I have a feeling that H needs to find a way to be more selfish in lovemaking (the exact opposite of what a guy who is extremely concerned with being nice would have the inclination to do) in order to be more present in the connection and overcome the mental component that contributes to his loss of erection.
Again, absolutely spot on -- and VERY difficult for a 'well trained' Nice Guy to do. It goes against *everything* you were brought up to think about how a woman should be treated, both inside and outside of the bedroom. Additionally, raw, primal, unbridled male sexually is -scary-, particulary to a Nice Guy who has been brought up to keep his male sexual urges tightly in a cage his entire life. Taking that "Tiger" out for a prowl (even on a thick, controlling lead) takes practice --> and positive feedback from your partner <-- in order to get comfortable with doing it.
You're reminding me of last Saturday morning, when I did something that is still RARE for me, reocovering Nice Guy that I am. Thanks to whatever dream I was having, I woke up partially aroused and horny for my wife, while my wife was just partially awake but definitely -not- in the mood (she isn't a morning person...). Most Saturday mornings like that, I'll massage her, touch her, and gently and gradually get her into the mood. This time, however, I simply yanked her panties off (against some protest), fondled her for my own pleasure only, and then 'took' her as I liked, and focused on riding my own 'animal' passion. The punch line is --> by the time I entered her, she was in a fully ballooned and aroused vaginal state (hard to tell on some women, but easy on her). My sexual ruthlessness -- focused on her -- was just as arousing, if not more so, than all the gentle ministrations I might have performed otherwise.
Female sexuality is so variable and complex, it's enough to make a man's (or at least a Nice Guy's) head spin around like Linda Blair's sometimes. At some point, you just have to say f@ck it, and yank her panties off....
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
