waw after 13 years

[sandi2]

It may be too late to use at this moment in the R, but you can tuck it under you cap for the future. Every woman needs communication with her H. I talked my heart out for years and years and my H acted as if he did not have a tongue. Do you know what my OM said to me once? He said, "I can't believe any man would let you slip through his fingers". That meant a lot to me b/c that is exactly how I felt my H had treated me......as if he did not care enough to try to communicate with me and give something of himself to the R.

So, when things get into pieceing for you all, remember how serious this is to women and that there will always be some silver tongued man out there that knows just what to say to her to meet her emotional needs. She will think she has finally found a man that "understands" her. But you know what? It was the OM that I really wanted to understand me......it was my H that I wanted all along. But when he told me that he had done nothing wrong.....you cannot believe how badly that hurt.

As I said, this is just FYI for the future to have so you won't make the same mistake.

Take care,
Sandi

[robx]

thank you making it
things have turned on there head, she hinted that maybe we could live seperate and see how it goes, she didnt atually say it but i got that feeling,i didnt want to pressure her into to much. but she did say she dosent think she could live back here, she feels it would do more bad than good, so my feeling is she is thinking of a new place and maybe a new start, itold her i dont want to pressure her into any decisions and i wanted her to make her decision for her, not for me, and not for the kids just her,

my emotions are all over the place, cant believe i was so blind,
so wrapped up in my own little world and i never give a seconds thought of the damage i was causing, i fear i have took to much from her, dont know if it can be fixed, i sure hope to god it can, im so so sorry for all the pain i have caused, i will follow my heart and just pray to god the outcome is in my favour, but whatever happens i just want her to be happy, my heart bleeds for her, i do know 1 thing though i have to forgive myself for my actions otherwise things will never change for me, i have a counseling session booked. so see how that goes,
speak soon guys, im going to see if i can find any threads with my situation,

Beno, believe it or not you are making great progress.

Just remember this, it is very typical for the LBS (left behind spouse) to feel & assume 100% of the guilt and think that they caused all the problems in the relationship.

There is a dual responsibility in your marriage, there are 2 of you. You are both responsible for it. You are both responsible for communicating honestly to each other not just when times are good but more importantly when times aren't good. If she isn't happy and hasn't been for some time, instead of dropping subtle cues, clues and hints she could have just come out and said "Beno, I'm not happy, I'm not happy because I'm not getting this, that and the other. I'm not happy because you don't do this, that and this and it makes feel unheard, unappreciated, unloved, etc. and if you don't do these things I will be forced to leave you" When she chose to keep those problems to herself and kept a mental scorecard of all your faults and just assumed you were a mind reader (men aren't, we are clueless and better yet when a wife stops complaining, we think things are getting better but it's actually the opposite), she was making another mistake - she wasn't honest, she kept score of everything you've done and never gave you a chance to do better by honestly letting you know she was unhappy enough to leave. It's not that you are capable of doing better, we all are capable, we have to be honest with each other and our partners and allow them that chance. If we just love our partners when times are good, that's conditional love and pretty crappy love at that. A great relationship should be about personal growth, mutual growth, mutual gifting and making each other better for both of your benefits.

So yes, you messed up, we all do - that's what makes us human, we fail. But we are engines of adaptation, given the chance, we can overcome our failures and perservere despite them. I wouldn't call the person who keeps falling down after getting up again a failure, I would call a person who falls down and doesn't want to get up again a failure.

Be a strong wall for yourself and for your wife (remember the wall analogy), another good analogy is the squirrel analogy (another "spellfire" original - thanks mike), when the squirrel becomes more comfortable and not afraid of you, it will come closer, maybe even close enough for you to feed it. At first it will be cautious and run away many times before it gets really close but if you make the environment comfortable enough and safe enough, it may come back repeatedly. If you wife does talk to you from time to time, listen to her, validate what she says, apologize if there were some grievous errors on your part, listen to what she says, you can't fix anything in one conversation and truth be told no one really knows how much can be fixed but you won't know without trying. If she is open to the marriage counselling do it, even if it's just for yourself.

Admitting to her that you never really understood her before and what she was going through when she was unhappy and thinking about leaving you may give her a bit of an understanding of how clueless you really were with her and again don't be hard on yourself, men in general don't go a good job of reading their wive's minds.

Don't supplicate, still remain a strong man, no anger remember, don't buy her gifts because that comes across as manipulation and buying her love which is a turn off. This might be a point where you guys can build a friendship and really start to talk & listen to each other.

Again don't go into any of this with the guarantee that the marriage will be saved, it puts alot of pressure on you & your wife when things don't go swimmingly and invites arguments and hurt feelings.

Good Luck bro, I'm rooting for ya!
You too MakingIT!
Hope you all had a good easter.

... And Sandi, I love hearing from you, you have more wisdom than any of us and you offer the point of view that we don't have, you're a great lady and I hope life is treating you well, keep posting, love reading your thoughts on all of this.

[beno]

thank you sandi,
i have acknowledged all the things i did and said, i also told her how it must of made her feel, and how i hate myself for doing it, i told her she must of felt so unloved and used by me, and how i cant believe i let that happen to the most loving, caring, and a so wonderful person like her, she thanked me while heartbroken at the fact i had finally realised, and she was exstremly grateful,
she said i knocked her down to far and she couldnt get back up, so she had to leave,
i told her how much i respected her decision and how hard that must of been for her, told her she had more guts and determination than anybody i know,
so how do i handle the situation now? please keep posting sandi

rob thanks buddy for your wisdom again and i second your thought on sandi, she is a gem.
she did say she is to blame also, she said she could of sat me down and screamed at me and said wake up, cant you see what your doing, she hates arguing, so she said she would try to hide it hoping it would go away. she did say i tried to tell you, and that she could of done more to help, she said she dosent want me to take all the blame but most of it, then she laughed, lol. she has a wicked sense of humour,

she is also delighted im doing something about it, ie counseling.
but she has said she is enjoying being on her own at the moment and does not want a relationship with anyone, she said she dosent have to make decisions for other peoples sake and that feels, good beacuse she can do things she wants to do,
she did also say that she wanted to reasure me that whatever happens no man will enter her life and dictate anything to her regarding our relationship, if ever there is a man, beacuse i just want to be alone,

since the break up we have never argued once and thats got to be good,so rob giveme yourinput on were i go from here, what to do and stuff, thanks guys check back later

[PortlandDad]

she did also say that she wanted to reasure me that whatever happens no man will enter her life and dictate anything to her regarding our relationship, if ever there is a man, beacuse i just want to be alone,

This is Script, so don't believe a single word of it.

[beno]

a script?
i know my wife and i could see it in her eyes, she meant every word of it, she wants to be in my life she said, she also said she loves the person i am and my peronality, i make her laugh and understand her,
and she wishes she could tell me thats she loves me and wants me but she cant beacuse she dosent know what she wants, only thing she is certain of is that she wants to be on her own to enjoy life without asking or telling people what she can and cant do,

this is really difficult for my wife and i have shown her i understand, ive also listened to everything she has said very carefully, and i know she is hurting so much at the pain this is causing, this was the last resort for her, and believe me the last person she would want to hurt is me,

bumped into an old school friend before and she was shocked at the news of us breaking up, she said i didnt realise until i seen she was regestered has being SINGLE on facebook, (ouch) that hurt so bad, why did it hurt so bad? i mean we are married but i suppose we are single, it just knocked me for six,

just unsure what to do now, thanks guys

[beno]

i also want to ask your opinion on how i go about things now, do i still have limited contact? i think this will harm the situation.
do i support her if she calls and needs somone to talk to? again i think i would be better if i did support her?
she will desprate for some new furniture for her new place, again i think this will help my cause,

i do understand no peronal gifts should be bought, but i think by helping her a little for the house, that it will give me brownie points, beacuse she wont see it as a gift, she will see it has me helping her and the kids to buid a home up, she does text me and puts a kiss on the end so i feel i should respond back with a kiss at the end of my reply, beacuse if start to be a little mean or cold she will think i dont give a sh*t,
beacuse of my ignorance in this i feel by being ignorant now it will only bolster her thoughts and reasons for leaving me,

[Making_IT]

beno,
I feel for you man. You are struggling with the same thoughts, feelings and ideas that I do on a regular basis. I know your heart aches to have her back.

I am feeling much stronger today than I did this past weekend. My take on the advice that we have received on this forum will be that you should be there for her in a strong way. Don't be rude, mean or spiteful. Listen to what she has to say, acknowledge her and focus on permanently making changes in your life to make you feel complete with or without her. This type of focusing on improving your life is NOT what got you in this postion. On the otherhand, you don't want to reinforce (buy furniture, help financially, etc...) that it is better and more fun to live a life away from you. I know that you understand her reasoning leaving, but at the end of the day you are married and it is not ok to move out like this with no plans to focus and improve the marriage. This form of separation is not healthy for any marriage. This is what I have to keep reminding myself of.

Be cautious and don't lay all of your cards face up right now. There are some positive signs for you right now and that is great. Also protect yourself, you can't focus on improving yourself while you are riding the highs and lows of this separation.

I hope you understand what I am trying to say. I just don't want you to go all in when she is the one with the Aces right now.

Good luck bud!

[beno]

thank you buddy
i know your so right on everything, i am trying to focus on me,
i woke this morning to a nice feeling, normally i feel awful, and a plus for me is i only woke once through the night,
i suppose its one day at a time, trouble is i look to far ahead, instead of thinking about today i look at the future, like what abut my daughters first day in high school, thats like 5 months away, christmas is on my mind, speak soon guys off to work i go

[robx]

a script?
i know my wife and i could see it in her eyes, she meant every word of it, she wants to be in my life she said, she also said she loves the person i am and my peronality, i make her laugh and understand her,
and she wishes she could tell me thats she loves me and wants me but she cant beacuse she dosent know what she wants, only thing she is certain of is that she wants to be on her own to enjoy life without asking or telling people what she can and cant do,

this is really difficult for my wife and i have shown her i understand, ive also listened to everything she has said very carefully, and i know she is hurting so much at the pain this is causing, this was the last resort for her, and believe me the last person she would want to hurt is me,

bumped into an old school friend before and she was shocked at the news of us breaking up, she said i didnt realise until i seen she was regestered has being SINGLE on facebook, (ouch) that hurt so bad, why did it hurt so bad? i mean we are married but i suppose we are single, it just knocked me for six,

just unsure what to do now, thanks guys

that would have thrown me for a loop as well.

She has told you that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you or anyone else but going on facebook and telling the "world" that she is single tends to throw up red flags about other intentions.

I know you love her bro, really I do. We wouldn't be on these forums if we didn't really love our spouses, we wouldn't care at all.

Saying that she is single is her advertising that she is, she is putting the idea out there to everyone who can view her profile that she is single, what would be the intention behind that? Why the need to quickly put that out there?

Limiting your contact is part of what you need to do.
Don't be the one to initiate contact, if she wants to contact you, let her and you can definitely respond back.

You need to appear happy, as if this is a weight off your shoulders and that this presents new freedom to you. Women who leave their husbands use their husbands for emotional healing, while you are at home feeling sad about the situation, weak, broken, etc. She knows this and it really pumps up her self-esteem because the thought that registers in her head is wow, look who important I am to him, I feel pretty good about myself, I feel very secure now and if I want him back, I can take him back any second and he'll just jump at the chance (because you being sad, weak, grovelling for affection, etc. shows that you have low self-esteem)

You need to start going out more with friends, you need to start getting a life. You need to get to the gym regularly, pump some iron, clean up the diet and change your self-perception. Not only will it make you feel better, your self-esteem will improve, pumping some heavy iron will also increase testosterone production, you'll feel stronger, more assertive, more aggressive, more masculine and that will also help your mindset during this process.

You need to clean up a bit, change the way you look, take this time off from your wife to rediscover your individuality. Get a new haircut, new hairstyle, buy yourself some new smart casual clothes that you can wear when you're just walking around town and hooking up with friends but make sure they look & feel different from the style that you usually wear. Yes this means stepping outside of yourself and being a bit uncomfortable but once you do this a few times, it gets better & much easier.

Start tanning, 10 min. every other day if possible, the extra UV exposure acts as an anti-depressant (it really does), it feels good to bake under the lights for a few minutes, darker skin color will make you look good, make your eyes stand out more, make you look & feel more attractive - don't question this one, just go do it and tell me what you think after a few weeks.

All of this plus changing your regular routines & behaviors (180's) will make you look, feel and be more attractive. That's what your goal is for you to feel better about yourself.

Your wife will notice, and this is a fringe benefit. She will notice that you're not sitting at home crying, sulking and being miserable. She will notice that you look & feel great. She will notice that you aren't waiting for life to improve, you are improving your life. She will also have conflicting thoughts in her head. She left you for many reasons, some of them she has told you, some she hasn't. You see women are largely attracted to men by their behaviors. You start behaving in ways that aren't attractive, they get turned off, their perception of your personal value drops lower, they question why they're with someone like you who just seems to be coasting or getting worse when life is short and they can be with someone of greater value, it's a subconscious thing for sure, don't take it personally but you must take responsibility for it now that you know that this is part of the problem. Act in an attractive manner: confident, happy, secure, masculine and you will be attractive to her. She lost her attraction for you and she has this baseline assumption that based on the things you've done that you aren't very attractive to her anymore, this is her belief and this belief gives her the reason to leave you and be single. Once you start doing some real changing, it throws her reasoning for a loop, if you are attractive, if you are happy, you look great, act great, are taking life by the horns and just living a really great life, she starts to question other things that she has rationalized concerning you and then she starts to wonder if maybe she was wrong about other things.

I hope some of this is making sense, let me know if you have any questions.

I tend to agree with PortlandDad, alot of what she is "script", those words & statements she used tend to get used alot to the point where they seem rehearsed.

[AJM]

Robx speaks much wisdom.

Learn to be her friend and to talk with her. She needs that.

AJ