Mother's Day Disaster

[naej]

we'll, we are all in good company...ourselves! lol

Well it must have been so good that I get to do it all again tomorrow Easter Monday.

Enjoy it or at least be content with it. It will not always be this way-I hope.
Counting blessings...

[TRUSTING]

ACJ,

I am so angry at your H for putting you through this. He is trying very hard to push your buttons. That is what they do.
I would like to slap him silly. OW than would be next.

How are your migraines? He wants a explosive reaction from you. They enjoy this....

[BeingMe]

I agree with TRUSTING! In the great scheme of things, when all is said and done, and the last breath is sighed, I hope you have found a way to totally get everything you can from him, then move on and away and find someone real. But, your greatest (and possibly, only) gift you ever received from your H are your children ... just be their mother and do not concern yourself any longer with their father and his relationship with them.

[ACJ]

Thanks for all your replies. Today is no different but I am in a better frame of mind today so hopefully will get some study done. Everything has to be done by 29th April so there isn't much time but thankfully I've nearly finished one lot and am a third through the way of the other. I've got all week off, originally booked to spend time with D13 but she is with H this week, so i just get most of it done.

It's my birthday tomorrow so we will see what that brings.

Before Christmas and before I moved jobs we had a team building faciilitator in as things were so bad in our team. She identified for me (by using psychometric testing) that I have a lot of needs in terms of people telling me how well I am doing etc. The main problem in that job was that no-one ever told me. She told me that in any R it was up to me to tell people what I wanted out of the R (be it work or personal). So given how bad my current R is with my children perhaps it is time to tell them what I want from them instead of leaving it up to chance. At work it was not a problem telling them but at home that feels a little bit scary. I know what I want/need from my children and that is to be treated with respect and to be made to feel special I am their mother after all. BUT I'm not quite sure how that would go down. Part of me thinks that this will just push them further away and I can't afford for that to happen I'm emotionally at rock bottom already. So I guess I thought I would see what others think.

Trusting
I am ignoring H. Everything is being dealt with by my L. She thinks that the situation between H and his L is getting untenable. She thinks H will either end up sacking the L or the L will end up refusing to represent him. She is positive that is why Hs L is avoiding calling her direct when she asks him to. I've done all the negotiating I'm going to do. I have no more to give. I'm 99% certain that this will end in a very costly court case but it won't have been for want of trying to keep it away from the courts. H is just waaaaaaaaaaay to greedy for words.

BM
As for moving on I've now reached a stage where that is exactly what I want to do BUT I know my children would not come with me and that leaves me with a heavy heart and a very difficult decision to make.

just be their mother

That's all I want to do but they won't let me. Just this morning D18 told me that when she rang D13 at Hs she could hear H shouting at S16 in the background to get up and do the washing up. I made some comment about how even though I am obviously more relaxed on chores than H seems to be (and ever was) that for some reason both S16 and D13 prefer to be with H. D18 said it was b/c Hs house is a 'happier house'. My reply to that was that when they are here they go out of their way to make it an unhappy house by the way they treat me and act. Whenever she is here D13 spends the whole time in her bedroom and refuses to interact with me in any way. She can't do that at H's b/c she is currently sleeping on the sofa. They all know how I hate spending time alone and so they know they can create an atmoshpere this way and then use it as an excuse to spend more time with H. I feel punished by my own kids for just wanting to be thier mother while H who walked out of thier lives without a second thought gets all the good times with them.

gotta go, the tears are back and this post is already way to long.

[mojo]

Hi Alison

I'm a lurker here and rarely post these days but I've been finding your situation increasingly disturbing. I have decided to reply today but will most probably open a can of worms.

The reason that I've decided to reply is that your D18 did you a big favour by telling you why none of your kids are at home with you.

Your situation almost mirrors mine in the fact that we have three children girl boy girl with similar age gaps. The only difference is that my children have never wanted to live with their father - in fact I've had difficulty getting rid of them.

Your D18 said that their father's house is happier than yours. Now I wonder why that might be?

I do have my own ideas as to why that might be.
1.Their father has a life. He's got things to talk to the children about that the children are interested in. He does loads of fun things that the kids enjoy.
2. Their father is not obsessed with your relationship with the children. Nor is he obsessed with what you are doing.
3. He gives them space to grow and develop ie he does not try to control them.

These are just a few ideas there are more I'm sure.

You have got to drop the rope Alison.
1. Let you lawyer deal with your soon to be ex h. I know it's expensive but this is something that you yourself cannot do. 2. Allow your children to decide what they want to do for themselves - let them make their own way in the world and yes let them make their own mistakes. Just be there to help them pick up the pieces (if necessary).
3. Get out and enjoy your life. Cut the hours that you work a little and play a bit more.
4. Events like Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day and Birthdays are special days that people choose who they want to spend their time with. It's a privileged not a right.
5. You cannot control anyone. The only person that you can control is yourself.

I think that I could help you a lot although my ideas may be a little controversial for this forum. My ex is a nasty man I can tell you but I allowed him to play his own silly games on his own. My son describes me as one of the happiest people that he knows. Hence my children (even though they are all adults now) all still live with me.

No offence meant by this post and all of the opinions are my own.

MoJo x

[BeingMe]

Hi ACJ! Just know that I care. It's been a rough road for you.

It seems to me that your D13 finally has your H's attention (for whatever reason) and she can have you anytime she wants. I remember when she was upset and angry after he left. Perhaps, she has found a balance now between parents, in her own mind. The same with S16. Just a thought.

I know you have tried very hard not to influence them against their father, but it must've been hard to hide your feelings toward your H ... the sadness, the anger, despair, resentment, and hope that he might return, etc. I also remember you having fun outings with them too. No matter what, they will always be your children. Have comfort in that. I disagree a bit with Mojo, in that, I do think H wants to control the children and also you with how the divorce pans out. He is like a puppeteer, and it's time for you to cut your strings. I definitely agree with point 5 though ... you can only control yourself and only hope to influence others, especially your children.

Perhaps it's time to get tough with your H ... he must either accept now the offer you are giving him, or it's to the courts. Life is too short to accept this game playing of his. Time to move on and have a life of your own.

Maybe you should sell the house and all the memories associated with it??? Although, it's not a very good market now.

IMHO! (((((ACJ)))))

[mojo]

Hi BM

There isn't teenager that I know who will respond to controlling. They always rebel. It's the nature of the beast.

[ACJ]

Thanks for your thoughts Mojo. I've been here too long to take offence at anything that is written. Everyone is entitled to thier opinions.

I am completely letting my L deal with H and the D.

I am trying to let my children go but it's very hard especially when I know that H is just manipulating them for his own gain. Remember I have known him for 22 years. He thinks I no longer know how he thinks but I do as I've said all along it would come to this.

I do out and enjoy life when I can. Admittedly that hasn't been much recently but that's down to my degree coming to an end and a lack of freed up cash resources.

I would love to be able to drop my hours at work but it's Hs control of the D process that has led to this and I can not afford to work less if I want to keep my home (and for now I do).

I'm not trying to control anyone (at least not on purpose)

As for my H yes he does have a life- him and his OW - that's all he talks to the kids about. Until recently he didn't do anything with the kids. Now that he is starting to he thinks they are still the same age as when he left. Today for example he wanted to take D14 (nearly 14) to a playground. She might have enjoyed it at 10 but at 14 he's way out of touch.

The only thing H is obessessed about it OW and not stopping his path of destruction until he has broken me completely.

He gives the kids space etc b/c that suits his own lifestyle. He hasn't changed the way he lives since S16 went to live there he just leaves him behind when it is convenient.

If I'm classed as arguementative then that's fine I already knew that about myself. Depressed yes. Fighting it yes. Missing family life most definately.

[mojo]

Alison

I'm not against you I'm for you.

As I see it you would like to be with your children. It's what every mother wants isn't it? It's certainly what I wanted.

I know when I was going through a very bitter divorce my barrister said to me that my children were very supportive of me. She added that it was unusual.

I believe that I can help you to achieve what it is that you're looking for with a very different approach from the one that I observe you using now.

It does involve making sacrifices which I know, from what you have said, you would be prepared to make.

[BeingMe]

BTW, ACJ!!!

~~~~~HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOR TOMORROW~~~~