thank you blue and karen for the encouraging words and advice. my H and i talked again last night. i told him if he wanted a divorce that we could do it two ways. separate for the time we needed to and get one or if he was 100% sure and wanted one right away i could use adultery as grounds and get a speedy one, which would screw him over with his security clearance and career as well as the OW's as well. of course he opted for the 1st.
after that i told him that if he wasn't 100% sure he wanted a D and if there was any part of him that was confused and didn't know what he wanted to tell me and we could figure things out. i told him i couldn't keep living like we have been and keep thinking he wants to be here for us. he asked me if we could take a break. he is going to get a part time job and find somewhere to live and we will go from there.
its a big relief because i thought he just wanted a divorce and be done with it. maybe i am reading so much more into it but if he is willing to take a break maybe he is just confused by the affair and what it meant and maybe there is still hope for us. at least if we separate it gives me time to work on myself and let him see it. it will be at least a few weeks or more before he can move out as well so if he is here, we can also work on it even if he doesn't know it. time to restart db'ing and see if i can really get it right this time.
the funny thing is after all this he asked me if i still wanted to go to the movies yesterday. and also he expected to still be sleeping in the bed beside me. if you mention divorce and separating, why on earth would you want to share a bed with me or go to the movies with me. and he did all sorts of housework yesterday as well. needlesstosay he has slept on the couch the last two nights, we didn't go to the movies and i also did not shave his head like i normally do every sunday night. its time he learned what its going to be like not having me in his life to support him and do all his deeds. its time to push him out of his comfort zone and maybe he will realize what he will be missing.
