund at Amazon last week. Just waiting for the dead-trees to arrive.
"No More Mr. Nice Guy!" "Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men" "Anxious to Please: 7 Revolutionary Practices for the Chronically Nice" "The Way of the Superior Man"
KerryK: I'll have to check out "for Men Only" too, but my reading queue is pretty full as it is!
It's funny; I am a pathological book-worm by nature, but prior to this year I only bought computer and technology-related books. Since the bobm, I have only bought and read 2 computer books (which is a huge 180 for me), but about two dozen relationship books...
Truthfully, I wish I had bought a number of these years ago. It just serves to illustrate how imbalanced my life and priorities were.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
I had not looked at the 3rd one, but may need to go get it.
Originally Posted By: PortlandDad
Hey folks,
It's funny; I am a pathological book-worm by nature, but prior to this year I only bought computer and technology-related books. Since the bobm, I have only bought and read 2 computer books (which is a huge 180 for me), but about two dozen relationship books...
Completely agree - before Bomb I read only business books and fiction. Now...
Originally Posted By: PortlandDad
Truthfully, I wish I had bought a number of these years ago. It just serves to illustrate how imbalanced my life and priorities were.
I have been trying to hide the amount of R books that I read from my WAW, but she sees them and it definitely puts her on the defensive.
A couple of years ago, she probably would have been thrilled.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
W called a little while ago. She was getting ready for bed and I think she wanted to take my temperature to see if I was still going to be stern with her.
I told her that no matter what, I expected her to respect the boundaries that I outlined to her. I did tell her that as long as she wanted to work on things, I would not be pushing for the D, but if I did not see some visible evidence that she was working toward a reconciliation that all options were still on the table.
She seemed to be fine with that and was even nice to me, which would normally be puzzling to me, but in light of my recent awareness, it makes sense. I think she wants me to take charge and "be the man" in our R instead of the sympathetic non-player that I was. I can do that if that is what she wants (and it looks like she does). Now if only she would have told me to "grow a pair" years ago...
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
When I tried to be nice, nothing worked. When I started to set boundaries and firmly stand up for myself, I was afraid of the consequences, and had all sorts of dire confrontational scenarios built up in my head - but none of them ever happened. Just like yours, when I stayed calm, clear and firm, my W just listened, then said OK and did what I asked. The dire scenarios never occurred and things even got better.
Originally Posted By: PortlandDad
Now if only she would have told me to "grow a pair" years ago...
Amen! -- Lesson Learned by me too!
Last edited by Thinker; 04/13/0908:15 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
You know, something else I was thinking about today...
In my Ws house growing up, her father was pretty verbally abusive toward her mom, and not very loving at all. In fact, he could be pretty physically abusive as well. I won't say that it was a continual thing, but both my W and MIL were expected to hold to a certain level of behavior and decorum while in the house: when papa was home, he was king. They were expected to have the house cleaned and dinner ready every day. They were not to talk back to him or disturb him, etc.
I am completely the opposite of her dad: I am much more sympathetic and emotional. I am not strict, nor disciplined, nor do I enforce discipline. My W has complained for years that I need to take a firmer hand with the kids, so forth. I know that she has felt like she was the 'alpha' in our R, and I wonder if her upbringing has bred in her some resentment for the way that I have handled myself in our family. She actually likes things rough in the bedroom, too, and I am not usually one to be rough.
Makes me go, 'Hmmmm.....'
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
My W's father was the strong, responsible executive who took care of everything, was overly responsible and(although fair and calm)firmly ruled the family while her mom was fun loving and (to be honest) irresponsible.
Do our wives really want to be married to their fathers?
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Seriously though I understand how you feel. Any attempt by my husband to contact me just fills me up. It is usually only in regard to something I have had to contact him about first though. It appears that you are going to have to be the 180 for this relationship to work. Your wife appears to want someone that she respects and she only respects you when you stand up and show her how strong you are. Which is hard for someone who wants to be loving and caring and a people pleaser. I hope she opens her eyes and sees her role in all of this.