it is with a heavy heart I am here again - my return after almost 5 years. Having been through separation and recovery then, with the recovery being in great part to this board and the knowledge and support I received here, this is the first place I thought to turn as things seem to be badly off track again.
My old sitch is deep in the archives, hard to pull it all out, but long story short me 42 W36 D12 S15. Married almost 16 years. 5 years ago wife asked for sep, I had most likely been significant cause of WAW due to lack of attention, over-emphasizing work, withdrawn, uncommitted. Bomb dropped and few days later realized I was about to loose my W and M, and realized that was NOT at all what I wanted. Did all the wrong things, found DB after a few weeks, learned, struggled, tried through a very rough 4 month sep. In the end we came back together, happier then ever, went through a few personal challenges, seemed to survive, both of us very happy for the most part.
Fast Forward 5 years, A week ago noted W being more distant than normal, not open to attention/affection, rubbing me wrong way. After a week of this and comment made (essentially we cant have fun together) I had to confront her. Of course, I did all the wrong things - immediately fear and pain of previous sitch made me say stupid things, worst of which was, very angrily, "if you don't want to be with me get out of my house". Honestly this was my inner self-preservation instinct saying I cant go through this again, I would rather make a clean break and get over the pain. Of course I don't want her to leave, and almost immediately regretted saying that. I asked her what was wrong, she gave me lots of the same old things.. "I love you very much, but its not the same (ILYBNILWY)", "Its like we are just friends" "I want the man I fell in love with", "Maby we just need some time apart to find each other again". Luckily for me, they brought to my mind DB, and made me think hard - and realize that I have strayed from my plan of lifelong DB, putting W and M and my behavior ahead of other less important day to day problems.
There is one personal issue that she raised as a primary reason, I dont feel it is time to go into the details on it, but it is one thing we have never been able to see eye to eye on. I asked her point blank if that one thing would mean she could not be with me, and her only answer was "I don't know".
Now some of the hard things - as always, hindsight is 20/20, I now see the signs all over the place. W making comments about us drifting apart, her spending lots of time with some new friends, many nights we spent separately doing our own things. I can also look at myself and absolutely see where I have fallen off the DB wagon, fallen hard and far.
I am terrified. Though the years have passed the pain of our previous sitch still remains in my heart. To this day I have recurring nightmares of W leaving me, from which I wake completely out of breath and feeling like dying. Lots of W's attitude is very seperated, dosnt really seem to want to discuss (remember lesson one, no R talk!). W caught me crying and said "dont cry, I cant handle that right now" (lesson 2, PMA, and lesson 3 show strength not weakness - noone wants a whining fool). Already my first day at work after the semi-bomb, and I cannot concentrate. Terrified about how tonight will go - it could go well, could go bad. W may be distant, may want to go out with friends - my instincts are going to be to cling and really make her mad.
Terrified because I know all about WAWs - anything we do instantly to try to be better is taken with "why now, why only when I am past my last straw do you care", and of course all I want to do is work on being better.
SO, how do I fight the terror, try to get on track. I think I will start with 3 lists: What not to do, What to do, and Positives (lesson 4, focus on the positives)
What not to do: - Beg & Whine - Initiate R talk - get defensive if W initiates R talk - too much too soon (dont send W 2 dozen roses with uber mushy love note)
What to do: - Take care of myself - Make sure changes are about me, not R - Pay attention to W - Listen if she talks - If appropriate, be affectionate - Don't be afraid to be affectionate - Don't crowd W - If W distant, spend time with D&S - Dont allow myself to "react". Think everything through.
Positives: - W and I still under same roof - W still showing some affection - W still using pet terms "baby, hon" - W not shying away from me being close - No more talk of Sep since bomb day - W brought up possible upcoming date opportunity post bomb - I have been here before and know about DB.
The last positive is tough - because I know if I had just seen the signs sooner, I could have averted disaster, and I know that it is very likely further along than I want to think. However, last time by the time I found DB we were sep, things were very bad, D had been discussed many times, and I had made lots of mistakes. My greatest reason for hope is that I know that a relationship can be far over the brink and still return, and this time I am armed with DB and the skills I built before at the beginning. I must remind myself every moment, this is for the long haul, it is not a sprint. Remind myself of my own mantra, developed when I learned to DB the first time: Love, confidence, trust, and patience.
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