Last week when I dropped off S12's birthday present, W brought up R in a quick conversation - here's the highlights:
Originally Posted By: song
w - "I'm just tired of being in Limbo, aren't you tired of this?" me - "yeah, of course I am. I'm ready to move home and work on things whenever you're ready" w - "That's not what I mean. I'm ready to move on. This is very hard on me, and it's very hard on the kids." me - Yes, it's hard on all of us, but we obviously don't see the same solutions to the issues, so we're still at an impasse. w - "well, I just can't live like this indefinitely." me - "I understand that."
What I didn't mention at the time was that she also said that S12 counselor had requested to meet with each of us individually, she met with him last week, and set up for me to meet with him today. Of course, I didn't think the two were interconnected until I met with S12's counselor today.
He started out asking me how things were going with S12, how things were in general in the household, explained that "Family Therapy" looks at the whole family and not just the IP (identified patient, i.e.S12), and got me into talking about W & my R. He asked a lot of leading questions, and I stated where I stood on fighting for the marriage, and how W wasn't willing to work at it or even address it.
He picked up on when I said "we're kind of in Limbo now", and used that as a platform to discuss how kids need structure, they need stability, and what they are going through right now with mom & dad unsure of what's going to happen being the worst possible thing for them... he said that any decision was better than no decision and the longer we dragged this out, the more damage we would be doing to the kids.
Of course, this got my feathers riled, and I explained that I will not give up on my M, I am standing for the restoration of my M, I want my kids to know that dad never gave up on the family and worked as hard as possible to keep us all together. I also told him that I believe that our R can be rebuilt, we don't have "irreconcilable differences" as far as I can tell, and I am now giving W the time and space that she asked for, and I never gave her at the beginning of the S.
As the meeting progressed, we agreed to disagree, him believing that for the sake of the kids we should come to some resolution sooner than later, and me stating that I will do nothing to move our M towards D, I will do everything I can to help restore our M, and the only resolution I feel is appropriate at this time would be for us to agree to work on the M. Until W gets to that point I will give her time and space, and I will do my best to be the best father to my kids as I can.
He asked me if I thought it was fair for the kids to be put through this time of instability and indecision. I said no, it's not fair for them to have to go through any of this, and I think the worst thing for them would be to come from a home where their parents divorced because one gave up and the other gave in without trying to keep the family together. He asked "how long do you think it is fair for you to put them through this type of limbo?". I said I'm not putting a time limit on it, it could take weeks or months, or even years, but I am not giving up. He kind of shook his head and said "this is hard, really hard for all of you, but you really need to think of what is best for your kids, and I really believe that they need stability more than anything."
I said "I don't see how breaking up the family, kicking dad to the curb, forcing the kids to grow up in a single parent household is providing stability", to which he said "It does, it gives them a sense of finality rather than always wondering whether Mom & dad will get back together". I said "You can't say that. I've read that kids of divorce greatest wish is that their parents get back together, even ten or twenty years later", he said "true, but it would still give them a sense of stability and finality now." I said "I just can't give up on my family or my M. I don't want to stick the kids with the belief that when things get difficult, you run away and don't deal with them. I want them to know that marriage vows are sacred, I agreed to love their mother unconditionally, and I didn't run away from my problems." We ended the session with him saying that he understood my position, he felt it was a lousy situation all around, and that I should really think about what is best for the kids, which he feels is resolution.
So, I'm now feeling like a totally rotten father, putting my own needs ahead of my kids, and fighting for a marriage that is doing more harm than good.
Please help me. I really feel like another bomb has dropped, I don't know what to do or to think, this really has me so confused and upset. Thank you for your support.
