I know exactly what you mean about perspective. There are always shoes to walk in that are way heavier than the ones we are wearing. One day last week when I was feeling like my life sucked, a little girl in my writing class came up to me. She is very smart, a very gifted writer at the age of 10.
She asked me if I had seen the news that morning. I had not, being busy with my kids. At 4:30 in the morning, her grandfather had been shot by the police because he was attempting to kill her grandmother with a wrench. Grandmother was hospitalized. They were going through a messy divorce, and grandfather had come to get his revenge. This little girl lives with her grandmother, because he mom is in prison. Talk about perspective. Wow, my and my kids situation is not so bad after all. We're doing well. I didn't have a clue what to say to her except give her a hug and let her cry.
Trusting, thanks for the uplifting post.
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
You are only there if you want to be. You are being dealt some hard blows and it is normal at times to feel these things. You will come out of it because you are a warm wonderful person. Because you don't want your life to be defined by this miserable experience.
Hurting people hurt others, especially people who have deep unresolved issues. The deeper the issues, the more hurt they have to expel.
Is this mature, no way. They have not matured and have to go through many years of growing up. You did not cause this and you can't change this.
One of the most wonderful things someone said to me was, don't fight loving them, always love them. Just because you can't be with them, touch them, talk to them, see them, you can still love them. No one can ever take that away from you. Not even other woman.
Trusting...
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Hi Trusting, just popping by to apologise for my error. I missed the post above the one I replied to
Quote:
Your job sounds very rewarding.Are you a specialist nurse?
I see you you replied about what you did before I posted that question. You must be a very special person to deal with your job. As a matter of interest,given what you do for a living did that make it easier or harder to come to terms with your own problems with your marriage? Great advice about loving your children. I always told mine that I would always love them but sometimes I didn't always like what they did. Just recently my son said something about buying an item to me and he said it was a luxery item but he had saved all the money because he always remembered me saying " don't spend what you haven't yet got" He is now over 30 so it was nice to hear some of my words hit home!
It made it very frustrating. I'll tell you why. I know all the ways to make relationships better, i.e., techniques, exercises, behavior modifications, but nothing worked with the mid-lifer. I tried everything with my ex. In fact a lot of what I did made his behavior so much worse.
As far as coming to terms with the whole mid life crisis. The percentage of people who go through mid life do not go through this as intense as our spouses have. I have not dealt with too many clients that had it as bad as my ex. I had to look at bipolar, borderline personality disorder, mood disorders, narcisistic personality, etc... I wanted to place a label on my ex because that is what I do for a living. It is not that easy with mid lifers. They are kind of a jumble of everything. The worse of the worse. Traditional treatments do not work for the mid-lifer. Interventions are looked at as "control" by our spouses. Most of the Ml'ers don't want help until they crash, and even then some don't. So to answer your question, my experience and knowledge did not help one bit. Ml'ers are their own thing.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Thank you Trusting for your honest answer, it helps to know that as a mere wife that even the experts cannot fathom the MLC er mind. I know I drove my x away by my behaviour,(after he told me about the A) I did all the no no's because I did not find this site till nearly 1 1/2 years into it.
It is a mute point whether had I employed to the best of my ability all the DB techniques I could have helped save my marriage. Do you have a different approach to your work now because of your experience or are you able to keep wrk and home circumstances completely separate? sorry more questions. I think you do an amazing job of coping with your life btw. I think mine was one who never looked back, because it took every ounze of strength he had to leave.
Trusting - you are amazing! I have known since the first post of yours that I read... and as I just read again today -- AMAZING.
Your honesty - love it - always have!
I was like you too -- "what logical 1,2,3 plan can I "Do" to work this system so that x will come home?" well it has been 2 years -- almost 1 year divorced and he isn't very close to bottom... ok not close at all.
As with you I am learning that this part is truly about me. Forgiving, living, breathing and moving forward.... showing my kids and mySELF that I can and that htere is Hope for my future (like the Bible says.)
I also love what you said about loving...we just do. and you are right KNOWONE can take that from us..not even another woman. AND I knowing (As you have stated already) that EVERYONE has to face their "stuff" some day -- it is how you decide to deal that makes or breaks you.
you are an inspiration - so glad i can say you are my friend. cagzmom
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
Wow, Trusting - you have expressed so well the facets of LIFE that are the sustaining elements that can help us get through the relationship nightmares that we all share about here. I can truly see you writing an inspiring book one day...
You asked how I have been doing, and since I have not been keeping a thread going here, I can say that the challenges in my life have helped me begin to also view things similar to what you expressed.
My mother was diagnosed with lung cancer in June 08 and she had surgery to remove part of one lung, but she never got out of the hospital. Her cancer spread quickly and she died in August, during a tropical storm which had stalled over north Florida, causing rain and high winds for many days. We had gathered 14 family members and friends in her room, and we were singing her favorite songs to her. She passed while we were singing "Here comes the Sun". One hour later, after we all left the hospital, the storm passed too, and the sun came out for the sunset.
It's been a very difficult loss, However, during the time I was visiting her in the hospital, I started to feel a calling to help patients who might be close to passing. After I was laid off from my full-time job a few months ago, I completed volunteer training for hospice and have been visiting some nursing homes in my area. The love and care that I have shared from eye to eye, or heart to heart with individuals is beyond words.
I now believe that one thing that the Divorce Busting program should advocate more for GALing is reaching out to help others, because as you expressed so well in your previous post above, it really puts things in perspective.
My grandmother was, for many, many years, a LPN at Winter Haven hospital which overlooks Lake Martha. It is the hospital where my siblings and I all came into this world. It would be so wonderful if you ended caring for newborns and their families there!
Me 46 WAW 45 M 21 yrs
WAW: "I need to be alone" 12/06 W moves out 3/07 Mediation finalized 08/08
Naej, I do have a different approach to my work now. I am much more sympathetic to the single parent, the divorced mother/father, and anyone who experiences depression.
I had always thought that to get a great marriage all you have to do is work very hard on it. Sometime no matter what you do, you can't fix it. The whole aspect of not being in control of a situation was very new to me. It was only when I experienced the demise of my marriage and my mother's death did I finally understand my loss of control in this world and the amazing power of a God I needed to know better.
I started a program to better screen women with post-partum depression and developed a resource list for those effected. I educated myself and my staff better on the topic since we work so closely with women who have just given birth.
Depression is a killer, whether it is post-partum, bipolor, or mid life depression. It destroys families and the mind of the victim. We all know the pain.
Cagz, Thank You. You are a dear friend and I am amazed at how loyal you are to people on this board and how you continually give.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
I am sorry about your mother. I too lost my mother in August of 2008. August 19th to be exact. It is amazing what the human spirit can endure. To lose a spouse and a parent at the same time is so overwhelming. Even though, I am sorry you went through this, it is comforting to know that I was not alone in such a situation.
I agree with you about finding some thing to give back to. It sounds like you have found yours and I applaud you. Hospice work is very intense and difficult.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
