I told her that I was unhappy with the way things were stagnating and that the triangle was too comfortable for H and OW and told her my thoughts on moving home but not want to give up hope on M and jeopardizing all the work I had done in the last few months.
She suggested that I test out the waters and gave me the words to do it. I started off by asking him about his job interviews. He was very keen to talk about them as he is thinking of changing jobs because he feels unappreciated at his current firm. He is wondering if he should go for more interviews but think he has good chances at the position that he has already interviewed for. Then after I listened, I told him I was thinking of moving home, that I found a good school for the kids and I would like to put their names in and get them registered just in case we move back they have a place. H said that of course, he would like us to stay. He asked if we would be moving into the house we bought together or if we would sell it. I told him I would like to live there and thinking of maybe doing some work on it before moving in if the budget allows for me and the kids to live there.
His body language was interesting. He was fidgeting with his fingers. His face was unhappy and then he got quiet and didn't want to look me in the eyes. He then acted like the whole conversation never happened. And seemed ultra-nice to the kids. Maybe just his usual, sweeping negative emotions under the carpet, his defence mechanism.
I told my DB coach that I am the worst type of gambler, I hate to take chances. This is a huge risk for me as I don't know if he will want to pursue me and family or not. I am hoping that at least he won't get complacent and think that this nice setup he has, the cakeeating is going to last forever, all the niceties of a family but no emotional responsibilities to me.
I hope he an face his true feelings for me and the kids and see if his decisions has been worth it. I don't know. If I am lucky, then he might reconsider but don't know if he is still hot and heavy with A. Or if he does reconsider, he might not even speak up for a reconciliation because that would mean he had made some bad choices in the past and has to admit wrongdoing.
My approach was direct, non-emotional, non-threatening or demanding. Just, these are the thoughts in my head, I'd like to line the ducks up in a row in case and see how things fall.
I was SO nervous but I knew if I put it off any longer, then it would mean even more suffering on my part.
DB Coach said to watch him VERY Carefully and see how he acts.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
I know that you've been thinking and praying about your sitch for a long time. You're wise enough to know that however you proceed needs to be because it's best for you and your children - not to try to provoke a certain reaction from your H.
You've held on very strongly, considering that he's not given you much to work with on the hope front.
I hope that your new plan turns out in the way that's best for you and the kids.
Thanks so much Davidswife. To tell you the truth, trying to get a reaction from H IS one of the reasons I am doing this, amongst other very good reasons as well. If everyone in the triangle is happy with the way things are, then we can be in it forever. But I am not happy in this love triangle and I want to destabilize it. I am just telling my H something which he knew already and have felt from the very first is that if he cheats on me, I will leave him. But as yet, he has not suffered any consequences to his choices so now that our tempers have died down, I am letting him know in a kind gentle manner. The consequences are still the same, I feel the same way, it's your choice.
I told him as much tonight when HE suggested we talk about my moving away with kids. He wanted to know if this is my final decision or what. I told him that I am trying to plan for the time when we need to move, we can. I am trying to plan for our (the kids and my) future. I prefer to stay here and have kids stay here AS A FAMILY. But I will settle for second best (moving to be with my family) if I cannot have my first choice. I am just preparing for my future, the kids' future etc. I told him it's really his choice, not my choice. I said all this in a matter-of fact manner in a gentle tone. My DB coach said I can say anything as long as it is in a loving, gentle manner. I am so glad I was able to pull it off.
I did ask him if he thought we could be a family again. This is the first time I have asked him since August. I felt uncomfortable but was mentally prepared for the worst answer. His reply was that it was hard. I didn't argue with him. I kept telling myself, just listen, don't talk, don't talk. Don't argue with him. So I didn't. I kept SILENT. After a few moments of silence, he said, 'I need to think about it.'
So I guess it didn't go as bad as I prepared myself for. The convo went as well as it could have. What happened next was even more surprising.
He then really opened up to me and poured his heart out about the recent developments with his dad. Apparently their R is kaput. He was upset and crying. I felt so bad for him and I tried to tell him that he didn't deserve this. Then I said, "I know you don't need my advice but this is my take on the situation........" He listened, he really listened. I know he still feels the same feelings about me. He even mentioned our twenties together when we used to visit his dad. I know he is thinking about our early days. I know I am helping him to be a better man and be a happier man. Maybe he is processing the pros of our Marriage again. The rock that I was for him, the fact that I supported him, that I helped bridges for his relationships. I tried to show him my understanding of their relationship and that his father loved him and did not hate him but he shows it in a very misguided, unhealthy way that destroys relationships rather than build them in a healthy way. I was trying to tell him in a gentle way not to give up yet, just give his father time.
Then my H admited that because of his dad, that he has a very hard time with confrontation and he can only do it in bite-size chunks. I was thinking, no kidding, you avoid it at all costs so I don't know what you really think most of the time and think every thing is hunky dory when it's not.
We talked for over an hour. Just like old days. He talked about his work and his career choices and I told him that I think he was extremely good at his career and have nothing to worry about while other people need to scramble, he is very very fortunate. I gave compliments and boosted his ego but I really meant those words, he really is good at his job and he deserves my recognition of it. One of the things he said about the OW is that she thought he was smart. So I think he really wants RECOGNITION in his career so I want to be sure I gave him that. I also said he is behaving differently with the kids as well (in a good way). (He is definitely more engaged in these last two days since I told him about my thoughts on moving.)
All in all, I think he felt what I felt, the strength of our M at its best when he was having problems. I am his biggest cheerleader and emotional soundboard. I always have been, that has not changed. I think I gave him food for thought about permanently leaving me.
When he was leaving he said, 'Thanks for talking with me.' I replied, 'Anytime.' And he looked back at me. I really think that he thinks I hate him and want nothing to do with him. But I think after tonight, by my actions, he can see that is not the case. I have told him last May that I don't hate him, I love him. But emotions were running high so I don't know if he believed me. But now I think maybe he might be open to the truth, I do love him. I want to be his friend and I do not hate him. It's just that I cannot live here in the same city if we cannot be a family, that I cannot bear for him to be with another woman. That he is lying to kids.
But still it is up to him. But I played my hand, he needs to decide now. I am keeping my eyes and ears open and my mouth shut. To see if he continues to reach out to me. I am waiting for my fish to come to me. Wish me luck!
Last edited by PositivelyMommy; 04/12/0904:32 PM.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Wow PM! Great DBing! Your ability to keep your mouth shut is inspirational to me... I have some trouble in that dept.
I feel like I am in sort of the same place with my H. The A is over and he is mourning our R and I just try to be his friend, convince him that I do not hate him, and nor should he hate himself. Do you ever get bitter about it? I have a hard time being his crying shoulder, he talks about how much he misses me, and us and that the thought of us really being separate people makes him feel like when his best friend died. But if I say anything that might remotely hint at us reconciling he shuts down! "You know I care about you, but Im not sure..."
Good luck!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
You are so inspiring - and strong. If anybody has a shot at saving her M you sure do and I wish you all the luck in the world.
Quote:
I told him it's really his choice, not my choice. I said all this in a matter-of fact manner in a gentle tone. My DB coach said I can say anything as long as it is in a loving, gentle manner. I am so glad I was able to pull it off.
This is something I'm working on now as my H is starting to hit bottom. It's imperative that I stay the calm, controlled one as he begins his panic tactics.
I will stay tuned to your sitch. Hope you had a lovely Easter.
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
But if I say anything that might remotely hint at us reconciling he shuts down! "You know I care about you, but Im not sure..."
Good luck!
Br, I think he at some level enjoys your reassurances and hinting at reconciling. He knows you'll always be there for him. If you're not happy with this, you could stop the hints and reassuring him about his behaviors. I'm sure he already knows that you don't hate him, so keeping on with something that doesn't work, I think that's a cheeseless tunnel.
PM, you rock! You are such a great woman, anyone would be a complete fool to even consider leaving you. I've always felt your H will realize this!!! Karen
Hi PM,just catching up on board. Bravo -- your right it is a gamble but I hope you are holding 4 aces! You have waited patiently but sometimes it gets to a point where you start losing love for our WS and we can't get it back. You do not want that to happen. I think this is the right move you are making. I support you.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Bluerain, I wish I were in your shoes. My H is not over his A, he is still very much into it. It has been over a year and I just cannot wait years on end so that's why I told him about me moving and moving on. It is very good that your H is mourning for your R, at least he is looking on the bright side of things, the good times. Keep up the good work.
Karen, thanks for the kind words. I do think he enjoys the reassurances but also seems threatened by them at the same time. It's still early days after my 'bomb' so I will have to watch and see but I did not give any reassurances today.
Hope, I feel like I am the biggest gamble of my life and feel it's the highest of stakes. I am not a gambler by nature so it feels very unnatural and scary. I will always have love for my H but definitely losing respect for him for the way he is treating me so yes, it was time. Don't know if it IS the right move for me but I needed it take it. It was, in my mind, a fish or cut bait mentality. If you don't want to be with me then I need to know once and for all so I can move on. Otherwise, we can work on being a family again. This limboland just got old.
But I am so thankful for this site because this is what happened today. He acted as though we didn't even talk last night. Nothing. He didn't make eye contact as much as last night, didn't smile or anything. Seemed preoccupied when he was with kids, back to his zombie self. I know from other threads that WAS will backtrack after having an connection with their LBS so I was expecting it and didn't react to it or comment on it or anything. Just acted as if. If I were not on here, I would have forced my hand and asked him what the problem was and pursued, pursued til he ran away again. Anyways, I didn't say anything. Did our usual, tucked the kids in.
Then when he was leaving, I asked him to sign the registration forms for the kids' new school! I told him about looking at schools already but I wanted to make it real for him and for him to realize that this is going to happen. I am not a pushover anymore and it's no threat. It just is. He didn't say a word, he just signed the application forms and left without saying goodbye. I know he was angry, very angry. But I wasn't going to go all soft for him again just after one good conversation in which he revealed himself and back out of my future plans just because PERHAPS he still misses our R. I want him to stop us and come back to our family.
But I think I made my point, I didn't have to say it i.e. I am preparing a new life without you with the kids. It's your choice to have us stay and be a family or your choice to let us go. Here is the real proof I am serious and you really have to look within yourself to see what you really want.
I know he will have a lot to think about. I will bide my time. I feel like I've turned the tables. Now I am the prey, he can decide if he wants to catch the prey or not.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
I am working towards the move. Had H signed the application forms for the new school. Just sent an e-mail to kids' current teachers asking for references for kids (which is a requirement from new school). Doing this for our benefit of moving forward, not for provoking any reaction from H.
It's good for me because these are just small little steps towards a new life without H but it makes me feel more in control of my environment and I can envision our new life better. The new school is beautiful, a lot of green spaces and wonderful activities for the kids. They will be very happy there, I am sure.
Having a mental picture of our new life in my head makes letting go so much easier. I should have done this months ago but I wasn't really ready mentally. Now I am. I have not given up on my M but I know if I have to move, it will be to a good place with a very good life.
Even still, I might not give up on my M entirely. I know my H has not suffered loss. He has been cake-eating for the past year and so had not had to deal with any consequences. Maybe if we moved far away, it will really sink in what life is life without us. But by then, I will be in a good, nurturing place with my family. We will see how the cards fall. It ain't over til it's over, that's my motto.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
I should have done this months ago but I wasn't really ready mentally. Now I am. I have not given up on my M but I know if I have to move, it will be to a good place with a very good life.
I think that's true; I was just telling someone tonight I can't believe how dumb I acted when H was cheating, cooking his dinners and doing his laundry and all that. But it just takes some of us a while to get to the point where we can start imagining a positive future that may or may not include our WAS. And you know it gets easier and easier!!!
And the thing is if your H realizes by your moving that he's making a huge mistake that would be great; but you're setting your family up for a great life no matter what. Karen
