Hey Song. Thanks for the Birthday wish. I was just catching up on your sit.
It hurts. It is painful. It may not work out like you want it to. But it will work out.
I think you should put it away. What I mean is that until your wife hands you the papers, act like she's not going to. She still can't bring herself to cross that line. She's tired because she thinks about you all the time. She wants to stop being tired. She equates that with stopping the marriage.
Your mission: stop being associated with the tiredness she feels. Take that pressure off. Divorce won't do that. You have to find the way to do that. I think you have already started down that path. But you have to give her the room to make that decision. And you have to be able to live with it. Trust her. Even if that's the last thing you want to do. It'll start the trust and from there you can build friendship with her.
She may make the mistake of the divorce. She might Song. It'll hurt. But it won't be the end of you. It won't be the end of the story either. She's not done, but she's tired and can't think of a different way to solve the problem.
She has to be the one to pull that trigger though. Your kids need to know it wasn't you. She needs to face that decision as well.
Hang in there Song. GAL.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thanks for your words of support volleydog, PMA, FitChik and AJ,
It helps so much to get perspective from others who are facing similar heartache, and this forum is really the only place that I can share my fears and frustrations.
I do talk to my mom a few times a week, and she gives me the unconditional love and support that only a mom can give, but she and my dad have been married for more than 50 years, so she can't empathize the same way you all can.
Quote:
What I mean is that until your wife hands you the papers, act like she's not going to. She still can't bring herself to cross that line.
That is a good point AJ, she may be waiting for me to give in, or she may be worried about how it will affect the kids, but unless/until it happens, it's just more of her digging her heels in and saying "I'm not going to change my mind".
And my not giving in or doing anything to address or move along the process is my way of saying "I'm not going to change my mind either". I'll just have to wait and see. Time and space. Smile and wave boys.
Thanks again to all for your encouragement and support.
Last week when I dropped off S12's birthday present, W brought up R in a quick conversation - here's the highlights:
Originally Posted By: song
w - "I'm just tired of being in Limbo, aren't you tired of this?" me - "yeah, of course I am. I'm ready to move home and work on things whenever you're ready" w - "That's not what I mean. I'm ready to move on. This is very hard on me, and it's very hard on the kids." me - Yes, it's hard on all of us, but we obviously don't see the same solutions to the issues, so we're still at an impasse. w - "well, I just can't live like this indefinitely." me - "I understand that."
What I didn't mention at the time was that she also said that S12 counselor had requested to meet with each of us individually, she met with him last week, and set up for me to meet with him today. Of course, I didn't think the two were interconnected until I met with S12's counselor today.
He started out asking me how things were going with S12, how things were in general in the household, explained that "Family Therapy" looks at the whole family and not just the IP (identified patient, i.e.S12), and got me into talking about W & my R. He asked a lot of leading questions, and I stated where I stood on fighting for the marriage, and how W wasn't willing to work at it or even address it.
He picked up on when I said "we're kind of in Limbo now", and used that as a platform to discuss how kids need structure, they need stability, and what they are going through right now with mom & dad unsure of what's going to happen being the worst possible thing for them... he said that any decision was better than no decision and the longer we dragged this out, the more damage we would be doing to the kids.
Of course, this got my feathers riled, and I explained that I will not give up on my M, I am standing for the restoration of my M, I want my kids to know that dad never gave up on the family and worked as hard as possible to keep us all together. I also told him that I believe that our R can be rebuilt, we don't have "irreconcilable differences" as far as I can tell, and I am now giving W the time and space that she asked for, and I never gave her at the beginning of the S.
As the meeting progressed, we agreed to disagree, him believing that for the sake of the kids we should come to some resolution sooner than later, and me stating that I will do nothing to move our M towards D, I will do everything I can to help restore our M, and the only resolution I feel is appropriate at this time would be for us to agree to work on the M. Until W gets to that point I will give her time and space, and I will do my best to be the best father to my kids as I can.
He asked me if I thought it was fair for the kids to be put through this time of instability and indecision. I said no, it's not fair for them to have to go through any of this, and I think the worst thing for them would be to come from a home where their parents divorced because one gave up and the other gave in without trying to keep the family together. He asked "how long do you think it is fair for you to put them through this type of limbo?". I said I'm not putting a time limit on it, it could take weeks or months, or even years, but I am not giving up. He kind of shook his head and said "this is hard, really hard for all of you, but you really need to think of what is best for your kids, and I really believe that they need stability more than anything."
I said "I don't see how breaking up the family, kicking dad to the curb, forcing the kids to grow up in a single parent household is providing stability", to which he said "It does, it gives them a sense of finality rather than always wondering whether Mom & dad will get back together". I said "You can't say that. I've read that kids of divorce greatest wish is that their parents get back together, even ten or twenty years later", he said "true, but it would still give them a sense of stability and finality now." I said "I just can't give up on my family or my M. I don't want to stick the kids with the belief that when things get difficult, you run away and don't deal with them. I want them to know that marriage vows are sacred, I agreed to love their mother unconditionally, and I didn't run away from my problems." We ended the session with him saying that he understood my position, he felt it was a lousy situation all around, and that I should really think about what is best for the kids, which he feels is resolution.
So, I'm now feeling like a totally rotten father, putting my own needs ahead of my kids, and fighting for a marriage that is doing more harm than good.
Please help me. I really feel like another bomb has dropped, I don't know what to do or to think, this really has me so confused and upset. Thank you for your support.
Did I miss something? Are you some how keeping your W from filing D? If she wants to do it then she gets a lawyer n goes to court and does it. The judge will first have a parenting agreement decided by both you and your attorneys. They are more concerned about the childrens welfare then yours. So go to co-parenting mediation and work out an agreement for the kids sake then sit on the other stuff if that's what you believe and stand for.
No, I haven't done anything to stop her. I just think she's been on the fence and undecided, and this counselor is pushing towards resolution, which I think is going to push her to the Lawyer's office. I'm trying to give it time, he's saying "get on with it, move on..." I need someone in my corner...
Don't let anybody push you into doing something that you don't want to do. Sometimes people, because they want a quick resolution, wind up doing something that they don't really want to do...all because they don't want to be in 'limbo' anymore. They want 'something' to happen, anything, as long as it's 'something'. Even if that 'something' is not what they really want. Stand for your principles, even in the face of great adversity. I agree with your views, incidentally.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
No, I haven't done anything to stop her. I just think she's been on the fence and undecided, and this counselor is pushing towards resolution, which I think is going to push her to the Lawyer's office. I'm trying to give it time, he's saying "get on with it, move on..." I need someone in my corner...
Exactly my point. If she wants it she can go get it. You are not controlling her. You have set your boundaries and are sticking to them. That means you have integrity. Good on u Mate! Keep on standing strong. She is confused and doesnt know what she wants so dont believe any words just some of her actions.
You go man! I think this guy needs to get his nose out of your family's business. Nothing is better for the kids than a mom and a dad. I wouldn't feel bad one bit. What's better: several months in limbo followed by mom and dad back together, or a quick divorce and mom and dad never back together?
Me: 39 Wife: 41 Boys: 8 & 5 WAW: 02/11/2009 She Filed For D: 03/26/2009 - Yeah it was that quick!
song...the theory that your counselor giving you...is TRUE...BUT...he has no right to tell you to file. Dragging this out IS the worst thing for the kids. The continued tension and pain ISN'T healthy for them. But....this is your W's decision to be where she is NOT YOURS.
The decision to file is an individual one. No one forced me to do it and, no one can force YOU to do it. If your W is vulnerable to the recommendations of others with regards to love and marriage, well.......
N.U.T.S will tell you that "no one should deter you away from making the best decisions for your children to keep them safe". So, stay with your intuition. One thing is true tho'...you will KNOW when it is time to file, if, that time occurs.
Personally tho', based on what is going on, I still think you should let go and stop pressuring her and making comments like above. She knows what you told. She heard it. She doesn't want a cling on. She needs to see someone strong. 'Open the cage door'.
Stay strong.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
