The one thing I don't think you said in your post was, did you make him understand that you would eventually be a WAW? You hinted at it, but did you really make it known? I am sorry to beat that drum again, but I just think it is important in everyone's sitch, precisely because I *should have* made it that clear to my ex-h ... so I know the price to be paid of not making it clear.
Yes, I clearly stated what was at stake. That the reason I needed to hash it out again, despite my fear of making him feel like a failure, was to be sure that he had a very clear understanding of where I stand. I told him that I'm fighting very hard to stay committed to our M when he isn't working with me, and that I had to be sure that he understood that so that he wouldn't be all "shock and awe" if I ever left. There was much more, and I made sure to reiterate my point in several ways so that it got through loud and clear.
He absolutely understands that coasting or putting me on a shelf is not going to be OK. My actions have to support those words. I can't pretend I'm OK when I'm in anguish ever again. And, I have to maintain a constructive way of delivering my messages to him.
Originally Posted By: DanceQueen
But as for your encounter, I just wanted to say (you may not have read this in another post of mine) that my guy has the usual, for his age, loss of erection at certain times, too. But we treat it as a non-issue and it really is a non-issue. However, yes, the condoms are something you really should find a replacement for because it is just so much easier for them (at this age) to maintain the erection without one. But my point here is that - basically, if we change positions, I know that I either have to do it really quickly, or we have to get him started up again. So just knowing and expecting it really helps us. Because that way, there is truly no disappointment on either of our sides. He has taught me well that he needs continual stimulation or we'll lose it, BUT...that it it is easier to get it going again with the right amount of sexy and effort.
If Mr. Lucky can come to a place of acceptance, like Bagheera is saying, it will help him so much! Because I know that it is because of my man's knowledge and understanding of his own body that keeps him grounded and feeling secure when there is erection loss. He knows his body very well and knows what it can and won't do, so he has taught me how to get him back in the groove when necessary. And he knows not to feel like a failure because he isn't one....temporary loss of erection doesn't mean the end of the sexual encounter. Usually the erection is only "half" lost and comes back within a few moments (and its sometimes nice for me to have a break, too). I know Mr. Lucky can get to this place too (but again, the condoms make it much more difficult).
This is helpful advice. Thank you for sharing about Mr. DQ. It sounds like our men have a very similar pattern. I caught on (without him guiding me, by the way... I wish it weren't such a guessing game) that he needed constant stimulation, and I tried to do that in between changes, but I learned that the condom was just a huge barrier and he needed skin-to-skin, high friction contact. I get it now and will know what to do better in the future. This constant, high-friction stimulation is what he needs, and what makes him angry with his ["special needs"] body. I tried to get him to see how his self-loathing was not going to do him any good, but in that moment, though I was the only person around, I was the wrong person to give him handy advice.
Originally Posted By: DanceQueen
I'm happy you had that talk, and happy he initiated, woo hoo!
You are on the right track, girl.
THANK YOU!!! To think... If I had found this board 8 years ago...
Originally Posted By: DanceQueen
Oh and hey, I wanted to say, you didn't say it out right but implied that you do have O's from intercourse alone. If that is the case, you and Mr. Lucky need to understand how LUCKY you both really are! I'm totally jealous and I doubt I will ever have an O from intercourse alone. You really ARE a Lucky Girl!
Is that why you picked your screen name?!?
DQ
OK - For those of you who hate TMI, please stop reading here. The reason that I can O from intercourse alone is because I learned to masturbate when I was 10 from my GF. She demonstrated the hump/grind technique, which is the first way I ever experienced an O (I'll never forget that one). So, with intermittent bumping/grinding against my pelvis and clit, I can easily O. Since I had the baby, for some reason, my G spot seems to be more sensitive and/or easy to reach(?) so now I can also O just by using my finger, and during sex I don't even have to grind too much because just thrusting stimulates it. Of course, my head has to be in the right place for an O to occur, too. I can usually tell when it is just peeking within sight, and I can mentally go toward it to grasp it. I don't know it that makes sense.
My ability to O has been honed through years of practice during masturbation. Since that is easy for me (a blessing that I am grateful for), I can focus on our connection and other aspects of lovemaking with H.
People used to try to tell me how sex gets better and better with age. I never understood until now how the combination of mature exploration, studying the difference between mechanics and psychology, and possible bodily changes really do bring sexuality to a new plane.
