My own personal awareness has grown over the past few weeks, and No More Mr Nice Guy (NMMNG) is a great add-on that I'm currently working through.
I identified the following six pillars of strength that, while a bit vague in the below form, provide some guidelines for me to assess my situation and life moving forward:
1) Living Consciously: Doesn't act out of self-blindness.
2) Self-Acceptance: Non-defensiveness and willingness to hear critical feedback or different ideas.
3) Self-Responsibility: Sense of control of destiny.
5) Living Purposefully: Sense of control of destiny, purpose, and direction.
6) Personal Integrity: Do what you say you'll do; Be honest.
My assessment so far is that it is a 'house of cards'. Without a good foundation, we fall. For instance, I lost a number of these pillars and put too much pressure on my wife for too long -- she collapsed (granted, into the arms of another perhaps). By rebuilding these I'll do a better job of standing on my own two feet again - regardless of what happens in my M.
Anybody have any thoughts on what it means to stand on our own two feet again?
H40 (me) W34 (WAW) S6 T11 M10
Feb09: Need a break bomb Mar09: I moved to apartment to GAL, PMA, NMMNG Apr09: WAW 'dating' OM at work, positive around me lately.
Happy Easter everyone! Today has been a pretty up and down day. W came by this morning to spend some easter time with D before she had to go to work. She bitched some about her work schedule and how she hates it and never gets to see D and how she doesn't know what to do. I just let her vent and listened. It was nice to see her and D enjoying finding eggs together. D misses her so much. Now she's at work and I'm a little down because it's a holiday that should be spent with family but it's not. I am enjoying playing with D though and it's what keeps me going. W was here most of the day yesterday and eventually it led to us talking some about the past. I didn't say too much just mostly listened and some of it was hard to take because it was true and I know I messed up some. She told me there were times when she was going out drinking with friends and would be talking to me on the phone and say if I wanted her to turn around and come home then she would but I would just tell her to go out with her friends. She said those times she really wanted me to take a stand and I didn't. I was placating her so I wouldn't get her mad in the hopes that we could avoid an argument. Typical Mr. Nice Guy stuff. I can see now how I did that through a large part of our relationship and how I need to change that for me if there is going to be any chance of this relationship in the future and if there isn't for any other relationship I get in. Like I said it hurt to hear but it's good because it's the first time she has told me anything about what went wrong. I think that is in some ways positive. She still says she needs to move out and be on her own with no hope of a future for us before she can figure things out. I don't really know how to take that but if that's what she needs then I will respect that and give her that space. She also said she realizes the risk she takes there that she could lose me forever with that choice. I just acknowledged that....said yes, that is a risk you take. Not going to sugar coat that one for her because it is true. The further she pushes me away the more chance she takes that one day I will wake up and be done with it all. I'm also in a little bit of a moral dilemma with the whole OM thing. On the one hand I still love my W and want to work things out with her. On the other, I think that by her having the OM and me not just ending things because of it we're both setting a bad example for D. How have other people thought about this and handled it? I mean, I think if this were D in a marriage and her husband were doing this crap to her I would tell her she didn't deserve that and to leave him. I feel like such a hypocrite because I'm not doing just that.
I haven't had it yet. I am going to talk to a lawyer this week to see what I can expect to pay in spousal support (I make about 4 times what she does and live in a no-fault state) and that will be what I give her. No more, no less. Once I find out about all the legalities then I can figure out how to handle the whole situation better. If it has to come down to a choice between OM and me and she chooses OM then I will know how to proceed. Make sense?
Yes, but that's not what I was referring to. I was talking more about deciding to no longer enable her affair in any way, like her cellphone for instance. That has nothing to do with the spousal support issue.
Puppy, Didn't get into that over the weekend. My plan is to see a lawyer this week and find out spousal support...give her that money that she is entitled to and stop paying for her stuff. So in essence, I won't pay for her car, insurance, cell, etc.... She called last night and wanted to talk about everything with us and after awhile I just kinda laid it all out there for her. Told her that the thing with OM was disrespectful to me on a number of levels and that I can't honestly support that. Basically, put the ball in her court to make a choice. Told her in so many words that she's going to lose one of us and she has to decide. She asked what my plan was and I told her it was to find out legally what the options are and then set up a time for us to talk to a mediator as I still want this to be civil. If she chooses to break ties with OM then the going forward can be put on hold but if not then I have to do what is right for me and our D and to protect us. She started in about how she was trying to move slowly with all this and all and how she didn't mean to disrespect me and didn't go out to find OM and I just told her I didn't think she purposefully went to find someone else but that she allowed it to happen and that was still wrong. By the end of the conversation she was backpeddaling and contradicting herself on a lot of issues and I just told her that it was late and we should stop talking about it while we were both tired and emotional. I don't know if it was the right thing to do or not but I feel a lot better about it now that it is all out there and she knows where I stand and what my plans are. She has the choice to make now and she has to live with that choice. I know that I am better than OM. I also know that if she continues on the path she is on that it will suck but I'll get through it and I'll be happy in my life again and that D3 and I will be ok. So it was a trying weekend but at least things are moving in a direction now and not stuck in a holding state that nobody wants to be in.
She's nervous, because you PULLED AWAY. Classic DBing, and an indication of how WELL you did.
Let her squirm -- DON'T RESCUE. If she asks you again "what are your plans?" (and she will), just be vague and say things like "I'm learning more about what my options are," and "I'm still deciding some things," or even "I don't want to discuss this right now."
You handled it very well -- my congrats, as I know that wasn't easy.
My first inclination in the past was to offer something back if the conversation started going in the direction I wished/hoped for. I learned a couple of times that as soon as I gave in just a little bit W would see weakness and jump on me for something unrelated.
I've learned to let my statements and actions stand as is without backpedaling -- but it is always a temptation.
I'm seeing some progress with my W (a whole week of positive interactions). It's enough to give me false hope, which is dangerous, I know.
I agree with you guys on this...I'm not going to rescue her on this. I'm not going to talk about it with her anymore unless she brings it up and then only if it is not to rehash what has already been said. She knows where I stand now and knows what the future will be based on what she decides to do. She does have a little rescue built in with the fact that if she breaks off all ties with OM then I will hold off on moving the paperwork forward. No matter what I still want to go to the lawyer and mediator and get everything in order and if I have to file it then I will. If she changes then I can hold on to it. I'm sure she is going to test my resolve in this and I'm sure she will ask about it at some future time and my answer is honestly going to be that I'm exploring what my options are...because I am. The funny thing is...as much as it sucks to think about where this may end up it feels damn good to have my nuts back for a change.
