Holding onto Hope

[In Limbo]

Sandi2,
Thanks for your posting. I am amazed by how much you give to others on this site. What a blessing you are. I hope you had a wonderful Easter weekend. I'm going to try to respond to your questions and suggestions and also give you an update on my sitch.
I am definitely keeping all of my tools to myself. I use my work-issued laptop only which is password protected and also protected from downloads of any types of software. Good tips.
Funny you should mention the MLC. I have wondered for a while if this is what H is going through. He lost his dad fairly early (H was 20, his dad was 41) and so I think approaching 40 is even tougher because of that. We were out on a date this weekend and he actually brought the topic up. He asked what I thought, did I think he was MLC. I told him that I did think he showed many of the symptoms (EA, wants a Porsche, recently changed jobs, LYBNILWY, separation, etc.). I didn't say it accusingly. He asked if I had read any info on the topic and I said that I researched it after we had spoken Monday and he first brought it up. He asked me to send him the info so I did today. He called me after he received it and said he was amazed how much it sounded like him. I'm not sure, but I think this is a very positive thing that he's at least seeking information and doing a self-evaluation. What do you think?

if he will not tell this OW that things are over then that means he is still wanting to cling to her and what she does for him emotionally

He told me that she emailed him Thursday and asked him if I had told him our M was over if he continued to talk with her. He said he told her yes and hasn't heard from her since and doesn't expect to. I would have preferred a "don't contact me again - ever" but will take what I can get.

I did not understand why he sees her in groups where you are not invited……..if he changed jobs. Can you explain that a little better, please?

He and the ladies and one guy at his last job that hung out together were extremely close (that environment was VERY bad for our M). I was never invited to go out with them. After his EA was confirmed, he had two additional social occaisions with the group and even though two of the ladies invited me to one of them, he flat out told me that I was not welcome. He did not want me to be around OW and was not ready to make a statement that we were together or something. I think he was worried that the tension between me and OW would be noticed by others (nobody else knew) and also OW is too fragile and would freak out. I really didn't care about any of that and was almost as hurt by the exclusion as I was by the discovery of the EA. We talked at length about our feelings but he was not budging. That was over 2 weeks ago but in some ways seems like a lifetime ago.

Can you tell us why he left the house if he was going to break off the EA?

Tonight I may give you a run for the money with the length of this post. Let me try to give a brief summary of years of M history. We met at 17 and never dated anyone else. M at 24. Serious problems in M began to surface after 1st S born 11 years ago. Lots of different reasons on both sides, but the root I think goes back to poor communication and conflict resolution skills. I was always the more responsible one and he was the fun party guy. Kids just seemed to widen that gap and resentment grew on both parts. Three years ago I came to the end of my rope and when he wouldn't go to counseling, I filed for D. I know it sounds crazy, but I never really wanted a D, I wanted to shock him into working on our M. We ended up reconciling and I thought things were gong well. Then a year later (on Easter), he told me that he didn't love me anymore. I had promised when we reconciled that I was in the M forever and stuck by that. He never left and we basically just "got by" the past two years. Over the past year he has been staying out more and more, distanced himself from the kids and me and increased his alcohol intake. About 6 months ago I began to feel in my gut that if he wasn't cheating, it was only a matter of time. Around Christmas, things really took a turn for the worse and he emailed me that we had been separated for so long emotionally that should just "make it legal." I told him that if that was what he wanted, to proceed. I was not going to be the one to do it. Around that same time he began to spend every moment at home on the computer or on his blackberry texting and was very secretive about it. Then out of the blue in February he comes home from a concert he went to without me with the "gang" from work drunk as a skunk and held me like there was no tomorrow and told me he did still love me and never stopped but hadn't known how to tell me when things were still so bad between us. The next day he reiterated every thing so that I would know it wasn't just the booze talking. At that point, I was REALLY confused.
A month later when I confirmed the EA and we really began talking, he said he still wanted to separate so that he could figure out what's going on in his head. We have talked more in the past month than in the past year. He is confused. He says he is so detached that he doesn't think he can even want to work on the marriage. He still loves me, but NIL and doesn't want us to waste more time on something that can't work but at the same time doesn't want to be that guy that leaves his wife, gets the Porsche and the younger babe and then realizes what a mistake he made. Every time we talk (BTW, I'm getting MUCH better at waiting for HIM to call ME) and every time he emails, he always says he loves me. I believe he does, but he's trying to rationalize that he can love and respect me and not be my spouse (the whole maybe we'd make better friends thing). So why does he hold my hand and put his arm around me when we're together. Is that just habit? I'm working on the hypersensitivity but it's so hard not to overanalyze everything.
Last week was really hard because the boys were gone to the grandparents' houses and I was very isolated all week. I got a lot of pity partying out of the way and was I thought amazingly strong this weekend. I'm still having good days and bad days and making mistakes pursuing, but they're getting fewer and further between. I'm reading a book called Hope for the Separated that has been helpful from a Christian perspective (which is important to me) and it's tiding me over until I can get my DB and DR books. Which of those should I read first?
I'm also working on GAL and trying to rediscover who I am. H said he is worried that I am "faking" with changes he is noticing. I told him that I have realized that I've not been living my life out loud and that regardless of anything with him, I've got a life to lead and want to make it the best it can be so I'm making changes based on my self-evaluation. Get over it buddy, it's not about you. He first looked at me like he sort of didn't believe me but then smiled and gave me a look of "you go girl - I like that." I just had to laugh.
We go to MC tomorrow at noon and I'm hopeful but trying to be realistic too. One step at a time. Also, I did get a pedicure last week, I'm still losing weight (that give me a new old wardrobe) and taking good care of one of my best features - my hair. No classes or anything yet, but that's a bit more challenging to get into with keeping up with the boys' activities. Hopefully soon I'll figure something out.
Any suggestions for how to handle giving him advice on MLC when he asks would be appreciated. Also, any tips for making MC most successful? Any other thoughts based on my sitch? Thanks for listening to this marathon post. Would you believe I had more stuff, but cut it out? Take care!