The Bumpy Road to Recovery #2

[Bagheera]

So, now I am wondering. Is "making it right", whether consciously or subconsciously, in your adult life OK on some level? Or, is it a part of you that you have to "let go" of and strive to not let it make a bit of difference as a grown up (sort of like having the part of your brain that houses the experience and associated trauma removed)?

Yes to each, in a sense. What my wife and I are in the process of doing is -reconditioning- what are very primal, ingrained, flight-fight responses within our subconscious selves. Part of that reconditioning, or healing, is to actually have repeated SUCCESS, with another person that you love and trust, in the area that caused so much trama as a child. At the same time, we both have to personally reduce the continued subconscious focus (on 'pinging') on the over-sensitized aspect of our personality -- to reduce the 'inflamation,' as it were. Let me use the Riso-Hudson Enneagrams for my wife and myself to demonstrate (we've not been formally tested for our Types, but I think this is accurate):

My basic type is Type 3: The Achiever, with a Basic Desire: to be admired ("accepted" works here too), and Basic Fear: of being rejected. Rejection was the common theme of my childhood, so my type is not surprising.

My wife's basic type is Type 6: The Questioner, with a Basic Desire: to be secure, and Basic Fear: of being abandoned. Abandonment was the common theme of her childhood, so again, her type is not surprising.

So what each of us has to do for each other is to give our partner the thing that we each subconsciously yearn for the most: in my case, acceptance / admiration; and in her case, security. What each of us has to also do for ourselves is to recognize and work to reduce the influence of our basic fear in our lives: in my case, fear of rejection, and her her case, fear of abandonment.

The hard part, for us and the therapist, is the fact that we have over 20 years of personal relationship history which reenforced each of our basic fears with each other. I have over 20 years of various rejections -- refusals of emotional and / or physical intimacy -- to overcome and rebuild trust around. My wife has over 20 years of various abandonments -- from my going out to sea, disappearing into the 'man-cave' for months at a time, or completely absorbing myself in work/school -- to overcome and rebuild trust around. Starting with 'fresh' relationships would almost be easier....

But not nearly as fulfilling. We're on the road, and slogging along again.

-- B.