Hi Coach, Dudess and RTL, I posted a few days ago, and it's taken me longer than expected to get back.
Coach - nice to "see" you. Staying detached from B's turbulence has helped me a lot - though I can't say that I'm always as successful at it as I would like to be. Last Friday, as shew as picking up my S2 to go visit her parents for the weekend - she just had this strange presence about her - as though I should just do anything to accommodate her - and it upset me more than I wanted it to...Let me explain, I was at the top of the stairs holding my son, she was down on the street rummaging through her trunk - and supposedly in a hurry. Eventually, she looked up and said, "well, bring him down." To which I said, "I'm not going to bring him down to you, come up and get him." It was cold of me - I know - but I also know that she was trying to control me yet again - and it's become increasingly obvious to me that any kindness on my part will be taken advantage of by her...without fail...and so I prefer to offer only my indifference instead.
As for writing...yes, I am writing - mostly screenplays these days, but still working every now and then on a novel.
I hope you had a wonderful trip - do let me know if you ever find yourself in southern CA.
Dudess - the grief certainly seems to come in waves and stages. It was augmented a bit today as I was preparing to do some Easter things with my boys. It was strange and sad over the weekend to be at a friend's house - surrounded by his family and his friend's with children - and to know that only half of my family was there with me - that my baby boy was far away visiting his mother's family.
Sometimes I wonder if B is still in pain - or if she's just accepted herself as who she is now - angry and bitter toward so many people - but I don't spend much time thinking about what she's doing...there's so little to be gained from it, and so much time and energy to be wasted.
I've been thinking that some sort of ritual might be a very good idea - even if it's just of my own making.
RTL - sad and angry...odd how often those two emotions can mingle. As much as I work toward accepting my life and doing my best with my situation - it does exhaust me at times to deal over and over with new repercussions of her inability to work on herself. I'm also finding that I still have much work to do in terms of improving myself - and being more of the man I aspire to be - for myself and for my children.
I have my oldest son home with me this week. It's his Spring break, and normally we would be traveling right now - but this time we're staying home and spending it together as best we can. He broke a finger at school this week, so I'll have to shelve the plans I had to take him camping for a couple days - instead I may take the boys down to the Aquarium on Wednesday.
Easter is such a family-oriented holiday...so much about the happiness of children - and hearing their laughter...not hearing my baby boy's laughter yesterday cut deep into me...but we'll be picking him up early from school today...and then the boys will get to hunt around the apartment for the loot I've tucked away in various corners and cabinets...nothing like loads of chocolate, gummy bears and toys to make two great boys happy...and then a bit nutty...
